Monday, January 31, 2005


I just can't help it times but I am definitely a full blown pessimist. I have all these negative thoughts in my head that even the littlest things can be blown up to extraordinary proportions. I'm shaping myself to turn out like the grinch who stole christmas.

The thing was I was not this way before. I wonder how I suddenly developed this kind of thinking?

My relationship with Matt is probably the most affected by all this negativity. Everytime we fight I start thinking 'Is this gonna happen again?' or 'will our relationship last when all we do is fight?'

I dunno... there's just so many issues in my head that I feel as if I'm just bringing the guy too much trouble for him too handle. It's like when bad things happen between us, a part of me wants to push him away so that he won't see what a wreck I am inside and this other part of me just wants to hold on to him and never let go. See what I mean by me having this internal conflict? I definitely think that I am a psycho in some ways.

I wish that somehow I could rewire my brain to think more positively in matters. I guess there has been too much shit happening around me that my brain just becomes cynical and my heart refuses to see the positive things in life.*sigh*

The ironic thing is right now is that I'm working on the Quality Quest which has a theme of "Positive Ideas". I'm doing articles telling people how to be positive and yet I'm not practicing what I preach. Irony... Irony... Irony...

Saturday, January 29, 2005


Info Black
Your Heart is Black

What Color is Your Heart?

Friday, January 28, 2005

Case of the EX!

Why! Why! WHY!

Why must my asshole of an ex must find himself a girl HERE in UIA?

Why! Why! WHY!

Why must he be a huge stupid speck in my already messed up life? I don't need him around right now.

And why am I so bothered with him being around? I know I don't love him or even like him anymore. I abhor him! I hate him. He ruined my life.

Wait... I know why. Because he's happy someone else. He DOES NOT deserve to be happy. He should suffer because he made me suffer. ANd that asshole still owes me money.

Time and time again I've said to myself just go up to him when he's with his new girlfriend (mind you I'm way better looking than she is) and demand my money back. I mean he got himself a car so why can't he pay me back my money. But... I can't. I couldn't do that. It's not that I pity the asshole (Hell! he deserves all the shit that the world can heap on him-Geez what did I see in him in the first place?!) but more so I pity the girl. She doesn't deserve to be hurt.

But then again I might be doing her a favour by exposing what a prick her boyfriend really is. And not just a prick but a money sucking leech. In due time he'll suck her dry.

So how?

Dilemma... dilemma... dilemma

I really need help here... please... anybody?

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Wedding Jitters...

It's unbelievable but one of my closest and smartest friend during high school is actually getting married this weekend! Are we really in marriageable age already? But I'm only 22. Hold on a minute... I'm 22?!! That means I'll be 23 in a couple of months!! AAAaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! I'm OLD!!!!!

No wonder people say ignorance is bliss. Living in a state of denial is definitely the best way for anyone to live happily. I mean look at me. I was fine until one day I received an sms saying "Shan... I'm getting married by the end of this month." What the @*#$!!

Anyhows, I gotta come to terms with my own penuaan. I'm already graduating for god's sake!! Next thing I know I'll be married with two kids and probably still living in a state of denial. I'd probably say that the kids weren't even mine. They popped up out of nowhere.

The idea of marriage is not so scary but the idea of all that responsibility does. I don't think I'm ready yet to commit myself to that. Thank god that Matt is not dreaming of me getting pregnant unlike a certain person we know...:P I have dreams to achieve and people to meet. Marriage can still wait a little longer.

BUt you know what they say... sometimes its those people who do not want to commit will be the first to tie the knot. Great example... Adry. She's already entertaining ideas about getting engaged by the end of this year. Of all people Adry. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her but it's quite sudden. Quite shocking really. Anyways, I just wish the best for her in everything that she does.

As for me... I'll just take my own sweet time thank you!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I know that my blogs have been rather depressing lately and to top it off I just haven't had the mood to update. Not that I want to but because my heart isn't up to it.

The only highlight of my life right now is Matt and the idea that soon I'll be leaving this dreaded place. A place where life started out good and sweet but then pain and depresssion lurking around every corner pounced to leaving its mark upon you.

Still... I'm trying to think positive. Who knows that within the limited time that I have now things might turn around. All I ask is that someday this issue which have been bugging me will someday be settled. Until the issue end then shall my life no longer be a lie. No longer a mask to the world that deep inside I'm much more vulnerable than I seem to to be.

And I'm happy to see those that I care about being happy. I just someday these people will understand why I feel this way.

Just another few months to go and I'm out of here. Away to start over a new life. To turn over a new leaf.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Dealing with pain...

People say it takes time for the pain to go away. Time will heal everything. Well... sometimes people can be wrong.

Some might say that I should probably let it go already. This thing happened ages ago. But as long as this issue remains unsettled that is how long the wound shall remain bleeding.

Now the world is a stage and I am the actor. My life is full of half-truths. On the surface I may portray Shan... but deep inside I'm just a quivering mass of emotions.

Please God. Ease my pain...

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Friday, January 21, 2005

Perfect World
by Simple Plan

I never could've seen this far
I never could've seen this coming
It seems like my world's falling apart, Yeah
Why is everything so hard
I don't think that I can deal with the things you said
It just won’t go away

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You'd still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I used to think that I was strong
Until the day it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through, Yeah
I wish that I could bring you back
I wish that I could turn back time
Cuz I can't let go
I just can't find my way, Yeah
Without you I just can't find my way


I don’t know what I should do now
I don’t know where I should go
I’m still here waiting for you
I’m lost when you’re not around
I need to hold on to you
I just can’t let you go

Yeah 2x

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all
You feel nothing
Nothing at all 2x

Thursday, January 20, 2005

The BIG LOVE test...

CRAZY ONE. You need crazy partners. You dont mind if he/she takes alcohol or drugs or smokes (I mind!) he is not allowed to be boring. Open-Minded for everything our partner should spent much time with you. Your partner shall be spontaneous and love danger. It is not that important if she/he is rich or if he/she cuts his nails she/he must follow you .You take the domination over the relationship, you decide most of the times where to go. If the sex is not goodyou quit the relationship (Hell Yeah!). For you it is better to leave than to see your love restrained.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need?

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Happy Hols everyone

I ask Allah to
Make Us Happy,
Make Us Smile,
Guide Us Safely,
Thru Every Mile
Grant Us Wealth
And Most of All...Strengthen Our Iman..
& Grant us Paradise ... Amin

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha everyone... Maaf Zahir Batin and Happy Hols too!

Monday, January 10, 2005

For you all

Sometimes dreams are better off not real.
Old yearnings drain away through open gates.
Regretfully I tell you how I feel,
Returning us to former states,
Yet with wounds that time will have to heal.


There's no understanding what you did,
Or why, or what I now should think or do:
No way to see what my last sorrow hid.

What unimaginable agony amid
Our ordinary lives unraveled you?
There's no understanding what you did,

No way for you to tell me why you rid
Yourself of me, and . . . why?
No way to see what my last sorrow hid.

Or was it you were just spoiled,
Trying to make me all feel bad for you?
There's no understanding what you did,

Whether mere curiosity had bid
You to sneak ahead a lethal view;
No way to see what my last sorrow hid,

Nor penetrate that awful, granite lid
That lies between our thoughts and what is true.
There's no understanding what you did,
No way to see what my last sorrow hid.


I would not be the sun to end your night,
Nor would I be the wall to turn your tears.
But I will watch with you until it's light.

Because there are no words to set things right
Nor hopes that one immersed in mourning hears,
I would not be the sun to end your night,

Offering a wisdom far too bright
To soothe your pain or put to rest your fears.
But I will watch with you until it's light.

There must be time to grieve that sorrow might
Be equal to the love of days and years.
I would not be the sun to end your night.

For grief, before it breaks, must reach its height,
And tides must turn before one homeward steers.
But I will watch with you until it's light.

There are agonies no friendship can requite,
A bitterness unstained till dawn appears.
I would not be the sun to end your night.
But I will watch with you until it's light.

Saturday, January 08, 2005


A sweet blissful day

Thursday, January 06, 2005


where once was light
Now darkness falls
where once was love
love is no more
don't say goodbye...
don't say I didn't try

these tears I cry
are falling rain
for all the lies you told me
the hurt the blame
and I will weep to be so alone
I can never go home

and in the end
I'll be what I will be
no loyal friend was ever there for me
now I say goodbye
I say you didn't try

(Adapted from Gollum's song-LOTR soundtrack)

Sunday, January 02, 2005


I don't know why but recently I've been so MALAS to blog. Even now actually. And to think that I'm missing out on expressing my views on a lot of stuff like the Tsunami, the PM cancelling out on the New Year bas (which I think is a splendid idea), the ELC agm and not to mention the NEW YEAR (Happy new year everyone!).But I just couldn't bring myself to sit in front of the monitor and type.

There has been some stuff happening in the past week that really brought me. Shit that don't usually happen to me and when it does I just feel like crawling under a rock and fossilize. Even thinking about it makes me cringe. Now this is what happens when you have an ego bigger than the grand canyon. I hope that the day will come when I can look back on the incident without cringing and actually gain something from it. Now I just wanna die of humiliation and embarassment.

Yeah I sound selfish at the mo considering that there's thousand of people out there wh just lost their family in the tsunami and I really feel bad about it. In fact my sis was in Penang when the tsunami hit and thank god that nothing happened to her. I guess what I'm writing right now would definitely have a different note to it if something did happen to her.

See... that's the problem with most of us. When something bad happens to other people we symphatize and try to help out as much as we could but I don't think we really understand to what extent the tragedy really is. So we live on with our lives and somewhat feel indifferent with what is going on. But I'm glad to see students participating in the tsunami relief unit. Nina will be going on Monday and in a way I envy her. She's actually doing something about while here I am a parody of what I myself has just written. It's no use giving excuses because it's all in a matter of principle of will.

Accordint to some these are just minor signs that the END is near. In a way I have to agree. This year alone Malaysia has gone through so many obstacles. The Bird Flu, the Tsunami, and the floods in Kelantan just to name a few. In fact I received a sms from a friend which shows that tsunami is actually an acronym for Tuhan Suka Uji Namun Ada Masih Ingkar. After getting that message I really sat down and think.

So now is just a matter of whether I have the will to change or not. On whether I want to change or not. I wish all the best to all the people out there who have started on their New Year's resolution. I pray fr strength for everyone to carry through what they mean to do.

p.s. On a more happier note, I finally got myself a new phone. Nothing fancy but cool enough for my very 1st adult looking phone.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

When you're hurting...

Sometimes you just don't realise how much something or someone has hurt you until one day you look back and all of a sudden the hurt and the pain all comes back in one big wave and you're left all vulnerable again.

When that happens you just can't help but feel helpless and betrayed. Sadness overwhelms you and you start to question why did it have to happen in the first place. Why weren't you given a second chance like other people. But most of all you question why must it happen to you fro the people that you trusted most. People that you depended on. People that you love.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. If only I stayed away from what was blatantly obvious. I was just looking for trouble. I knew what would've happened if I entered into forein grounds without a clue of what lays in front of me. So because of that I'm hurting again.

So WHO can you count on? WHO can you trust? On WHOM should I depend?

This is a poem written by Kaled which somewhat summerises what I feel. I hope you don't mind Kaled. I really like your work!

by Khaled Redza

i'm just wondering to myself
why would i be remembering
all the things that i don't want to remember?

i'm just looking over my past
and saw myself as incompetent person
unfriendly and can't be trusted.
is it a sin?

i felt like a jerk
i want to shout to the world
how jerk i am
but i felt loss of words already
when i asked myself again,
"how do i know that i am a jerk?"

i just want to hate myself
for what i am
but then again,
who's gonna love me if i hate myself?

with all the burden in my mind
it's a wonder that
i can still survive the night
maybe it's not my time yet
but, who knows?

people can hate me
people can despise me
people can spit on me
people can curse me
people can isolate me

i'm not in a desperate mood to have a company anyway....
do all you like, whatever and whenever...

as long as you don't break my golden rule...



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