Sunday, May 29, 2005

And he's back

An old flame suddenly resurfaced in my life and suddenly I find myself confused which then led me to question myself 'WHY SHOULD I BE CONFUSED?' I'm in that place in my relationship that I shouldn't be bothered with these kind of things aaaanddd the guy has never been interested in the first place. It's all me. So mengapa perasan lebih ni? But you know how the saying goes... First loves die hard *sigh*

School days were the worst for me. I hated school especially when I was in the last two years of high school. I guess that period was my first lesson in life. Shit will happen and they're merciless. Life can just drain you up to a point when you'll think what's the point of living anymore? But life works in twisted and wonderous ways. Just as much as it enjoys fucking people up it'll somehow give something to let you hold on and not give up. Sometimes you realise what they are sometimes you dont. As for me... I didn't know how much I valued the friendship of a couple of friends until now. And this guy... was one of them.

At a time when life sucks I found solace in solitude, sarcasm, a true friend and a crush. I guess these was the things that kept me sane when everything else was as chaos. To the world I was an outcast; not to be befriended because I was stupid and I excel in the one thing that I am good at. That's the Malay dilemma for you. Never wanting to see others succeed. I hated that life with every fibre of my being and to this day the feeling just grows and grows. But with this guy he wasn't just a crush but a kindred spirit. Someone who understood and was going through the same thing that I was but lucky for him he had and advantage of being MALE. Females are ruthless and they'll do anything to keep another down. Yes... I know I'm a female and I shouldn't bitch about my own sex but hey... it's the truth.

To cut things short... things didn't work out relationship-wise. In a way I'm glad... who knew what could've happened to the bond that we shared if things did work out. Love is a gift and a blessing but sometimes it'll change things for the worse. This is the guy whom I could talk to without holding back and with love in the picture he might vanish just like that. Friend like these are hard to find and you'll be lucky if you could find even a handful. They are the friend you want to keep. Friends who'll always have your back.

But having said that... I just realised. How can I be so stupid! I already have the same comraderie and friendship that I have with that guy but with the added bonus of love as well. I have it in Matt. The guy who'll listen and criticise as brutally honest as he could be. A friend and a companion. A 2 in 1 deal.

Thanks friend...

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