Monday, August 01, 2005

The Countdown BEGINS!

So it's finally settled. I have 4 more days to go till operation day. Cant say that I'm dreading it since it'll be the end of my endless boredom at home. Mum wasn't not happy that I put off the operation this long and it didnt help that the doctor commented on the very same thing as soon as I stepped into his office (damn doctor!). Yet I cant say that I looking forward to this surgery either. I mean who would look forward to having their body cut open and have people digging into their bodies. EEEWWW!!

But I guess in my condition I shouldn't have waited. What I have is a giant fybroid (I think) which is a benign tumor that grows inside my body. At first it may be benign but if left long enough it may develop into cancerous tissues. Since I had numerous histories of cancer from Dad's side of the family I guess the possibility that it will turn cancerous is higher than most people with a similar condition.

I realise the seriousness of the whole situation but I've never been a big fan of medicines and hospitals. And don't even get me started on needles and blood. I'm a firm believer in making sure that your antibodies should try to handle minor diseases and illnesses like the flu or headaches on their own without the aid of drugs. So nobody will ever see me popping panadols or uphamols or whatnots whenever I get the flu or headaches. How can the body be strong if drugs are the ones doing the work.

Yeah... I know this is not like some ordinary illness. But still... it'll mean injecting stuff into my system as well as taking stuff out from me. I already had an unfortunate incident with a nurse who didn't know how to take blood from a fine-veined person like me. As a result I became a living pin cushion. You should see the bruises on me. Imagine going through all that pain for a few mililitres of blood. Totally not worth it. Hence my reason for not donating blood. Not selfish (well... maybe a bit) but because there's a big possibility that the nurses will spend more time trying to find my veins than actually getting the blood out of me. It happened before when I was 14 and I know it will happen again. Possibly this coming Friday.

Mum is already going into denial mode by trying not to talk about the whole thing. I find that disturbing. The more she tries to ignore it the more I tend to think about the whole thing. But one thing is for sure... we both want this ordeal to be over as soon as possible. And I want to heal as soon as possible so that I can go off to KL and have something to do for a change other than cook and watch TV. I think I've watched enough TV to last me a whole last time. If only mum subscribed to the movie channel. Life would then be less meaningless...

I envy Matt. Right now he's out with friends having fun. He rubbed it in my face earlier. Sure it was just a joke but somehow I'm kinda resentful coz I'm stuck here doing nothing while he's there having fun. It's true what they say that misery does love company. No wonder there's housewives all over the world just wake up one day and decide that life is not worth living anymore and end it. I just hope that I wont turn out that way.

One good thing that has come out if this is that I look forward to things even more. I look forward to PTS and making up the cast for HUNGRY no matter how bad the play is. I can't wait for my convo and I definitely cant waitr for the trip to Langkawi. PLEASE GOD let it not be cancelled. It's the only thing that's keeping me going at the moment.

Wow... hope is a powerful motivation tool. Never realised that it works in mundane ordinary things before.

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