Sunday, June 26, 2005

Living alone

I've never been one to enjoy being alone. Well... at least not for a long period of time. Sure I enjoy the moments on my own to reflect aboout life and to rest and gather up my strength. But what I'm doing now... purposely putting myself in a situation which I have no one to talk to, no one I can go to in case I feel lonely and no one to call me up to see coz they're a whole state away, is totally out of my character.

My biggest fear... is being alone. I'm not afraid of the dark or scary spirits (though I dont go provoking them either). What I fear the most is the fact that I come back to a place where it is void of other beings. No laughter, no small talks, no shouting. Just the sound of my own breathing. I guess my being here on campus when all other souls are at home was my challenge, my need to confront my fears and learn that being alone was not as bad as it seems.

The first night was the hardest. Nobody was around and I guess the silence just got to me. I cried like a pathetic lonely bitch that I am. It was horrible but thank God for Alexander Graham Bell. If it weren't for the handphone I'd probably would have cried myself to death. The weekend was the only thing that kept me going. It was my escape from being alone. My escape from the opressive silence.

But its getting easier. Just hafta know how to kill time. Work helps... games help and thank GOD anis left her computer. I am so starved for human interaction that the mere sight of another person around me soothes me. Everytime I feel the pressure of being alone I open the front door and look for signs that there's other girls going through the same loneliness. Even the sight of another room with it's lights turned on calms me.

Phobias are a bitch and one way or another you hafta fight it. I'm fighting a battle now but I wonder if I'll ever win this war that rages on within myself. The war of loneliness.

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