|You Have a Choleric Temperament|
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.
Monday, December 19, 2005
|How You Life Your Life|
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.
You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.
|Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate|
You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.
You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.
You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!
A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.
What if you had none? Would it still be a relationship?
what makes a relationship work? Would it work if only one side is doing all the work while the other just turns a blind eye?
All I ask for is openness. Push aside the anger and listen. And maybe... perhaps maybe you'll hear my pain.
Friday, December 16, 2005
BUt in truth... I have yet to find my zest for blogging. Or doing anything else for that matter. I dunno what's wrong so I don't know how to fix it. I worry, I ponder and I hope that I'll get out of this feeling.
But thanks people. Thanks for caring...
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Still... there were perks. I gathered close friends and we had a blast. Now that I'm here I hope the friendship will last too. Thankfully they're all in the KL area so it wouldn't be too hard to see them once in a while. *sigh*
I dunno why my heart is not into blogging anymore...
In fact my heart is not into most things any more...
Something is not right but I dont know what it is. God! Give me strength...
I'm a student again. But it's a whole different ball game now. No more playing. No more fooling around. It's time to gear up for MASTERS now. God! Give me strength...
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?
Yeah sure I love my days as a student but now thinking back I only see it as something that I've already went through and now I dunno if I want to go back. Life was simple and protected but also pathetically naive and sheltered. We don't live in the real world there.
Everytime I go to work I see the real problems people face. No money, job search, making ends meet, the problems of doing overtime and whatnots. Now I think back on the things I went through as a student it seems that they were all things that is so minute compared to the things I hear and see now. Will I ever connect with normal students again?
I'm not demeaning the problems that students face it's just that will I be able to shift my mind back to accept that the problems students face are just as traumatic to students as problems face by the working community. Knowing me I might be sarcastic enough to actually push away all my friends.
*sigh* I HATE MY SARCASTIC WIT AND BIG MOUTH!!
Monday, September 26, 2005
So what do I do on an off day. I vegetate. Yep... the bed is my best friend on this particular day. After 6 straight days of being on my feet at ungodly hours this is the only day that I can catch up on my sleep. Sweet heavenly sleep bliss. Aaahhhh...
But you hafta wake up sometime. Today I had to wake up to cook for the family's buka puasa dinner (a practice run to prepare for Ramadhan), to send a long overdue letter to my penpal of 8 years and to secure a ticket to KL for the 10th (yey! I'm meeting up with Matt again!). But foolish of me I didn't even consider the fact that it's the end of the month (people are flush with money) therefore the post office was jam packed with people paying their bills. So there I was lining up with a SINGLE letter for 45 minutes.
What I dont get is how come people behind the counter just don't get that feeloing of urgency in trying to move things along when that tiny little post office was brimming with people (some even lined up outside the post office) and there they were dawdling along and even had time to joke around with buddies in between customers. It took all of my effort to not shout out "Will you please hurry it along!!" Luckily the lady in front of me did it for me. She wasn't too subtle in her complaints. I had a feeling that the workers heard her and slowed down further just to spite her.
This is a problem that I see all the time. And sadly it's usually in Malays. These kind of people would prefer coming to work and get paid to do nothing. Or as the Malays call it 'GAJI BUTA'. Post offices close at 5pm and I know those clerks were trying to slow things down so that they can close in time. That's the only aspect of their work where they actually follow to the T. They're punctual when it's time to go home. Sometimes they're so punctual that by 5 they're already home. Nak makan gaji buta but when people get promoted for excellent service these people will be the first to spread malicious rumours and badmouth people who actually wants to make their lives a whole lot better.
No wonder government agencies always get badmouthed. It's actually getting that bad. I see it all the time in UIA too. Students know better to never ever go to STADD or any administration building at 2pm coz there wont be a soul to help you out. To be on the safe side go at 3pm though technically lunch hour ends at 2. Ape ke hal?
How do we expect to develop the country and turn it into a 1st world nation if the people's mind aren't developing along with the nation's progress? Seriously... something has got to be done. Wake up people! Kita melayu bukan me-layu!!
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Don't get me wrong... education is important but I guess when worrying about assignments and all those shit I still feel like I'm still a kid. But then that's just my opinion.
Being round these people has also made me realise something else... I realised that most uni students don't know just how much better they are than others. You're in uni so more or less you have a bright future and if you need money there's always PTPTN and the parents :P Your sole responsibility is to go to class, study and do well. Uni students have it made.
But what about those who didn't get into public uni? Well... they'll be the ones working at TGV working hard and sometimes holding two jobs a day to pay their way through private colleges which costs a bomb. Taking a PTPTN loan is an option but most don't take it due to the fact that they prefer to be debtless later in their life. To tell you the truth I regret the decision of changing the status of partial loan to full loan. Now I'm in debt for the next 15 years after I graduate. AAArRRGGGHHH!!!
So what's with the different mindset? Why do uni students who are bright individuals waste away their loan money on stuff that'll only last for a short time while these so-called turndowns think ahead, spend wisely and have already laid out a path for the future? Most uni students are still unsure on their plans once they graduate (me included) while these guys already know what they want to do. So the question is how come most uni students don't think that way too? I mean both groups of people are of the same age group and same needs.
I think the answer lies through them facing life's harsh realities way earlier in their life than the others. They've already learned the value of money and knows what really matters in life. Experience will mould a mind in a different way. I think back on my uni days and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wasting so much money on stuff that didn't even matter while my mom is back home working away to provide me money. The guys at TGV are all working to be financially independant from their parents. They know that one day they have to step out on their own so it's better now than later.
Seriously I think I have gotten my priorities all screwed up. Yeah sure I worked during uni and I'm working now but not for the same goals as most of the others have. I'm working so that I'll have money to buy stuff that my mom won't get me. Not exactly a noble thought. In uni you're protected and in a way you're still treated like a school kids due to rules and regulations. So in a way the minds of most uni students would be stuck at the mindset of a kid just wanting to only have fun in life. It's true that there's no bettertime to have fun other then during uni but should it be at the cost of your family's discomfort? I don't think so.
I think it's time now for me to ponder about my life and straighten up my priorities *sigh*
Saturday, September 17, 2005
I'm going through the whole long-distance 'shebang' right now and just as I had predicted it aint all roses and hearts plus there's plenty of fists and cussings to go round.
I dont know... maybe I'm just being my usual paranoid self (and it doesn't help that there are songs out there about other girls hitting on your BF- Dont Cha? by Busta Rhymes & Pussycat Dolls). Or maybe I'm not giving him the trust and understanding that he deserves. But then again I'm not exactly calling him up every hour on the hour just to know what he's up to.
God I hate fighting. It makes me feel down, guilty and lonely. Loneliness... the feeling that I hate the most. I just dont know what to do now... dont know what I could say to make it all better... is sorry the right word for it? Will love be enough in this case?
I just don't know!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
I kinda noticed that the chinese tend to shy away from people wearing tudung. I think wearing tudung signals to them that I'm a close minded person who'd rather stick to my own people. I dont really blame them. All this segregation and seperatism goes way back in history and it's even being practiced now in schools and universities as well as the workplace. How many times during my search for part time work I see a sign saying 'Chinese Only'. We still see schools dominated by a certain race and some would travel out of the way just to send their kids to schools where their own race is dominant. It's kinda sad really. Because of all this seperation a lot of people are now somewhat handicapped when it comes to racially mixed environments.
This attitude has also something with religion. I'am ashamed to say that most Muslims stay away from chinese is due to the fact of ignorance towards their ways and customs and the lack of understanding of Islam itself. Just because Islam forbids the consumption of pork as well as keeping dogs as pets it doesn't mean that you stay away from those who do not abide by the same rules. Indians are more accepted by Malays because of the fact that some of them don't eat meat therefore they don't eat pork. Thus the notion of them being 'jijik' doesn't come up.
We live in a sad world don't we?
You'd think that the society now are more tolerant to racial unity and mixed marriages but it's not. Most of my fellow TGV workmates when they saw the picture of Matt. They all thought he was Indian and how could a Malay girl (who wears tudung somemore, though the tudung disappear at times :P) dates and Indian guy. It may not be a big deal like it was before but it's still something that is not wholly accepted.
This issue concerning race will go on for a long time yet and who knows whether it's gonna get better or worse. I just hope it turns out for the better.
As for me I'm just gonna enjoy getting to know my new found friends.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Now my whole leg aches from the stairs of Langkawi (both telaga tujuh and cable car ride- what is it with Langkawi and stairs?) and now from standing the whole day handing o0ut popcorn and snacks to people watching movies. *whiny* I dont want to be the one selling snacks, I want to be the one buying them so I could enjoy them while watching my movie! *UWAAAA*
Back to reality- I really need the job. I cant expect to sit idle for the next 3 months. And what if I dont get a place for masters after all? Then what am I gonna do?
It's not like the job is hard or anything. Manning the candy bar is pretty easy once you get the hang of it. I also tried my hand in telesales. Also a no clincher. I guess the only drawback is working people I dont know at all. And from various races too. I guess after MRSM and UIA I've been so cut off within my own race that I've forgotten how to interact with people of other races. They all seem pretty nice but then again how would I know if they suddenly talk in chinese about me right in front of my face. There's only a handful of other Malays and even then you cant really stick together much due to conflicting work schedule. I just feel alienated coz I still dont have anyone I could stick to just yet. I need someone to show me the ropes. But I wore my new Nike bag to work and that was the only thing that kept me happy all day coz people kept commenting how cute it was. I am so GLAD that I bought it.
I dont look forward to going back to work tomorrow (today is an off day). Partly because I havent found myself a friend yet, and I have to work the night shift tomorrow, but also because I feel that I dont fit in at all. All my life I am surrounded by people pursuing higher things in life but here all of them seem to be content with where they are and what they do. Most were shock when I told them that I already finished my undergrad and now waiting to do Masters. Because of their shock I decided to say that I'm on holiday instead. Why alienate myself even further? I miss being in uni...
I just hope to God that it'll get better. I'm no quitter and I hope I'll never become one. Please god send me a new girl or guy that I can really relate to. Just to make my short working stint there a little bearable. Please God please....
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
I had the best travelling buddies I could ever ask for. My stranger to protect me and cuddle me whenever I feel like it and Ash, a guide and a 'mad' companion for my stranger and Anis, something for Ash to hold on to so that he'll be sane. Pretty much like my role with Matt *wink* I've never been on a trip with anyone other than my family so it was great to share my experience with these people.
Yeah... there was s ome minor bumps we encountered like getting stiffed on our ride but no damage done since we managed to get the money back. For me all the bumps we encountered was cool since it left some pretty funny memories like the time when Matt wanted to make a U turn and got stuck in soft earth at the shoulder of the road. So both guys had to get out and start heaving. THAT was kinda funny. Matt got sprayed with mud all over his face. Haha!!
So since this was a trip to the beach and all, why would my muscles be screaming? Well to get to this one particular place we had to hike a Batu Caves like stairs and for me who had no exercise whatsoever for the past few months it was total agony. I was already cursing Ash halfway up those stairs. Luckily the place was worth the climb. Telaga tujuh is definitely a place that even Puteri Bunians would undergo rigorous stair climbing to get to. It was totally beautiful. The water was so clean that you could even drink it without fear of contamination. The view was... WOW! What made it even more worth while was when all of us got on board the cable car, we finally realised just how far up we actually climbed to get to the infamous waterfalls. Imagine going halfway up to Genting on foot. That's how high up it was.
I just wished that we had time to enjoy Langkawi more. We still havent covered half of the island. And we didnt manage to sample any of their local ikan bakar joints either. But I'm glad that after a long while I could enjoy the beach again. Oh well... there's always a next time! We already have plans in the works.
The waves may not be as big as those in Australia and Hawaii but they're pretty huge for Malaysian standards.
This is the view of Porto Malai Harbour Langkawi all the way up from Langkawi's cable car.
As for the other pictures... I'm waiting to for some broadband connection so I can finally upload my pics without difficulty. Using dial up sucks!!
Thursday, September 01, 2005
I guess that's the positive side of ebay. The chances of that happening is slim coz it all depends on the bidding. You bid low and you probably wont get the stuff. You bid high... well, you'll get the stuff but not at the price you might have hoped.
As for me, I saw a Nike bagpack which was cute and cheap (considering its a Nike, though there's doubts that it is a real Nike bag). I waited till the very last minute and VOILA! I got the bag! And at the lowest price possible too. For that I'm proud of myself.
Yeah... ebay is cool but I kinda miss the shopping experience and the fact that you can always wander round the mall... think about the sale and decide if you really want the item or not. With ebay you kinda lose that experience. Once you press bid it's a contract and like it or not you have to make that sale.
But anyways, my first ebay experience was cool but it'll probably be my last. I just hope that this bag is way worth my money. I hate not being able to see how it looks in real life.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Thus I'd like to wish all Malaysians out there 'SELAMAT HARI KEBANGSAAN ke-48'!
Sunday, August 28, 2005
So many things happened before convo itself that if I were superstitious I'd probably stayed at home and not go out at all that day. Firstly I found out that the shoes (sandals) mom bought were not allowed so I had to get another pair. Then I found out that my baju kurung was an unexceptable colour so I had to wear Ika's baju (which was a pity coz I loved the fabric and colour of my baju kurung) and lastly on the actual convo day itself the video camera didn't work. So there goes the recording of my convocation. So to make up for it we took plenty of pictures. Even that didn't come out half as much as I wanted it too. So now all I have ia few large pictures the photographer took (they're really bad since there were too many of us on stage and the picture of me had someone else's face in the background) and two small albums of personal pictures. Oh well... it was still a memorable day. Hopefully my Master's convo will be much better.
Besides that, my wounds are doing nicely too. They've closed up perfectly though they still hurt. I still can't make extreme movements like jumping vigorously or go on a roller coaster just yet but healing progress is great. The only setback of actually getting the lumps out of me is that nearly everybody said that my 'rack' is smaller now. Darn! And to think that people actually pay good money to get my natural sizes. Pity Matt. He wont be too happy. Haha! So now all I have to look forward too is my holiday. It's just a week away!!
Langkawi here I come!
Friday, August 12, 2005
I'm relieved though that the bandages are off. It means that I can finally move round now. I can drive and go out again. Though unfortunately due to the haze I'm not advised to go out at all. The nice doctor gave me 1/2 dozen masks coz I'll be going round to KL next week. That was sweet and it was FOC too. And I used to think that private doctors would suck your money dry for every little bit of healthcare that they give. I guess I was wrong. Though this whole operation and lumps thingy are wrapping up (the biopsy came out negative for cancer by the way, I AM SO RELIEVED!) I still hafta go to him for follow up checkups. Mum was really worried so doctor is gonna check again to ease her mind. Did I mention that this doctor is really sweet. Definitely someone you'd go to again.
Right now, I just need to concentrate on getting over the haze. I wish the haze would just disappear soon. I cant believe that there's still people out there burning things out in the open when the country has announced a state of emergency. How selfish can some people be. And since the situation is getting worse by the day, you just can't help but be angry at the Indonesian government for not anticipating the burnings and putting a stop to it before it actually affected people.
I pity those people who depends on good weather to make a living like food hawkers and peddlers. When people stay indoors nobody would want to buy their food. Maybe next time leaders would think about the consequences before pushing aside matters concerning the environment. It's not trivial for if we lose the earth we're living in now where else are we gonna live?
Thursday, August 11, 2005
It was days like these that Abah died a few years back. And eeriely he just got out of a major surgery too. Just like me, except that his was far more major and life threatening than mine. He was fine after the surgery, in fact the doctors were optimistic about his recovery. What they didnt expect was the haze. It got really bad and finally Abah's weakened lungs (after effects of chemotherapy) couldn't take it any longer. He passed away and we've been devoid of his presence ever since.
I really miss him. I always look at other families with envy whenever their dads spend some quality time with them. Sometimes I feel that I was robbed of that. But in a way it has led me to get a relationship with my mother that most people don't have. A mutual respect and understanding. Not the kind of relationship potrayed by the Gilmore Girls but an embracing independance where we need each other but in detached sort of way. We have room to move and make our own choices in life but at the same time we know there's always a limit and there's always someone we can lean on if we feel the need for support. It took me ages to achieve this with my mom but If Abah was still alive I probably wouldn't ever get this kind of bond with my mom.
So it's true when they say that clouds do have silver lining. And in this case the lining was in fact GOLD!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
First of all I thought that with the operation over and me getting out of hospital that would mean the end of my so-called suffering. But no... turns out that I got some bug and I've been going through my days with a fever that comes and goes. Fever I can handle it's the sore throat I hate. Now all I can eat is liquids or mushy foods. YUCK! But at least I'm at home now and not at the hospital still (Gee Yan, I wonder how you handled staying at the hospital for a whole month. I'd probably die of boredom. Salute you lah!) Thus my recovery time right now is slower than I'd like it to be coz there's so many things for me to do right now for convo. I need to go shopping! I need SHOES!!
The second thing that I was wrong about is this MAWI AF3 fever. I thought with the end of AF3 all this hyped-up nonsense will go away. Sadly I was wrong. Now people are even more desperate to see their idols that they scour every astro channels, radio shows, internet and newspapers just to get a glimpse of their "idol". Sadly my own family member is one of them. Though not up to the extent of voting every week but an avid follower of Mawi. I pity the poor guy. He has lost all hopes of privacy now. And Astro is not making things any better by showing to the world his home and all. There's even reports of break ins at his home by fanatic fans and reporters who wanted to get their hands on his stuff. I hope Mawi really knew what he was signing up for when he joined AF3. As for me I'm just sick and tired of watching all those reruns on TV.
Please people... get a life!!
Monday, August 08, 2005
Last night I was watching an episode where a devout, traditional christian has to change place with a lesbian. Woohoo! Imagine that! So of course there were plenty of shouting and crying. What I love about this show is that it shows the true nature of human beings especially when they're put in a situation that they must handle all on their own. For this episode the Christian showed her true nature which was of prejudice and snobbishness which is kind of ironic really when at the start of the show she mentioned that she live life according to this principle 'Do unto others as you want others to do unto you'. If the way she treated the lesbians was the was she wanted people to treat her then she must love people judging her by the colour of her skin and her status in life.
Christianity is the closest religion to Islam and they share a lot of the same values and principles and its offensive when she treats people that way and say that she did it in the name of christianity and morality. I think all that time the money and status was speaking coz never once did she actually sit down and listened to pother people talking and hear what the other has to say. She even insinuate that the other gay wife would actually do something to her teenage daughter. Why is it people fear so much of those who are different from they are? In this case I find it funny to see that a black women actually fearing someone who was different from the norm when actually the African-American have been fighting to be seen as an equal to the caucasians. But now the race that have been prejudiced all this while is giving out the same prejudice to other people. Where is the justice in that?
Lesbianism is against most religion but it doesn't mean that we should treat these people badly. They're people too. I just hope that some days these ignorant people get enlightened and someday the fog that's been blinding them lifts up and show them the light.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
No offence to all AF fans out there though. The show is entertaining and all but all this uproar over a few guys is waaaaay too much. People are actually waging war over who should win when in reality the actual people who are in the show are like buddies. And to think that the TV station is actually encouraging this kind of behaviour by letting over-enthusiastic fans fight onscreen through chat channels. These fans waste so much money by chatting and voting but what do they get in return? An empty wallet and nothing else. Well... perhaps the satisfaction of getting their "idol" the much coveted 1st place. But after that what else? The idol just get richer and richer and the fans wont even get the acknowledgement they rightly deserve. To the idol they are only fans. Nothing more.
Though I must applaude the Mawi Fan Club for their fantastic coordination with their sms. Not only did they managed to outvote every other idol but they also landed him the Best vocal award and the Best performance award. Imagine how much money they spent to actually let Mawi walk away with RM26000 in cash and a whole lot more in assets. Luckily the guy is talented and can actually sing so in a way the title "Juara Akademi Fantasia" is deserving. But in reality who's the actual winner in this scenario? Not the fans... and definitely not the idol. In fact it's the TV station and Maxis. Just wonder how much they reap from this show every week. But then again those were the choices of the voters. Who am I to say whether what they did was foolish or not. Coz when questioned these fans can easily say "It's my money, so what do you care what I do with it".
Well... you're right. It's your money. Therefore it's your problem. If there's anybody out there who doesn't like what they're reading... tough. This is my opinion and I'm sticking with it. I didn't mean to raise anyones ire but then again you can't please everybody. For once I applaud Najib, our DPM, to actually acknowledge this problem out loud. Malaysians are slowly turning into copycats and everything deemed exciting and popular should be done in Malaysia too. I just wish that they pick the really worthy ones to copy like 'The Apprentice' or something. Why generate more and more one hit wonders that'll just come up with one hit song in their entire lifetime?
The glitzy world of fame and popularity shall forever haze the true vision that lay before our very own eyes...
Saturday, August 06, 2005
So I got admitted into hospital to remove one lump but turns out that there were 3 lumps altogether. Even the doctor was shocked. All those tests and ultrasounds and they were unaware that there were 3 huge lumps growing in my chest. I was really lucky. Not only was I walking around with 3 lumps but all of them were the size of my big toe. How did I miss that?
I would've posted a picture of the lumps but I dont want to gross people put so let's just say that in clear liquid (I think is steriled water) it looks like 3 wads of cotton balls except they're more dense and heavy. Kinda icky!
Right now I dont really know how the scar looks like cause the bandage can only come off on the 12th so I just hope to God that there isn't any noticeable scars. I pray too that this will be the last time I go under the knife. I hate the feeling of needles being stuck into me. I felt like a walking pin cushion. Though I could do with all the attention ane everyone tripping over themselves to do my bidding :P
But the experience was made more tolerable that there were friends out there who truly cared and even more suprising was the support from those I barely knew and those that I never knew at all. To all those people I would like to say thank you. What you guys said or wrote really meant a lot and I hope someday I can do the same in return
p.s. To author of Catharsis.blogsirit.com, your blog is kinda cool too. Same colour scheme! I already linked you. Would love to hear from ya again. Ciao!
Thursday, August 04, 2005
I was scared that it was more than it seems. I was scared to go through all those tests and most of all I was scared that nobody would be there while I'm suffering. Though all those things were scarier in my head than in real life but a fraction of it still came through.
Found out several people not caring about my predicament and rather go on with their lives than care. These were the people I trusted and cared about. I guess true hardships do seperate friends from fakes. But there are those who truly care and for that I'm glad. At least I'm not alone.
All I ask is to get out of this okay. Friends... please pray for me.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Posted By: ladyice (NuR, LyNn)
Posted On: Tue, 02 Aug 2005 08:13:14 AM
Program realiti TV3 terbaru iaitu Mencari Cinta yang memaparkan sembilan lelaki merebut untuk menawan hati seorang gadis semakin hangat diperkatakan di kalangan peminat rancangan Realiti Tv. Jadi dekat sini sebagai penonton program realiti ingin membuat sedikit komen atas rancangan tersebut yang sememangnya kita ketahui meniru akan program dari negara barat. Begitu juga dengan program realiti televisyen yang lain seperti Mentor, Akademi Fantasia, Audition yang sememangnya lebih kepada hiburan kosong semata-mata. Rakyat Malaysia hari ini lebih kepada membicarakan isu pitisan dan hiburan semata-mata tanpa lebih membicarakan isu yang lebih mendatangkan faedah kepada pembangunan akhlak.
Berbalik kepada Mencari Cinta awal-awal lagi saya mengatakan bahawa program ini sebenarnya tidak ada matlamat dalam sebuah rancangan. Jauh sekali mendatangkan kebaikan pada pihak penonton ataupun mereka yang terlibat.
Mencari cinta ini sebenarnya tidak tepat dengan tajuk utama iaitu istilah mencari cinta tapi lebih kepada mencari kecewa lelaki. Saya mengatakan di sini ialah lelaki-lelaki yang masuk rancangan tersebut lebih kepada mengejar sesuatu yang tak pasti dan seolah-olah pasrah kepada jodoh sehingga sanggup mempromosi diri dalam tv dan menjual maruah sebagai seorang lelaki. Berebut dan mengejar seorang wanita yang sememangnya kita tak ketahui apakah sebenarnya keistimewaan yang ada pada dia dan adakah beliau memenuhi ciri-ciri seorang wanita yang patut dijadikan isteri. Sedangkan dalam AL Quran itu sendiri telah menggariskan beberapa perkara yang sememangnya menjadi ikutan golongan lelaki dalam mencari jodoh.
Saya bersyukur sangat kepada peserta pertama dulu yang menarik diri awal-awal lagi. Sudah pasti dia tak mengalami rasa kecewa, putus asa, dimalukan serta menjatuhkan maruah seumur hidup. Tapi kepada lelaki yang memasukinya dan tersinggir sudah pasti merasai saat kekecewaan ini. Mereka berhempas pulas menandingi satu sama lain semata-mata memikat gadis yang dikenali dalam televisyen semata-mata. Gadis yang saya lebih katakan kepada pasrah dalam mencari jodoh sehingga masuk televisyen jual muka semata-mata mencari suami semata-mata umur juga telah lanjut. Jadi kepada lelaki saya nak tanya perempuan macam inikan yang kamu semua nak dijadikan bini.
Soalan ini saya rasa tak perlu saya tanya pada diri anda sendiri tetapi cuba tanya dahulu pada ibu bapa atau kaum keluarga anda. Memang apa yang kita nampak semuanya lebih memuji satu sama lain tapi hakikatnya kita tak tahu lagi situasi sebenar di belakang kamera. Lagi satu saya nak komen peserta tu dinilai sebagai anak yang baik tapi kenapa dalam ramai-ramai adik-beradik dia tu dia seorang je yang tak bertudung, berambut merah dan berkuku panjang. Layakkah dia membasuh beras menggunakan kuku untuk menyediakan nasi kepada seorang suami. Saya bukan nak menjatuhkan maruah sesiapa tapi kena fikirlah sewajarnya sebagai insan yang dikurniakan akal baik lelaki atau perempuan tersebut atau pihak penganjur program realiti ini.
Yang nyata keluarga dari pihak perempuan pula seolah-olah diistilahkan lebih sudu dari kuah tanpa mengetepikan atau tak sedar bahawa cinta yang sebenarnya adalah cinta yang berputik dari hati. Dua hati bersatu menjadi satu diikuti rasa kasih dan sayang yang mendalam. Cinta juga lahir dari hati dan bukan paksaan kaum keluarga. Keluarga sibuk bertanya macam-macam sehinggakan si peserta yang bernama Azhari tak sempat menghabiskan hidangan. Tapi kaum keluarga kita lihat bahawa pinggan mereka sebenarnya sudah licin. Begitu juga kaum keluarga telah membuat penilaian mereka dalam tempoh waktu yang singkat saja. Melebalkan orang tu macam ni orang! tu macam tu. Orang ni peramah, orang tu sopan dan macam-macam lagi. Sibuk juga membicarakan fasal keluarga, fasal pekerjaan dan sebagainya. Apa dia ingat anak dia tak ada masa depan ke kalau berkahwin dengan salah seorang dari mereka. Lepas tu siap buat cabutan macam nak beli nombor ekor lagi. Siapa tak berkenan dia akan singkir. Siapa yang memenuhi ciri dia akan ambil tanpa persetujuan sejati dari pihak wanita.
Jadi dengan sini jelas pihak lelaki sengaja diperbodohkan pihak perempuan atau pihak penganjur sendiri apatah lagi dengan tak disangka SMS penonton tetap menjadi trend kepada program yang berbentuk realiti. Saya nak tanya kepada penonton yang sms tu. Apa kaitan sms anda dengan soal jodoh mereka. Buat apa undi sedangkan tidak ada
faedah walau sedikit pun yang saya nampak. Jauh sekali mengenali mereka semua. Bila dah sms tu sudah tentu pihak penganjur kan yang dapat untung. Pihak penonton yang sms tu apa yang dia dapat. Kalau dapat mana-mana lelaki dalam sembilan orang tu kira baik le tapi sebaliknya.
Cuba kita lihat bagaimana perasaan lelaki yang dipuji, disukai, dilayan dengan baik oleh pihak perempuan dan kaum keluarga dengan sebaik-baiknya tetapi kesudahannya dipecat juga dengan pelbagai alasan tertentu yang tak masuk akal semata-mata nak mencari yang terbaik antara sembilan lelaki tersebut. Jadi saya nak tanya nak mencari yang terbaik di sini dimaksudkan ialah kalau kita nak mencari yang terbaik sudah pasti kita bertanyakan pada diri kita sendiri(perempuan tersebut) baik sangatkan diri anda yang sebenar. Kalau baik dan terbaik sampai sembilan lelaki berebut kenapa anda tidak berkahwin sampai mencecah umur 40.
Dunia hari ini kita sedia ketahui bahawa kaum wanita melebihi jumlah kaum lelaki. Jadi kalau sembilan wanita mencari satu lelaki itu dah kira boleh diterima le. Tapi dalam hal ini telah bertukar kepada sembilan lelaki mencari satu perempuan. Dan pada perempuan tersebut apakah anda telah habis cara dalam mencari jodoh. Dan adakah anda bahagia dengan puluhan mulut kaum keluarga memilih dalam mencari lelaki yang dianggap terbaik itu.
Cuba bayangkan betapa hancur hati seorang lelaki bila cinta ditolak oleh seorang wanita dan begitu juga sebaliknya. Hanya mereka yang mengalami semua ini akan merasai akibatnya. Sudah tentu lepas ini akan mewujudkan perasaan dendam, kecewa, sedih, menjatuhkan maruah kaum lelaki seolah diri ini tidak setanding digandingkan dengan wanita tersebut hatta mana-mana wanita sekali pun sehingga dibuang begitu saja tanpa adanya kebaikan tertentu. Yang nyata keburukan lebih bertandang. Jadi lelaki yang dibuang ini sudah pasti terus dibelenggu dengan perasaan rendah diri kerana cinta mereka telah ditolak secara terang-terangan dan disaksikan berjuta rakyat Malaysia. Sudah pastinya lelaki yang ditolak secara diketahui umum ini akan membuatkan wanita-wanita kat luar juga t! idak mendekati lelaki ini kerana lelaki ini pernah ditolok dan dikecewakan wanita tersebut. Dan sudah pasti memandang serong kenapa lelaki ini ditolok. Kalau dah ditolok sudah pasti akan menimbulkan perasaan negatif dan mengakui lelaki tersebut tidak mendapat tempat di hati wanita dan kaum keluarga . Jika ada pun wanita-wanita kat luar meminati lelaki ini juga sudah pasti atas dasar kepopularan lelaki tersebut masuk tv sebagaimana penonton memuja Mawi, Zahid, Jaqline Victor dan sebagainya atas dasar penilainya dalam sebuah program realiti tv yang lebih memaparkan realiti kebaikan dari realiti keburukan..
Dari minggu ke minggu satu persatu lelaki akan dikeluarkan begitu saja. Jadi dekat sini lapan hati lelaki akan kecewa. Bila dah kecewa sudah pasti mereka tidak mempercayai wanita lagi dan membuatkan dia semakin takut untuk mencari jodoh dan bercinta dengan mana-mana wanita. Ini membuatkan mereka rasa kecewa dan tak nak mencari cinta lagi jauh lagi untuk menamatkan zaman bujang dalam masa terdekat.
Kepada kaum lelaki saya nak tanya apakah tak ada cara lain lagi dalam mencari seorang wanita. Di mana sifat lelaki anda sehingga menyuruh orang lain mencarikan jodoh untuk anda. Apakah perasaan anda dan kaum keluarga anda bila anda ditolak oleh seorang wanita yang sememang kita kenal bukan sepopular Siti Nurhaliza, secantik Aiswarya Rai jauh lagi bertutup aurat seiras Wahida. Jauh sekali wanita itu dari kalangan keraba diraja atau golongan hartawan. Begitu juga jauh sekali kita nak bezakan semulia dengan insan yang bernama Siti Khadijah atau Rabiatul Adawiyah .
Apakah yang membuatkan anda semua masuk program ini semata untuk mencari glamor, atau mempromosi kaum keluarga, mempromosi tempat kerja dan majikan. Atau sememangnya menjual maruah anda sendiri atau melahirkan kekesalan diri anda lagi tewas dengan seorang wanita. Apa moralnya gadis itu terpilih. Dan yang nyata apakah anda yang hensem, yang memiliki pekerja tetap dan hebat ini tidak mempunyai kekasih hati. Apakah pula wanita yang dianggap sopan, baik pada keluarga itu tidak mendapat jodoh. Itulah hakikat sebenarnya yang perlu penonton tahu.
Kesimpulannya pihak penganjur mengatakan tidak semestinya diakhiri dengan perkahwinan. Jadi kalau tak diakhiri dengan perkahwinan nak diakhiri dengan apa lagi. Nak diakhiri dengan kecewa kaum lelaki atau perasaan megah seorang wanita kerana ramai lelaki meminatinya. Jadi kalau tak diakhiri dengan perkahwinan sudah pasti program ini sebenarnya telah lari dari tajuk asal. Jika program ini menyediakan 10 lelaki dan 10 perempuan dan mereka mencari jodoh masing-masing rasanya itu dianggap lebih manis dan berkesan dalam mencari jodoh bukan semata mencari kecewa lelaki.
Yang pasti di saat tv3 memaparkan program realiti tv Bersamamu yang membuatkan orang ramai menangis kesedihan kerana mengenangkan kemiskinan kita pula disogokkan dengan perasaan kecewa dalam mencari cinta. Waktu siaran pula adalah selama satu jam tapi program Bersamamu itu yang merupakan rancangan terbaik, memberi manfaat, berkesan pula dalam tempoh tak sampai setengah jam. Jangan terlalu leka dengan program realiti tv sehingga apa yang dipaparkan tak memberi faedah langsung kepada semua penonton.
Banyak lagi rasanya rancangan yang perlu diketengahkan dalam mencari rating tertinggi seperti memaparkan atau mendedahkan isu kelakuan aib remaja berpasangan atau tak senonoh di tempat terbuka, rancangan keinsafan atas kesalahan besar dilakukan dalam hidup seseorang seperti membuat temu ramah rancangan yang memaparkan tentang keinsafan, taubat atau rancangan luahan orang cacat, yatim piatu atau yang memaparkan isu hari-hari terakhir seorang pesakit AIDS, seorang yang akan dijatuhkan hukuman gantung atau rancangan yang memaparkan isu kenapa seseorang ibu bapa yang tua ditinggalkan di ! rumah Seri Kenangan. Rancangan lebih kepada berbentuk pengorbanan dan kasih sayang yang sebenar.
Saya yakin rancangan yang saya maksudkan ini akan mendapat rating dan disukai ramai kerana ia adalah sebuah rancangan realiti yang sebenar-benarnya daripada program realiti lain yang lebih kepada hiburan kosong semata-mata dan hanya sebuah lakonan dalam pentas teater. Yang pasti rancangan yang dipaparkan lebih kepada perasaan memupuk kasih sayang dan keinsafan daripada kita menangisi tentang cinta tidak kesampaian atau menangisi tentang penyingkiran seseorang yang baru belajar nak menyanyi dan mencari sebuah haluan hidup yang tak pasti.
Note from Lishaznia:
I've always thought that dating reality shows are crap. They make the girls all look slutty and cheap. Not to mention highly desperate. While the guys all look pathetic coz they cant pull in girls and both genders just cant help but look shallow. Why would respectable men and women would actually want to join shows like that. Does money and fame worth sacrificing yur dignity?
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
So of course I had to decline. Not with the operation this Friday as well as PTS and Convo. I cant possibly start working now. Not to mention the Langkawi trip. But why TGV? One of the two places that I really wanted. If it was like Jusco or something I probably feel so bad bout turning down the job. GOD!! This sucks! I just hope that TGV is still hiring in September.
Now just 2 more days to go to the big operation. Anxiety is really doing a good job in scaring me. Wish me luck people!
Monday, August 01, 2005
But I guess in my condition I shouldn't have waited. What I have is a giant fybroid (I think) which is a benign tumor that grows inside my body. At first it may be benign but if left long enough it may develop into cancerous tissues. Since I had numerous histories of cancer from Dad's side of the family I guess the possibility that it will turn cancerous is higher than most people with a similar condition.
I realise the seriousness of the whole situation but I've never been a big fan of medicines and hospitals. And don't even get me started on needles and blood. I'm a firm believer in making sure that your antibodies should try to handle minor diseases and illnesses like the flu or headaches on their own without the aid of drugs. So nobody will ever see me popping panadols or uphamols or whatnots whenever I get the flu or headaches. How can the body be strong if drugs are the ones doing the work.
Yeah... I know this is not like some ordinary illness. But still... it'll mean injecting stuff into my system as well as taking stuff out from me. I already had an unfortunate incident with a nurse who didn't know how to take blood from a fine-veined person like me. As a result I became a living pin cushion. You should see the bruises on me. Imagine going through all that pain for a few mililitres of blood. Totally not worth it. Hence my reason for not donating blood. Not selfish (well... maybe a bit) but because there's a big possibility that the nurses will spend more time trying to find my veins than actually getting the blood out of me. It happened before when I was 14 and I know it will happen again. Possibly this coming Friday.
Mum is already going into denial mode by trying not to talk about the whole thing. I find that disturbing. The more she tries to ignore it the more I tend to think about the whole thing. But one thing is for sure... we both want this ordeal to be over as soon as possible. And I want to heal as soon as possible so that I can go off to KL and have something to do for a change other than cook and watch TV. I think I've watched enough TV to last me a whole last time. If only mum subscribed to the movie channel. Life would then be less meaningless...
I envy Matt. Right now he's out with friends having fun. He rubbed it in my face earlier. Sure it was just a joke but somehow I'm kinda resentful coz I'm stuck here doing nothing while he's there having fun. It's true what they say that misery does love company. No wonder there's housewives all over the world just wake up one day and decide that life is not worth living anymore and end it. I just hope that I wont turn out that way.
One good thing that has come out if this is that I look forward to things even more. I look forward to PTS and making up the cast for HUNGRY no matter how bad the play is. I can't wait for my convo and I definitely cant waitr for the trip to Langkawi. PLEASE GOD let it not be cancelled. It's the only thing that's keeping me going at the moment.
Wow... hope is a powerful motivation tool. Never realised that it works in mundane ordinary things before.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
I guess it has never been settled... just hushed down I guess. So since the bombing and all these Pakistanis have been arrested people think that's okay to just go round and kill people who were different than they are. Because of that one black guy has been murdered in broad daylight. It's just insane! What does most people say about this? Oh... it's just to be expected. Well it shouldn't be. Taking the lives of others is not a privilege that man was supposed to have. It is the right of God and God's alone.
People are full of violence now. You can see it in the things that we play with. Computer games designed for teens are all about killing or mutilating people and the gorier it is the more it sells. Take Counter strike for example... it's a game where you go round killing all the other opponents. What does that teach to teens?
In a way I'm glad I'm in Malaysia where tradition bounds most aspects of life. I dont know how I'll live in a country where it's normal for high schoolers to have guns and teens look and act older than they really are. But saying that... there are aspects of that nations that I'd definitely would love to adopt but tradition and customs would never allow these 'budaya kuning' to ever gain foot in Malaysia.
People live in fear and the more we don't know about something the more we fear it. But does that mean wo should kill those that we fear. What if that thing we fear was in fact a blessing and can be put into good use. Sometimes ignorance is bliss... but not at the expense of others.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
I can now go out whenever I want without the fear of her falling down or something. I can go out with friends or my sister or mama and we wont have to rush home to ensure that her food is ready by the time she wants to eat. Note- when she wants to eat, not when we usually have our meals, which means we can never predict when she wants to eat therefore we have to always stay home and be at her beck and call.
So she's in KL and now I can enjoy my vacation. Finally!
Then again... I am now faced with a new dilemma. What am I to do with all that free time? I've looked for a job and still I have no answer from any of the places I asked. No money so I cant zoom around town doing anything that I really want to do or buying anything that might take the bite out of this sheer boredom. *screams* I nead something to do!!!
Right now I am even happy to do my mom's schoolwork. YIPPEE!!! How exciting.
Enough with news of my boredom coz I can go on and on and on so on to happier news. Matt came down last Saturday as promised and everything was great. Had lunch at the house, chatted with the family (even with my granny), joked with Aimee and sampled my homemade pizza (which could've been perfect if I didn't run out of mozzarella cheese and had to make do with cheesedale instead). After lunch and a short rest we went to Coffeebeans for a drink and some much needed privacy. I really missed the guy but most of all I missed his company. I miss having a conversation that doesn't revolve round food, cleaning and house work. He kept me from going insane and for that the world whould thank him. Haha!
Although we weren't together during our 1 year anniversary so we thought of this as a post celebration. He was really sweet. Quite a big event for a guy who's never been in a relationship longer than several months. As for me I'm just happy that I'm with a guy who loves me for me. All I wish for now is for us to always be together.
Other than the cheesedale flaw on my pizza the day was perfect. *sigh* now I'm back to never knowing when I might see him next. That SUCKS!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Other than that it was the usual fast food outlets. Nothing spectacular. There were plenty of vacancies but due to our ongoing racial prejudices and discriminations many of those opportunities were closed off to people like me. The MALAY and tudung wearing type. I dont see the significance of having a chinese sales assistant when the shop is open to all Malaysians no matter the race or religion. These people must have the phrase birds of a feather flocks together as their life's mantra or something.
So tomorrow is an interview with Kenny Rogers though as much as I want to hold out for my two choices I cant be picky. They may never even call. I just need some activities to do for the next 3-4 month and some cash to tide me over. Other than that I'm great (oh and not counting me being my grandma's nursemaid which sucks by the way since her so-called ailments are getting worse and worse).
Another thing to look forward to... My stranger coming down all the way from KL just to see me. It's really sweet of him since I know he's gonna be pooped by the time he gets back to uni that nite. 3 hour bus ride to and fro can still drain even the well-rested man. Knowing Matt... he'll probably stay up all Saturday nite playing games or sumthin. But still... can't wait to see him. I have the menu for lunch all lined up and all it needs is the actual execution of cooking. Yeehaa!
One good thing about being a nursemaid... I'm forced to buck up my cooking skills.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Yeah... yeah all you people are gonna say that she's old and she's sure to have some illness and disabilities here and there and I accept that but trust me at times you know she's exxagerating. She eats very well (rice 3 times a day mind you) for someone who claims to the doctors that she cant eat much because of stomach pains. And she certainly gets around a lot for someone who claims she's gonna drop dead any day now. The only troubling ailing disease I see right now is the fact that she's bored and typical of any bored person, you sleep a lot. But no... she tells the doctors that it is a serious disease and needs to be cured. So there I am in the clinic listening to her explaining to the doctor about one threatening disease after another and I cant say anything in case I offend her feelings.
As far as grandmas go she's not exactly the typical grandma figure that you see in movies or hear in stories but she's not exactly the cold, heartless grandma either. But she's definitely finicky and loves to complaint. And because of thet she's landed with us. Probably the only family that can tolerate her. Still she's managed to stir up some uptight feelings in my mom and my sis.
As for me I think it's best that I find a job as quickly as I can before I get fed up with her and end up hurting her feelings. She wont like it coz she'll be losing an ear to moan and groan to but hey... I think she'll live. I just need to get out of the house before I combust from utter boredom or from overeating. Oh did I mention that She refuses to eat unless someone eat with her. So if any of you see how I ballooned I am during the break. You'll know why.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Graduation is not as hyped up as it seems. Very anti climax. Truth is it's a bore. Have to find me a job if I dont to waste away while waiting for my next enrolment. BLEARGH! Life sucks at the moment.
I wanna go and watch War of the Worlds but don't wanna go alone. Too chicken maybe. Should I or shouldn't I? How pathetic am I? Where are my friends?!!
There's nothing on the net. Nothing to do. No money so no talk. Aarrghhh!!
So this is life according to a girl who's bored out of her wits. Someone just shoot me... PLEASE!!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
I'm a reasonable person and I dont mind my real roommate staying by since I'm using some of her stuff so all is fair but when other people are coming over then it is just too much. I may be able to tolerate 2-3 days stay but a whole weeks worth? FORGET IT! That's already 20 bucks worth in rent. All the bullshit that I'm working so I'll be able to pay is CRAP since these people are working too. Unless you're working for peanuts then fork out the cash for your bed and board.
But what really pisses me off is that I'm right here in front of the computer ranting and raving while in front of the very people that I'm pissed at I clam up. WHY! WHY? WHY?!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Well... no use crying over spilt milk. It's too late now. The 'Thanks but no thanks' email has been sent. I just hope that they dont blacklist me in the future. Who knows maybe one day I'd apply to that company again.
In a way I feel relieved. Somehow I feel that I'm not quite ready to really step into the working world just yet. Sure I'm working right now but look at what I'm doing now... I'm blogging during office hours. Shows how laid back this job really is. But so far I seem doing okay for a fresh undergrad. Got a job offer to be a kindergarten teacher in PJ. I'll see how it goes. If they're willing to only let me stay til November then it should be cool. Not something to do on a permanent basis though.
*sigh* I hate the predicaments of being an adult...
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I owe it extreme boredeom to actually find myself in front of the TV watching 'Average Joe', a dating reality TV show where Miss America or something gets to pick either an average Joe (common not-too-good-looking men) or some stud that the show provided for her. Last night was the grand finale where she had to choose between this sweet, short, average looking guy (see pic-left. He's better looking on TV) and a hunky, blonde, actor wannabe.
So as usual you know what happens. The actor wannabe was picked although he blatantly say to the girl that he hopes to launch an acting career from being in that TV show. Duh! How dumb can you get Miss America! And finally she got what she deserved bybeing rejected in the end by the very guy who she said 'I think you're the one' just because she used to date Fabio, the PLAYBOY that every mothers warns their kids about. The guys whose pictures appear on cheesy, erotic romance novels. The kinds that guys can easily get a hard on to by just reading the extremely graphic details. I guess the guy's insecurity just can let it pass that he would never measure up to Fabio's performance *winkwink* if you know what I mean.SO at the end of the show all she could say was 'Shame on me...' Well, shame on you then for making such a dumb choice.
Beauty vs Brains or Beauty vs Personality is an ongoing battle that is extremely one sided. Beauty always wins. Last night's show was proof enough. In fact the previous season of 'Average Joe' also came up with the same results. The beauty also picked another beauty. Even at the start of the this season Miss America was struck dumb when she saw all the average Joes lined up for her. Miss America thought that she was way too good for them (yeah sure the shows are scripted but these sentiments are usually true. Ask out any supermodels or gorgeous babes out there and you'll know what I mean). Now I know why I do NOT follow these kind of shows. They're insulting. I'm happily living in my world where only guys go for looks and now on national TV girls are proving themselves to be just as shallow.
So is there any hope at all for us girls who are a little low in the looks department but are high in personality. These kind of things do not help in my paranoia that someday some busty, bottle-blonde bombshell is gonna swoop down and grab my guy. Men and hormones. Does it mean that I hafta present myself in that way just to keep a guy? I dont think so. If a guy shows that looks plays a deciding role in a relationship then its 'Sayonara' baby. Guys like that aren't worth the fight. But if some barbie doll do try to steal your man... be prepare to fight to the death!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
It probably wont be too bad if not for the fact that the country generates thousands of graduates each year and only a handful would go on building their own empire while the rest would just be satisfied in being a teeny weeny part of another empire. Myself included.
A society only produces a few Donald Trumps and Bill Gates every generation so that hundreds of thousand of people could work for these few gifted individuals. Sure these people would say that you hafta work for it and bla.. bla.. bla but you still have to have what it takes. A whole lotta luck.
In my case my dreams of actually having something to do during the intermission from undergrad to postgrad was brutally crushed by the news that the Unit does not take non-student working here. Sheesh... couldn't they just at least give an exception since I am technically still a student here. And it's only a matter of time that I'll be accepted back for postgrad. Sounds cocky? Well... you would be if you heard that even those with CGPA 2.4 is accepted for a Masters nowadays. Oh how the standards have fallen.
So everyday I go through the routine of checking jobstreet for a job and hopefully some employers would notice my resume and say... "wow! this is an outstanding gal. We must have her work with us!" But alas... that may only remain as a figment of my imagination. So hopeful work lined up 1) Freelance mystery shopper 2)Content writer. Other companies havent even viewed my resume so I'd say that they're not interested.
Oh what a materialistic world we live in now. We are governed by money! We work coz we need money... money and more money. I need money now to pay for my PTPTN.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
My biggest fear... is being alone. I'm not afraid of the dark or scary spirits (though I dont go provoking them either). What I fear the most is the fact that I come back to a place where it is void of other beings. No laughter, no small talks, no shouting. Just the sound of my own breathing. I guess my being here on campus when all other souls are at home was my challenge, my need to confront my fears and learn that being alone was not as bad as it seems.
The first night was the hardest. Nobody was around and I guess the silence just got to me. I cried like a pathetic lonely bitch that I am. It was horrible but thank God for Alexander Graham Bell. If it weren't for the handphone I'd probably would have cried myself to death. The weekend was the only thing that kept me going. It was my escape from being alone. My escape from the opressive silence.
But its getting easier. Just hafta know how to kill time. Work helps... games help and thank GOD anis left her computer. I am so starved for human interaction that the mere sight of another person around me soothes me. Everytime I feel the pressure of being alone I open the front door and look for signs that there's other girls going through the same loneliness. Even the sight of another room with it's lights turned on calms me.
Phobias are a bitch and one way or another you hafta fight it. I'm fighting a battle now but I wonder if I'll ever win this war that rages on within myself. The war of loneliness.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Losing the love of your life is hard enough but what about losing the love of your children. We hear stuff nowadays bout kids sending folks to the home and leaving them there to die.BUt is that much better than staying with your kids and having them scorn at you and hurting you with their words. I'd rather go to the home and live in pampered ignorance rather than put in the line of barb and scorn every single second.
People always say that they'll never ignore their old folks but how many actually put that to action and even if they do put it to action how many of them does it willingly? If the case was the latter then probably death is not a bad option after all for most folks.
Love your parents... they're the only ones that you have.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Your element is Ice. This element may seem a little odd, but this is a side-effect from when the element of Water gets hurt. Once you were a content soul, and happy with life. But then something happened. Not necessarily in one day, it probably happened gradually over time. You lost your will to care and became even more reserved from the world. People had hurt you in ways you do not want to remember and now you isolate yourself from them. You have turned into an outsider and probably dress more in black than you used to. Your depression is eating you up and tearing you apart and the worst part is that no one is willing to help, or so it seems. In school you are often by yourself or one single friend and you rarely seem to be truly happy anymore. Your sad, distant eyes and constant frown seems glued to your face and you need a saviour from this world. You may turn to music for understanding and sing/scream along in the lyrics to get rid of some pain. You are not very open about your problems to your family/friends, and wish that they would just notice it and make it go away.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
But to take things on a more positive note maybe I can finally lose weight. No food means less eating. Less eating means lose weight. Yey! I guess this can be kind like a training ground for me so that when I get my own place I'll know how it feels. Living on campus doesn't mean its free just cheaper that's all. And convenient. I mean who wouldn't want a room at RM3.50 a day which includes water and electric charges as well as security. A heck of a good deal if you ask me. SO what if there's no one around its not like I'm the socialite of the year anyways. Sp things'll be cool. Everyday go to work. Earn some moolah then go back, watch some movies and read good books, zone out and then the process will repeat itself all over again. There... before I know it two weeks have gone by just like that.
Sheesh... who am I kidding? It's gonna be a horrible 2 weeks. Please somebody! Come keep me company!
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
A heart of rock can sometimes be shaken to its core by a mere amber that once burned with an intensity that can consume its vessel if not for the will of iron in which it is contained. Thus when there is nothing to burn the fire dies out. But sometimes when a fire is doused it does not go out completely. For a spark will always be left behind just waiting for the catalyst to ignite its fire once again.
But what do you do when it ignites within a crystal, an entity of purity, a place in which you are safe from all that is unpure, your home. It is a place of safety, protection and contentment. A place where fires are not supposed to rage. But the presence of flames excite you and somehow you are drawn to it. Your crystal is your sanctuary but the fire beckons.
Never is the time for recklessness. for only a fool would even think about playing with fire. The flame leaps and dance to seduce you but in the end it'll just burn you.
Your safe place is where you stay but the calmness and serenity will forever leave an emptiness inside you. Forever making you long and pine for the searing heat of the fire...
Friday, June 10, 2005
But one more hurdle to go until I'm free of my undergraduate bondage... my hafazan. Bleargh! UIA loves to 'menyusahkan' its students. Arabic la, tilawah la, ibadah camp la, usrah la... and now hafazan. So again... bleargh! And now that semantics is out of the way I have no more excuse but to actually start memorising. Waaa... I'm not good in that too.
Exams are next week and I am proud to say that I have not even started studying. Yeap... as always I am the procrastinator. Putting things to the very last minute. It worked so far so why not. I'll keep on doing it then :P
It's always at a time when you're at your busiest that things socially start looking up. Now Yuni manged to get some really good tickets to genting which includes board, rides and even transportation at sucha ridiculous price and she wants to go next week. Yeap exam week. Genting is also doing a promo for their 40th annioversary and their charging RM1 per room IF you manage to get up there on the 10th or the 11th to do your booking. How am I suppose to manage all that in a span of a few days AND study as well. *shaking head* Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma!
Ika is finally back from UK so I'm heading back to Maluri soon. Can't wait to taste all that good ZBritish chocolates. I can't remember how many cavities I had during my stay there. But hey... it was all worth it. The choccies are soooooo good (geez, and I question why I gained so much weight.)
Iskandar decided to do the disapearing trick again. Not sms-ing nor answering my calls. Maybe he read the blog about him, misunderstood it and ran away. If that really happened then there's only one thing I can say... SO PERASAN! Just for your info, DOY, I no longer have feelings for you. I am in love with my boyfriend MATT. And I know that it's gonna stay that way for a long time yet and probably (hopefully) until I die. So please... stop your perasan case!
Friday, June 03, 2005
It's okay for a guy to approach girls and get friendly but its not okay for girls to do that? What happened to women's liberation? And though it exists then why are there plenty of strong, gorgeous women still bound by this mentality? why? why?
Girls have every right to pursue happiness so if she spots a guy that catches her eye then why cant she go up to him and be friends? It's so unfair!
Maybe its due to the fact that men are very vain creaturess and when women go up to them they'll start to think that they're all that. Urgh! Seriously guys... sometimes you should look at yourselves in the mirror. And then all these 'perasan' guys will start to get all macho and think that they're irresistable and in turn they'll start thinking that maybe this girl wants something more than friendship. And so the vicious cycle continues.
As for me I just think that opportunities shouldn't be passed by and if there'ssomething or someone that you feel is right for you then go ahead and grab it. Life is too short. Live it or forever be in regret.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
But what if the girl doesn't want to be kept away. What if she's so stubbornly stupid to realise that it's just gonna get worse. What would you do then...
This is the dilemma of a friend who's helpless to help a friend. You could advise, talk to her till you foam at the mouth but she still wont budge. In a situation like I said before, that's a case where the girl is just too weak. In this case... the girl is strong but her strength lies misguided. Love is powerful. So powerful that it'll turn a sensible, sane, strong minded person into putty in a matter of seconds.
You know what's even worse the girl actually knows that she's in a bad situation and she knows what could and may happen but she's just too proud to actually give up on the relationship. Girls have this weakness where they think that they can change the guy's "bad habit" if given more time. HELLO!! If more time was given in this case you'd probably be dead.
So again I ask, what should be done in a case like this? It's easy to just let things be and pretend that this whole thing isn't happening but you cant... not when the friend keeps getting more and more battered up. And the fact that she drags you into her domestic affairs as well. *aargh* That is another problem to be elaborated for another day.
So if there's any good ideas out there about this matter PLEASE run them by me. I'm here at my wit's ened trying to figure out what to do. Let's hope that by the end of this ordeal I'll still have hair left after tearing chunks of it out due to frustration.
Monday, May 30, 2005
Wanting things is an integral part of life. You want things all the time. Food, clothes, accesories, toys and other stuff that'll make your heart complete. But sometimes there are things that you want that goes beyond mere wants and needs. It becomes your focus and an obsession.
As for me, what I wanted would change my life in a myriad of ways. BUt most of all it would help the one person that I've come to cherish aove all things in my life. My mother. All the time that I've wasted trying to rebel against her can never be returned and now all I ask is just one chance to prove myself. And yet it was denied.
I have never been good with rejection. So much hurt and pain would well up inside me whenever I encounter yet another rejection but somehow in life there are areas in which I excel and never rejected. I guess God wants me to taste the bitter pill in life by showing me that sometimes you can get too cocky.
And when you fall... you fall hard. Coping with rejection is one thing but letting others see you in that vulnerable state is definitely another. Alas... I have suffered both today.
I just know that I just can't give up. Don't give up. I have too much riding on this to just give up.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
School days were the worst for me. I hated school especially when I was in the last two years of high school. I guess that period was my first lesson in life. Shit will happen and they're merciless. Life can just drain you up to a point when you'll think what's the point of living anymore? But life works in twisted and wonderous ways. Just as much as it enjoys fucking people up it'll somehow give something to let you hold on and not give up. Sometimes you realise what they are sometimes you dont. As for me... I didn't know how much I valued the friendship of a couple of friends until now. And this guy... was one of them.
At a time when life sucks I found solace in solitude, sarcasm, a true friend and a crush. I guess these was the things that kept me sane when everything else was as chaos. To the world I was an outcast; not to be befriended because I was stupid and I excel in the one thing that I am good at. That's the Malay dilemma for you. Never wanting to see others succeed. I hated that life with every fibre of my being and to this day the feeling just grows and grows. But with this guy he wasn't just a crush but a kindred spirit. Someone who understood and was going through the same thing that I was but lucky for him he had and advantage of being MALE. Females are ruthless and they'll do anything to keep another down. Yes... I know I'm a female and I shouldn't bitch about my own sex but hey... it's the truth.
To cut things short... things didn't work out relationship-wise. In a way I'm glad... who knew what could've happened to the bond that we shared if things did work out. Love is a gift and a blessing but sometimes it'll change things for the worse. This is the guy whom I could talk to without holding back and with love in the picture he might vanish just like that. Friend like these are hard to find and you'll be lucky if you could find even a handful. They are the friend you want to keep. Friends who'll always have your back.
But having said that... I just realised. How can I be so stupid! I already have the same comraderie and friendship that I have with that guy but with the added bonus of love as well. I have it in Matt. The guy who'll listen and criticise as brutally honest as he could be. A friend and a companion. A 2 in 1 deal.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
I guess the only conflict in my life right now is what to do next and what is there to eat besides boring old UIA food. I've also found a way to fund myself through my postgrad years which would put me in further debt in say... the next 20 years. *sigh* Everything has a cost nowadays, next thing you know they'll be charging you for breathing.
So that's it... that's my pathetic life. Horrible aint it. I just wish that I had a dillema like Fynn to write about. Revenge to all the people that shunned me before in my life. It's nice but been there, done that. My sweet revenge has passed. I've proved my point. I'm not dumb! (so there you stupid MRSM snobs!) Besides I think I'm groen enough to let bygones be bygones :P
So basically the next three years of my life wont be any different than it is now. Boring...boring...boring. I just PRAY that someday I'll hit gold like Firdaus. Lucky guy... he already has a high paying job and the firm he works with is gonna fund his master's degree. AAArrRrRgGGGGhhhhh! Some people get all the luck while I'm here burdened by more and more debt.
I seriously think I should reconsider my study vs working options. *whimper*
Friday, May 20, 2005
I dont know whether I should say this with shame but I have never ever watched the old Star Wars Episode *gasp* Yeap... its true. Some may say that I come from a galaxy far, far away.
Well... I can't help it. I've never liked sci-fi. And since I'm on the subject of hating sci-fi I have to admit that I've never watched any of the Matrix trilogy either *double gasp* I think its boring *triple gasp* (Gasps are kindly contributed dramatically by Matt-a true sci-fi fan)
Back to Star Wars, I now fully embrace the Star Wars legacy and is now looking forward to watching the other episodes of Star Wars especially the original ones. I think Matt is ecstatic that he manage to convert a non-fan into a grudgingly-afraid-to-say-it fan. You know I'm seriously contemplating buying myself a light saber. They're ever so cool!
Monday, May 09, 2005
Staying in this hellhole has at least one advantage. Here I get to control what I eat since I hafta pay for it. Yes I sound like Miss Scrooge but hey... rm10 nowadays dont go far anymore. It'll probably last you three days tops. Trust me I've been through the days of utter starvation when my mom decided to teach me a lesson and decided to let me starve for being too loose with money.
But back to the issue... My one and only weakness 'FOOD'. I dont know how to control it. I'm just glad that I'm worried enough as not to stuff myself silly with food. At least I'm vain enough to not want to be called Obese. Sometimes I look at those extreme obese cases on TV and I swear to myself to do something but somehow I always lose the battle. God! Help me! What am I supposed to do.
I hate today's world of superficiality. Why must beauty conquer all? Why is it put second next to intelligence? And WHY must FAT people be considered ugly?
Friday, May 06, 2005
Yesterday I was practically hunted down like a rabbit just so that he can take down my number and shower me with proclaimation of love at first sight and offers of marriage. Freaky? You got it. He told me that the minute that he saw me he knows that he wants to marry me and all because my "aura" was beautiful. Sheesh!
I supposed I should be flattered but I'm NOT. I have a BOYFRIEND. Even if I was single this guy is definitely out of the question. And what is freakier is the fact that he wouldn't back off even though I told him I was in love with someone else. Aiyoo! Headache! He even called last night to tell me that he loved me. *SCREAM* Help me!
And amidst all the running and ducking into empty classes I was stupid enough to be threatened to give my number (cowering in shame). Don't blame me! I was scared! And... he practically took my phone and made sure that the number was correct. I did give Matt's 013 number at first but he knew I was bluffing. *sigh* And this had to happen on the one day that Matt balik kampung.
I just hate the fact that I'm going round campus and looking over my back all the time to see if he is stalking me (which he did after despite me practically running from him after the whole "talk". Luckily Along Syerina was driving that day) Next time I'm gonna call him up and bring Matt along. This is a perk of having a boyfriend who works out other than the fact that he looks yummy:P
If any of you suddenly notice that I'm missing in action... Please contact Matt and lookout for a foreigner named Mustafa.
Monday, May 02, 2005
I'm just so lonely. So very lonely. Everyone have gone off their seperate ways so I'm left here alone with only one person to hold on to. I guess I have turned into a hermit. Estranged and pathetic with very few friends to call my own. No wonder I enjoy spending time in the dingy office. It has become my hiding place. A place where I can pretend that in reality I'm a loser, a nobody that no one wishes to have any connections with. There I can pretend that I'm someone important and that I can pretend that I'm actually needed for something. At least there I'm not rejected.
Rejection has been too common for me nowadays and yet I've still not learned how to handle it. I doubt that I'll ever learn. God... just give me strength. PLEASE...
Monday, April 25, 2005
Other than that I'm pretty excited to be back. I miss my friends... I miss having work and I miss Matt. But I'll definitely miss the unlimited time usage of the internet at home since UIA have lousy schedule for lab usage and absurdly limited terminals for in comparison to thye students' capacity. So for the next couple of months my blogs will be few in between.
I miss my mum *sob* Wish she was here to send me off *sob*
Oh well... Got to make sure the house is all secured before I leave. My bus is leaving in 2 hours so I gotta ready. Over and Out!