Thursday, June 30, 2005
Well... no use crying over spilt milk. It's too late now. The 'Thanks but no thanks' email has been sent. I just hope that they dont blacklist me in the future. Who knows maybe one day I'd apply to that company again.
In a way I feel relieved. Somehow I feel that I'm not quite ready to really step into the working world just yet. Sure I'm working right now but look at what I'm doing now... I'm blogging during office hours. Shows how laid back this job really is. But so far I seem doing okay for a fresh undergrad. Got a job offer to be a kindergarten teacher in PJ. I'll see how it goes. If they're willing to only let me stay til November then it should be cool. Not something to do on a permanent basis though.
*sigh* I hate the predicaments of being an adult...
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
I owe it extreme boredeom to actually find myself in front of the TV watching 'Average Joe', a dating reality TV show where Miss America or something gets to pick either an average Joe (common not-too-good-looking men) or some stud that the show provided for her. Last night was the grand finale where she had to choose between this sweet, short, average looking guy (see pic-left. He's better looking on TV) and a hunky, blonde, actor wannabe.
So as usual you know what happens. The actor wannabe was picked although he blatantly say to the girl that he hopes to launch an acting career from being in that TV show. Duh! How dumb can you get Miss America! And finally she got what she deserved bybeing rejected in the end by the very guy who she said 'I think you're the one' just because she used to date Fabio, the PLAYBOY that every mothers warns their kids about. The guys whose pictures appear on cheesy, erotic romance novels. The kinds that guys can easily get a hard on to by just reading the extremely graphic details. I guess the guy's insecurity just can let it pass that he would never measure up to Fabio's performance *winkwink* if you know what I mean.SO at the end of the show all she could say was 'Shame on me...' Well, shame on you then for making such a dumb choice.
Beauty vs Brains or Beauty vs Personality is an ongoing battle that is extremely one sided. Beauty always wins. Last night's show was proof enough. In fact the previous season of 'Average Joe' also came up with the same results. The beauty also picked another beauty. Even at the start of the this season Miss America was struck dumb when she saw all the average Joes lined up for her. Miss America thought that she was way too good for them (yeah sure the shows are scripted but these sentiments are usually true. Ask out any supermodels or gorgeous babes out there and you'll know what I mean). Now I know why I do NOT follow these kind of shows. They're insulting. I'm happily living in my world where only guys go for looks and now on national TV girls are proving themselves to be just as shallow.
So is there any hope at all for us girls who are a little low in the looks department but are high in personality. These kind of things do not help in my paranoia that someday some busty, bottle-blonde bombshell is gonna swoop down and grab my guy. Men and hormones. Does it mean that I hafta present myself in that way just to keep a guy? I dont think so. If a guy shows that looks plays a deciding role in a relationship then its 'Sayonara' baby. Guys like that aren't worth the fight. But if some barbie doll do try to steal your man... be prepare to fight to the death!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
It probably wont be too bad if not for the fact that the country generates thousands of graduates each year and only a handful would go on building their own empire while the rest would just be satisfied in being a teeny weeny part of another empire. Myself included.
A society only produces a few Donald Trumps and Bill Gates every generation so that hundreds of thousand of people could work for these few gifted individuals. Sure these people would say that you hafta work for it and bla.. bla.. bla but you still have to have what it takes. A whole lotta luck.
In my case my dreams of actually having something to do during the intermission from undergrad to postgrad was brutally crushed by the news that the Unit does not take non-student working here. Sheesh... couldn't they just at least give an exception since I am technically still a student here. And it's only a matter of time that I'll be accepted back for postgrad. Sounds cocky? Well... you would be if you heard that even those with CGPA 2.4 is accepted for a Masters nowadays. Oh how the standards have fallen.
So everyday I go through the routine of checking jobstreet for a job and hopefully some employers would notice my resume and say... "wow! this is an outstanding gal. We must have her work with us!" But alas... that may only remain as a figment of my imagination. So hopeful work lined up 1) Freelance mystery shopper 2)Content writer. Other companies havent even viewed my resume so I'd say that they're not interested.
Oh what a materialistic world we live in now. We are governed by money! We work coz we need money... money and more money. I need money now to pay for my PTPTN.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
My biggest fear... is being alone. I'm not afraid of the dark or scary spirits (though I dont go provoking them either). What I fear the most is the fact that I come back to a place where it is void of other beings. No laughter, no small talks, no shouting. Just the sound of my own breathing. I guess my being here on campus when all other souls are at home was my challenge, my need to confront my fears and learn that being alone was not as bad as it seems.
The first night was the hardest. Nobody was around and I guess the silence just got to me. I cried like a pathetic lonely bitch that I am. It was horrible but thank God for Alexander Graham Bell. If it weren't for the handphone I'd probably would have cried myself to death. The weekend was the only thing that kept me going. It was my escape from being alone. My escape from the opressive silence.
But its getting easier. Just hafta know how to kill time. Work helps... games help and thank GOD anis left her computer. I am so starved for human interaction that the mere sight of another person around me soothes me. Everytime I feel the pressure of being alone I open the front door and look for signs that there's other girls going through the same loneliness. Even the sight of another room with it's lights turned on calms me.
Phobias are a bitch and one way or another you hafta fight it. I'm fighting a battle now but I wonder if I'll ever win this war that rages on within myself. The war of loneliness.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Losing the love of your life is hard enough but what about losing the love of your children. We hear stuff nowadays bout kids sending folks to the home and leaving them there to die.BUt is that much better than staying with your kids and having them scorn at you and hurting you with their words. I'd rather go to the home and live in pampered ignorance rather than put in the line of barb and scorn every single second.
People always say that they'll never ignore their old folks but how many actually put that to action and even if they do put it to action how many of them does it willingly? If the case was the latter then probably death is not a bad option after all for most folks.
Love your parents... they're the only ones that you have.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Your element is Ice. This element may seem a little odd, but this is a side-effect from when the element of Water gets hurt. Once you were a content soul, and happy with life. But then something happened. Not necessarily in one day, it probably happened gradually over time. You lost your will to care and became even more reserved from the world. People had hurt you in ways you do not want to remember and now you isolate yourself from them. You have turned into an outsider and probably dress more in black than you used to. Your depression is eating you up and tearing you apart and the worst part is that no one is willing to help, or so it seems. In school you are often by yourself or one single friend and you rarely seem to be truly happy anymore. Your sad, distant eyes and constant frown seems glued to your face and you need a saviour from this world. You may turn to music for understanding and sing/scream along in the lyrics to get rid of some pain. You are not very open about your problems to your family/friends, and wish that they would just notice it and make it go away.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
But to take things on a more positive note maybe I can finally lose weight. No food means less eating. Less eating means lose weight. Yey! I guess this can be kind like a training ground for me so that when I get my own place I'll know how it feels. Living on campus doesn't mean its free just cheaper that's all. And convenient. I mean who wouldn't want a room at RM3.50 a day which includes water and electric charges as well as security. A heck of a good deal if you ask me. SO what if there's no one around its not like I'm the socialite of the year anyways. Sp things'll be cool. Everyday go to work. Earn some moolah then go back, watch some movies and read good books, zone out and then the process will repeat itself all over again. There... before I know it two weeks have gone by just like that.
Sheesh... who am I kidding? It's gonna be a horrible 2 weeks. Please somebody! Come keep me company!
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
A heart of rock can sometimes be shaken to its core by a mere amber that once burned with an intensity that can consume its vessel if not for the will of iron in which it is contained. Thus when there is nothing to burn the fire dies out. But sometimes when a fire is doused it does not go out completely. For a spark will always be left behind just waiting for the catalyst to ignite its fire once again.
But what do you do when it ignites within a crystal, an entity of purity, a place in which you are safe from all that is unpure, your home. It is a place of safety, protection and contentment. A place where fires are not supposed to rage. But the presence of flames excite you and somehow you are drawn to it. Your crystal is your sanctuary but the fire beckons.
Never is the time for recklessness. for only a fool would even think about playing with fire. The flame leaps and dance to seduce you but in the end it'll just burn you.
Your safe place is where you stay but the calmness and serenity will forever leave an emptiness inside you. Forever making you long and pine for the searing heat of the fire...
Friday, June 10, 2005
But one more hurdle to go until I'm free of my undergraduate bondage... my hafazan. Bleargh! UIA loves to 'menyusahkan' its students. Arabic la, tilawah la, ibadah camp la, usrah la... and now hafazan. So again... bleargh! And now that semantics is out of the way I have no more excuse but to actually start memorising. Waaa... I'm not good in that too.
Exams are next week and I am proud to say that I have not even started studying. Yeap... as always I am the procrastinator. Putting things to the very last minute. It worked so far so why not. I'll keep on doing it then :P
It's always at a time when you're at your busiest that things socially start looking up. Now Yuni manged to get some really good tickets to genting which includes board, rides and even transportation at sucha ridiculous price and she wants to go next week. Yeap exam week. Genting is also doing a promo for their 40th annioversary and their charging RM1 per room IF you manage to get up there on the 10th or the 11th to do your booking. How am I suppose to manage all that in a span of a few days AND study as well. *shaking head* Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma!
Ika is finally back from UK so I'm heading back to Maluri soon. Can't wait to taste all that good ZBritish chocolates. I can't remember how many cavities I had during my stay there. But hey... it was all worth it. The choccies are soooooo good (geez, and I question why I gained so much weight.)
Iskandar decided to do the disapearing trick again. Not sms-ing nor answering my calls. Maybe he read the blog about him, misunderstood it and ran away. If that really happened then there's only one thing I can say... SO PERASAN! Just for your info, DOY, I no longer have feelings for you. I am in love with my boyfriend MATT. And I know that it's gonna stay that way for a long time yet and probably (hopefully) until I die. So please... stop your perasan case!
Friday, June 03, 2005
It's okay for a guy to approach girls and get friendly but its not okay for girls to do that? What happened to women's liberation? And though it exists then why are there plenty of strong, gorgeous women still bound by this mentality? why? why?
Girls have every right to pursue happiness so if she spots a guy that catches her eye then why cant she go up to him and be friends? It's so unfair!
Maybe its due to the fact that men are very vain creaturess and when women go up to them they'll start to think that they're all that. Urgh! Seriously guys... sometimes you should look at yourselves in the mirror. And then all these 'perasan' guys will start to get all macho and think that they're irresistable and in turn they'll start thinking that maybe this girl wants something more than friendship. And so the vicious cycle continues.
As for me I just think that opportunities shouldn't be passed by and if there'ssomething or someone that you feel is right for you then go ahead and grab it. Life is too short. Live it or forever be in regret.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
But what if the girl doesn't want to be kept away. What if she's so stubbornly stupid to realise that it's just gonna get worse. What would you do then...
This is the dilemma of a friend who's helpless to help a friend. You could advise, talk to her till you foam at the mouth but she still wont budge. In a situation like I said before, that's a case where the girl is just too weak. In this case... the girl is strong but her strength lies misguided. Love is powerful. So powerful that it'll turn a sensible, sane, strong minded person into putty in a matter of seconds.
You know what's even worse the girl actually knows that she's in a bad situation and she knows what could and may happen but she's just too proud to actually give up on the relationship. Girls have this weakness where they think that they can change the guy's "bad habit" if given more time. HELLO!! If more time was given in this case you'd probably be dead.
So again I ask, what should be done in a case like this? It's easy to just let things be and pretend that this whole thing isn't happening but you cant... not when the friend keeps getting more and more battered up. And the fact that she drags you into her domestic affairs as well. *aargh* That is another problem to be elaborated for another day.
So if there's any good ideas out there about this matter PLEASE run them by me. I'm here at my wit's ened trying to figure out what to do. Let's hope that by the end of this ordeal I'll still have hair left after tearing chunks of it out due to frustration.