Friday, July 30, 2004

Still being punished?

Whew... my hectic days are over and yet I still havent fully recovered from the effects. I'm still tired, still lazy to actually get back into gear to start school work and also very lazy to start doing my part time job again. So much work that I need to catch up on! At least when I was busy I had a reason to say why my work is so 'ketinggalan' but now no reason but just plain MALAS! God, give me strength.

The after effect of my busy days was not only the lethargy, the surreal feeling that its over and also the laziness but there's also this hollow feeling. I hate this feeling because it can just suck every other feeling from you leaving you void and empty which usually gives way to depression. How did I end up getting this feeling? Let's just say it was through a realisation that somehow I'm still being punished by people I care about for actions that I myself was not made aware of until it was too late. Admittedly I was wrong through and through but I was kind of hoping that somehow I wouldn't be punished this way-through abandonment. All I ask for was support but somehow I lost that too. It was something that I didn't expect when I scanned the crowd for familiar faces and yet I see none. It saddens me but I am helpless to do anything for it was of my doing that brought it on. What little hope I had that somehow things may be as it used to be now grows smaller and smaller. Maybe things will never be the same again. Somehow I must learn to gather my own strength and learn to be on my own. Depend on myself and achieve through my own wit and cunning. It wouldn't be easy but I have to try.

Still, I thank God for giving me something else in return. Another type of support that until today I never thought that I'd get so soon or ever. I was ready to live my life on my own but God is fair although life itself is not so fair. Without him I'd probably be a bitter person right now. I'd probably be blaming myself and others for not understanding my plight but with him around I feel that those things doesn't matter after all and perhaps in due time my friends will understand. Hope is diminishing but it has not disappeared yet.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

F**K You cheaters!!

What's with you people and cheating? Why do you guys have to put so much grief on other people by playing with their hearts? Why can't you people just make up your minds and save everyone the grief? Why do you guys have to cheat?

Maybe some of you are pondering why with the sudden enraged rantings. Well... that is how I am. I'm enraged. I'm mad. A friend of  mine has just become a victim of infidelity today. What's even worse it was done by another close friend of mine who should've known better. Now, I feel pissed at the guy as well as torn between my loyalty to the girlfriend and the boyfriend. I can never deny that sometimes a relationship can turn sour and not work out but I wholeheartedly disagree on anyone using that excuse to cheat on another person. Why can't people just get to grips about yoiur failing relationship and just end it and not put more salt on a wound by going out with someone else without ending the first one.


Cheaters are assholes and do not deserve any respect. I am not saying this because I'm enraged on behalf of my friend but I'm writing this because I know how it feels to be cheated. I've had experience wioth these things. Although the pain may not be as deep as how others would feel but the effect is rather permanent. The effect is distrust. You just can't help but doubt the words of thers especially those who want to be with you. I should know because that's what I'm going through right now. And believe me it is definitely unfair towards those who are sincere and wants to be with you. But because of cheaters they are punished.


So i implore all of you. Don't cheat!

Relationship? I'm in a relationship?

Can you believe it? I'm in a relationship. Yep... finally. After nearly two years of swinging single I actually found a guy who convinced me that maybe going double is not so bad after all. At one point I became rather cynical of this whole dating and relationship thing. There wasn't anyone out there who actually managed to get my attention (minus one or two crushes) so basically my dating life was a desert. Pathetic huh! Well... it doesn't help that my social life itself kinda revolves in UIA alone as my cynical side told me to concentrate on my upcoming career. And when it comes to guys, UIA is a barren wasteland. Until now...

Sometimes when you're searching for something you'd always find it in the least expected place, a place where you'd never thought of looking at all. And when you find it it's even better than what you wanted and was searching for originally. I think this is how it is with this guy and I. In normal circumstances I probably wouldn't look twice at him let alone date him. He is SO not my type. I usually go for guys that have the strong and silent look. Someone with a deep, thoughtful expression and don't usually say much. But this guy is total opposite of what I want. He's loud, very expressive and has a lot to say. So how did I end up with him? God knows?! But let's just say that he 'caught' me. Quite a feat for a guy as I'm famous for my independance and stubbornness. Quite a feat a feat indeed for he is also younger than I am. He had all this obstacles stacked up against him and yet he still 'caught' me.

But then doubt will always unnerve you. It'll make you uncertain and you just can't trust. It's wrong I know but I can't shake it off. Experience has taught me to be wary and now I fear that this wariness and doubt  might somehow spoil everything. Although I'm happy being with him and hanging out with him I just can't bring myself to trust him. I question his every word and his every action. I feel sorry for him sometimes. He knows of my uncertainties and my doubts but somehow he's still around. He still cares. So I thank god for making him a persistent person. This doubt of mine will probably take a while to disappear but I seriously hope that it does disappear and soon. Being in a relationship means trusting one another thus it really unfair for him to be in a relationship where there's so much doubt.

Still... life for me has taken a turn for the better. Now at the end of the day I always have something to look forward to and someone that I can lean on to help me ease my worries. Geez... I've gone all mushy now :P Oh well... love works wonders on everyone.

Monday, July 19, 2004

What happened?

Aaarrgghhh... can you believe it al my hard work gone down the drain just like that!? What the **** happened? I had already modified my blogpage to be just right when suddenly it's all gone! Imagine my despair, my pain, my sorrow. *sigh* Now I have to start all over again and it couldn't have come at a worser time. My life is now at hyper speed where every single second of my day must be accounted for and must not be wasted. I NEED more time! Last week I was juggling ETW as well as rehearsals for PTS not to mention my studies. This week I have to juggle PTS rehearsals, my studies, a presentation, a quiz and (perhaps this is less of a burden) a new love life :P I'll elaborate more about that later. Anyways, I dunno when my page will be up and running like it was before but I'm pretty sure that it wont be anytime soon since time is the only thing that I don't have much of. Maybe during the upcoming holidays.  To everyone who tried to enter my domain I'm really sorry and I promise you that it'll soon be back to its former splendour :)

Friday, July 02, 2004

Weird analogy!

I just got this emailed to me and I somehow feel that this analogy is rather true especially for girls. Sometimes we do tend to look too much in something that we want that in the end we miss the bigger picture because the deatils takes too much of our focus. For those who don't understand malay... I'll see whether I'm rajin enough in the future to actually translate the whole thing in English :P

Tentang Cinta

This is funny but may be true.......
Tahu tak, cinta sebenarnya sama seperti seseorang yg menunggu bas.

Bila bas tu datang, awak nengok bas tu dan awak kata pada diri awak, "Eee...penuhnya...tak de tempat duduk." Jadik, awak katakan pada diri awak, "Saya akan tunggu bas yg lain." Awak pun biarkan bas tu berlalu dan awak tunggu pulak bas yg lain.

Kemudian, datang pulak bas yg kedua.
Awak nengok bas tu dan awak akan cakap, "Eee...bas ni buruk sgt... mesti tak selesa. Dan mungkin bas ni akan rosak kat tengah jalan." Jadi, awak pun biarkan bas buruk tu berlalu dan awak bercadang untuk tunggu bas yang seterusnya.

Setelah beberapa ketika, datang lagi sebuah bas.
Bas yg datang tu kosong, tak penuh dan tak seburuk bas yg tadi tapi kali ni awak kata, "Emmm... tak de air-cond...cuaca pulak panas. Lebih baik saya tunggu bas yg lain." Dan sekali lagi awak biarkan bas tu berlalu dan awak bercadang utk menanti bas yg seterusnya.

Tiba-tiba awan mula gelap, cuaca semakin mendung dan baru awak perasan yg awak pula dah terlambat rupanya. Awak mula panik dan terus naik bas yg datang ketika itu, walaupun bas itu tak sebegitu sempurna.

Dan kemudian barulah awak sedar bahawa...awak dah naik bas yg salah. Jadi, selama ni awak dah membazir banyak masa dan wang untuk menunggu apa yg awak nak.

pastikan bahawa bas tu tak akan rosak di tengah jalan atau mungkin bas tu tak terlalu sejuk untuk awak?

Jadik, mengingini apa yg awak idamkan tu memang tak salah. Tapi, tak salah juga kalau anda sanggup memberi satu peluang pada orang lain, kan?

Sekiranya awak dapati "bas" itu tak sesuai dengan awak, apa yg perlu awak lakukan hanya tekan loceng dan turun daripada bas tu.

Tapi...saya pasti awak semua tentu ada pengalaman yg macam ni. Awak nampak sebuah bas datang (tentulah bas yg awak nanti-nanti kan), awak tahan bas tu tapi pemandu bas tu pulak buat tak faham dan pura-pura buat tak nampak awak dan terus berlalu tinggalkan awak!

....Bila ada bas yang lalu melintasi saya macam tu, apa yang saya lakukan ialah BERJALAN!

Bodoh sebenarnya untuk mengejar bas tu sebab setiap kali, awak akan terjatuh dan menyakiti diri awak sendiri.

Jadi, bercinta tu adalah ibarat menunggu bas, sama ada awak nak naik dan beri peluang pada bas tu...semuanya terpulang pada diri awak.

Dan bila awak berjalan, awak sebenarnya cuba melarikan diri daripada cinta!

Analogy by:
~ibnu yaman al-kurawi

Thursday, July 01, 2004


I know I shouldn't feel overjoyed and should maintain my cool but its hard for a passionate and emotional creature like me to keep cool. I am happy and overjoyed and I'll show it! Why am I feeling this way?It's because I've been asked OUT! YEY! Now don't begrudge me for my happiness! I know it's not such a big deal but for someone who is as picky as I am and who hasn't found the right guy to go out with for the past 1 year this is something major for me. And it's even a bigger bonus that the guy asking me out is quite a hottie! It's usually a guy that I'm never attracted to at all who would ask me out. But this time I've kinda hit gold!!

Ironically this guy is also younger than I am. (What is it with me and younger men?) He's the same age as the guy on whom I have a crush on. What's even more ironic is that they're friends. Not close friends but friendly enough to make me feel confused and somewhat guilty. Confused because I don't know what to do with the both of them and guilty because my crush already knows that I have a crush on him so it'll be weird if I suddenly go out with one of his friends. But a date with Matt is too much to resist! Not only is he kinda cute in a tall dark and handsome way but he has mental substance-a quality that I value highly in guys. He's also a gentleman-something that you dont find often these days especially in malay guys.

Most people would say that I shouyld just ditch my crush and go out with the other guy but then... I still have my ethics and my ego to think about. I dont want him thinking that I'm a player or something. Argh what to do!?!


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