Sunday, February 27, 2005

Off center?

Last night I was enlightened by someone that a certain of mine could actually be suffering from extreme depression or better known as manic depression. Since the play 'Off Centre" that we were studying in class was about 'off centre' people so naturally the guy started to talk about the symptoms that one who suffered from this illness have. And suprisingly this friend of mine do portray most of the symptoms. And what struck me the most then was when the guy said that sometimes these people don't even realise that they suffer from the illness.

Damn! Quite scary huh? Sometimes I wonder whether I portray these symptoms too without me realising it. What I do know is that I have the tendency to talk to myself sometimes :P Yes... what a lonely and pityful life I lead. But I find talking to myself clears my head and it makes me think straight. Does that make me 'off centre'? Hmmm...

Neways today is the day of the date and I'm excited. So excited that I decided to some to work early but to find that Dr. Nora is on MC. So now I have to find time to kill time till 12. I can't stay here since I'm not doing anything. I'm mostly doing secretarial job nowadays since I'm done with Quality Quest. Maybe I'll go to the library and use the computers there. I hate wasting time but what to do. Malas nak ulang alik to my room.

There'll be a Study in Canada Fair on the 6th and 7th. I'm gonna check it out. It'll be cool to study in Canada. I really wanna have the experience of actually studying abroad. My childhood experiences don't count since I only followed my dad. If I get to go then it'll be an experience all on my own. That is so exciting!

Neways I have to ciao now. Don't want them to think that I'm yaking advantage of my position as a research assistant to misuse the office's net connection.

Friday, February 25, 2005

The beauty of it all...

I've always liked Friday prayers although I don't go to them myself but I find myself enjoying the time during Friday prayers. Why?... for one thing the guys are so smartly dressed that it's just so hard to actually look away. Now would be the time when 'sampins' and 'songkets' all come out. Baju Melayu, jubah, kopiah, ties all being smartly clad by guys although you still have to put up with an eyesore or two with guys wearing complete rubbish to prayers. What the hell were they thinking wearing imprints of marijuana and words saying 'I'm a sex freak' to prayers. All I can say to that is Boy... you're dumb. You're supposed to salute God in that!

ANother reason why I like Friday prayers so much is that it brings out all sorts of people together. Walking past the Masjid during Friday Prayers is so cool. You'd get to see all sorts of nationality jumbled up togther and all sorts of national costumes in varying degrees of colours all moving in unison. It looks so peaceful but strong in a way. United. If only all Muslims were that way. The Masjid was definitely jam packed and there were people who were praying on the pavement outside the mosque. You pity them but somehow you salute them for actually doing it. No matter how late they are they still went for prayers. Gotta give them credit at least for that. There's still people who were openly not going to Friday Prayers.

Come on la People! It's like once a week. If you're like unwilling to hear the sermons just at least go for the prayers. You guys have that privilege. We women don't. There were guys just now who were still loitering around HS square even though the prayers have long started. Tak tahu Malu ke? Sedih! Sedih! What's even sadder is that they were Malays. Such an embarassment to the race.

Another reason why I love Friday prayers is that everything seems to be peaceful for a while coz all the guys are in the Masjid. Suddenly we have HS to ourselves and we can lepak however we want. I always feel that the world becomes quieter somehow and at times I wish that the prayers would be longer. Not that I don't like the guy's company but yeah... it'd be nice if they'd just leave for an hour or two so that us girls can enjoy.

Neways just got out from an interesting talk by Frank Lim this theatre guy and I am now definitely contemplating to stage Haresh Sharma's 'Off Centre'. That Play is so cool. I already have in mind what I wanna do with te sets and costumes and I already can picture several people playing parts already. All I need now is money! MONEY! MONEY!

I envy Singaporeans who get so much grants for arts. But then it's true what that guy said. Singapore is a country which is the size of a pinhead on the world's map so they can afford to support the arts. Not like Malaysia.

Takpe... takpe... I'll be the new revolutionary theater activist in Malaysia and someday I will conquer the theatre industry and then the world. MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Thursday, February 24, 2005

What a week!

Life has been pretty uneventful lately. So uneventful that all I can do right now to while away the boredom is stuff myself. I feel like a pig. I really have got to do something with my weight. I AM FAT!!!! Not only that I have to getrashes on my legs too. It probably wouldn't be so bad if it didn't itch all the time and spread faster if I scratched it. AAARRRGGGHHH!! Why?Why?WHY??

Yeah I know I sound like a complaining, whining bitch but what the heck . Since life is so boring right now at least I could derive some pleasure moaning about the pains in my life. Neway me got to go. Meeting the love of my life for our routine dinner every Tuesday and Thursday. As much as I love him and all but the routine that we have has now become too... routine.

Can't wait for our date on Saturday.

Friday, February 18, 2005

We definitely need to work on our attitudes.

Finally a section for semantics is opened but somehow it clashes with my arabic listening. So I had to drop Arabic and now I can't get into another section since it's friggin full. I had to reserve but I have a feeling I have to do it manually anyways during sem 3. This really sucks. I hate UIA. I can't wait to graduate.

Last night was the final staging of 'Hungry' in UIA and I guess it was quite a success. Although it did not rival the success of Midsummer (1st staging) but they definitely came close (Nak menang jugak :P). Again I must say that I'm impressed with their creativity. That is one aspect that I dont think that I can rival. But sad to say that some actors became a bit overconfident a little too soon and their performance last night was not as impressive as the night before but all in all it was still a fun play to watch.

I had fun too since I got more time to do the makeup and need not rush through the whole thing. So most of them look better (or should I say horrible) and scarier than before. I'm especially proud of my makeup of Mug the monk. It was fun pouring 'sirap' all over his face. Fierah said that they had an offer to perform in UUM, all I can say to that is GO FOR IT! Although sadly I may not be around to actually help out anymore. UIA's theater scene has definitely taken a turn for the better. So watch out Malaysia! Here comes UIA's theater troupe. WooHoo!

Though I must say that management definitely needs to be a little bit more 'organised'. I know that somebody might say "Eleh, she's Matt's girlfriend so mesti she's been fed all this story by him." Well BULLSHIT to that. This is my own personal observation so if anybody have a problem with it come to me straight and don't aim it at anyone else but me. I have my own brains.

I just think that the director and the producer should at least learn to express gratitude to those who actually helped out although they're not directly in the committee. These people are helping out because they want to and because friends are involved. So it shouldn't be too hard for the director to actually come down from that 'high place' and say thanks now would it? Azreen and I helped out for the makeup and for me the gratitude and expressed by the cast and the other crews was the best thing that I could receive during the two nights. But I feel unwelcomed when the director totally ignores my presence and not even mutter a reluctant thanks afterwards. Although I have to thank Fierah for making me feel like a part of the team. Thanks a bunch Fie!!

I dunno... I have to admit that I miss being part of the action of a production. I miss feeling the pressure of opening night and the anxiety whether the audience would like the play. Kaled mentioned that he's gonna produce in sem 3. I'm already in it. Maybe acting maybe backstage but definitely a part of the team. Can't wait for that. I'll definitely miss being in uni. Saying that the idea of graduating feels so depressing. Ack! I don't wanna think about it. I'm confused!

Anyways... now I hafta overcome this laziness of mine and actually get started on my long overdue assignment of World lit. DEADLINE IS MONDAY! AAARRRGGGHHH! Why am I so malas?

Thursday, February 17, 2005


I've been wasting my credit(well... not exactly wasting since it is for my education) since yesterday trying to find people who shares the same predicament as I am due to UIA and its friggin rules. You wanna know what predicament I'm in? Nothing disciplinary mind you but who knows maybe I'd just break a rule (yeah as if I havent done that before) just to be called in to Stadd. Build up my rep a bit. :)

But anyways back to my predicament. I'm supposed to be graduating in sem 3 and to do that I hafta complete 2 more subject which is arabic listening and semantics. Please don't ask me why I didn't take semantics earlier coz I've been getting that question all day and I'm sick of it. I didn't take it because... it didn't fit into my schedule. DUH! So the big prob was SEMANTICS was not offered. NO! I don't wanna waste another semester here just because of semantics.

What to do? what to do? what to do? Pre REG was at 5 and I hafta settle everything by then. Meet Subra, find and rally people to take semantics, persuade the department to open up a section. Now I wish that I was Wonder Woman or something. It's a drag that I end up sleepy every night by 10.30pm out of exhaustion. I hafta get my work done.

Luckily God still loves me. I remembered that a senior of mine wanted to take semantics so at least I'm not alone. Then she told me that her friend wanted to semantics too. Hope is rising steadily! Then Kaled said he wanted to take semantics too and so did Azanee. So now I have enough ammo to actually persuade (force is more like it) to open up a section. I just hope that wecan gather more people who'd actually make the group a little larger. I'm worried that they might close the section again.

So after all that worrying, discussion, rallying, going up and down the department everything is settled. Dr. Umar promised that he'll settle everything with Stadd and I hafta check out tommorrow whether the section is opened. Yey!! Oh and Thanks Sheens for registering for me. Love ya. Looking forward to Arabic listening with ya!

Now I'm just slightly nervous about Hungry Ghost makeup. Last time we just did it in a whole lotta rush. I knew some makeup sucked but I hope this time I can do better. I already did some sketches so I hope I just get enough time to do them. I'm so proud of my stranger. He looks so good on stage. He's so YUMMY!

However I was impressed with the whole presentation of the play. It was really good. Even I couldn't come up with an idea like that. Thumbs up for all involved. Anyways have to rush back. Need to start on my world lit assignment. Ack... AGONY!!!!

Monday, February 07, 2005

Boss woes...

I just got my first taste of being given a critical evaluation by a noss. Aaarggghhh. Never thought that it'd happen so soon.

There I was chatting away with Dr. Nora and Mei when Jeng... Jeng... Jeng! HE suddenly came in. I have never spoken to him before other than that initial introduction so you could guess how nervous I was. I mean COME ON! The BIG BOSS is right there with me.

Everything was fine until he spotted the first draft of QQ9. Oh No! Alamak. Why la of all times he decides to join in for a chat he had to pick a time when we were going through the QQ9.

Then it started... why this? why that? what's this? what's that? You shouldn't do this.... it should be like that... bla bla bla bla bla. No matter what I SAY IT'S JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH! (scream!) I felt like a dwarf being scolded for not being short enough.

So that's what working world is really like. hmm...

IF my real self were to surface at that time I'd be saying things like... "Hello! Why does this thing be so boring? You people don't have a life is it? A simple mind game pun takleh. What lah!" But thank god I kept my mouth shut. If not I'll probably be waving goodbye to QAU by now.

Anyways... just wanna wish happy new year to Chinese everywhere. and Happy Hols to all UIA-ans. As for me I'll be headed to dullsville aka Manal, Tanah Merah Kelantan. There's nothing to do there!! Bosan!! I can't live without Astro! Waaaaaa!!!!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Ruining everything....

So he wants his space? Fine then I'll give it to him. But I hate this. I hate the fact there's matters that went unresolved between us. I hate the fact that its me, myself who is doing things that is ruining this relationship.

Why? Why does it always happen like this? I know that I am so in love with this guy and yet I pick on the most trivial of matters and enlarge it until it becomes an issue on which my whole life depends on. I was told that if two people who were in love spend so much time with each other probems would usually arise from things that people usually don't think twice about. And that is exactly what's happening between us. And most of the time I'd be the one who'd nitpick. Finding faults and starting arguments.

Know the saying "the past shall come back and haunt you"? That's exactly the case here. My past is still haunting me. Making me feel scared. Vulnerable. Ashamed. You can never erase your past. It'll be there always to remind you of all the things that you're definitely want to forget. And just when you thought that you have finally put your past to rest it resurfaces, opening up old wounds, releasing all the emotions that you never ever want to feel again.

My tears are my constant companion nowadays. Releasing in me my desperateness, my pain, my fears. I know that no one could possibly understand how I feel. Maybe I'm destined to be a loner. Forever wandering, searching for someone who could reach out and hold my hand. But when I do grasp a hand I know that my inner demons would make me hold back and finally let go of the hand which is ready to offer me salvation.

But luckily God is merciful. He still loves me. I have noticed that even during my times of despair there would be little things happening around me that would lift my spirits and give me a flicker of hope. In tonight's case... it came in the form of my favourite animal. The cat. A beautiful stray cat which I took care of last semester but moved on when a new owner offered him better food than I did. He came back to me today. He's still here right now, keeping me company. A strange coincidence perhaps but a very welcomed one.

Right now all I ask of God is to give me strength to battle my inner demons and give him patience to bear with me a while longer. Give me time to sort out all the mess that's inside my head. And I thank God for giving me someone that could bear with me and putting up with all the shit that I'm putting him through. I also ask God to give me strength for today I shall reveal to him something that I've been hiding all this while. Something that I've been desperately trying to forget. I just hope that by revealing it he'll finally understand all the things that I'm going through right now.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


I'm supposed to be in class right now but what the heck. I just don't feel like going today. Editing is interesting but with the wrong lecturer... erk!

It's kinda nice playing hooky once in a while (once in a while for me would be like-every other day:P). I'm getting kinda fed up with all this routineness. Get up... class... work... and back again. Urgh! Why lah something exciting don't happen to me!

Checked out Hungry Ghost rehearsals last nite. I must say that I've seen better management before. A friend of mine mentioned that some people are born actors while others are born managers (backstage, producer, office... and so on, so forth). Well... let's just say that I don't think the director is not a manager. I could be wrong since I only went to the rehearsals once but then again I think any experienced theatre enthusiast would probably agree with me. But to stick to my new motto 'Being POSITIVE', who knows maybe they'll buck up and give a fantastic show this coming Valentines although I have a teeny bit of doubt (Hey-I'm trying okay!) And although its cool to work with your friend because they're people who you're comfy with but professionalism should always be put in perspective here. Differentiate work from play and things will definitely look better. Anyways I just wanna say GAMBATE! to the crew and can't wait the performance.

During the rehearsal itself I saw more evidence on why most men are jerks (and this includes the love of my life too-at times). Why can't guys just treat us girls with a little more respect. And GIRLS... PLEASE... show yourself a little respect too. If you see yourself with a guy who hits on your best friend then dump him. He's definitely not worth the time and the effort. Every girl definitely deserve far better than an asshole like that (Especially if he's a downright weirdo who carries an umbrella around all the time like a walking stick). This jerkness is like innate. It happened so far back in history that somehow I think there's just no hope for MAN-kind anymore. It's even apparent in the epic of Ramayana & Sita which is the oldest surviving book in the entire world. Men is so boggling sometimes. No wonder Sheena actually turned prop-feminist. In a way I think she's probably doing the right thing.

But still... no matter how much you hate them, you just can't run away from them. As the saying goes 'can't live with them, can't live without them.'


Have you ever loved someone up to a point where it hurts?

Have you ever loved someone up to a point that it becomes scary because now your whole life centers around that person. Now you're afraid that you'd do something that might take away this someone. Or you're scared that someday the person might look at you and say that maybe the relationship was meant to be.

People say never ever let your heart be dominated by a love towards another. But how can you control your heart? You may be able to control your feelings but if the feelings are there all you can do is deal with it.

Right now I am in love with this fantastic guy. Someone who I never thought I could possibly be with. He's smart, sweet, intelligent, caring... everything a girl could possibly wish for and yet I am scared. I fear that someday I will be hurt again by this guy to whom I have given my heart to.

I know I should be happy. I should embrace the fact that I finally have found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. In a way I am. But deep down inmy heart the fear lurks. And it surfaces every now and then. And its during those times that trouble usually happens. Sometimes I feel as though I welcome ttrouble. Sometimes this sick person inside of me just cherishes the idea that its better if I hurt him rather then he hurting me.

I have come to depend on him. Emotionally. Physically. And again that scares me. I have always prided myself on being independant. And when this person comes along it feels nice to lean back and relax but the idea of letting my guard down is another terrifying matter. I am so scared to actually let him in.

And yet this contadictory part inside me knows that without him my life is worthless. And that part of me will die out leaving me an empty shell.

Is this what love does to you? To be emotionally unbalanced that your mind spins and your life passing by in just a blur.

I am so much in love... that I cannot deny. My heart belongs to him and it'll probably stay that way until the day I die.

I love you Mohamad Ezamir Azral.

I love you
because the Earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm

Nikki Giovanni (1943– )


Related Posts with Thumbnails