Monday, May 30, 2005


Never in the world would I ever want anyone to feel the sheer disappointment of being denied of somthing that one has hoped for so long. I never realised just how much I wanted something until the very instant that I found out that I have been denied of the very thing that I covet.

Wanting things is an integral part of life. You want things all the time. Food, clothes, accesories, toys and other stuff that'll make your heart complete. But sometimes there are things that you want that goes beyond mere wants and needs. It becomes your focus and an obsession.

As for me, what I wanted would change my life in a myriad of ways. BUt most of all it would help the one person that I've come to cherish aove all things in my life. My mother. All the time that I've wasted trying to rebel against her can never be returned and now all I ask is just one chance to prove myself. And yet it was denied.

I have never been good with rejection. So much hurt and pain would well up inside me whenever I encounter yet another rejection but somehow in life there are areas in which I excel and never rejected. I guess God wants me to taste the bitter pill in life by showing me that sometimes you can get too cocky.

And when you fall... you fall hard. Coping with rejection is one thing but letting others see you in that vulnerable state is definitely another. Alas... I have suffered both today.

I just know that I just can't give up. Don't give up. I have too much riding on this to just give up.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

And he's back

An old flame suddenly resurfaced in my life and suddenly I find myself confused which then led me to question myself 'WHY SHOULD I BE CONFUSED?' I'm in that place in my relationship that I shouldn't be bothered with these kind of things aaaanddd the guy has never been interested in the first place. It's all me. So mengapa perasan lebih ni? But you know how the saying goes... First loves die hard *sigh*

School days were the worst for me. I hated school especially when I was in the last two years of high school. I guess that period was my first lesson in life. Shit will happen and they're merciless. Life can just drain you up to a point when you'll think what's the point of living anymore? But life works in twisted and wonderous ways. Just as much as it enjoys fucking people up it'll somehow give something to let you hold on and not give up. Sometimes you realise what they are sometimes you dont. As for me... I didn't know how much I valued the friendship of a couple of friends until now. And this guy... was one of them.

At a time when life sucks I found solace in solitude, sarcasm, a true friend and a crush. I guess these was the things that kept me sane when everything else was as chaos. To the world I was an outcast; not to be befriended because I was stupid and I excel in the one thing that I am good at. That's the Malay dilemma for you. Never wanting to see others succeed. I hated that life with every fibre of my being and to this day the feeling just grows and grows. But with this guy he wasn't just a crush but a kindred spirit. Someone who understood and was going through the same thing that I was but lucky for him he had and advantage of being MALE. Females are ruthless and they'll do anything to keep another down. Yes... I know I'm a female and I shouldn't bitch about my own sex but hey... it's the truth.

To cut things short... things didn't work out relationship-wise. In a way I'm glad... who knew what could've happened to the bond that we shared if things did work out. Love is a gift and a blessing but sometimes it'll change things for the worse. This is the guy whom I could talk to without holding back and with love in the picture he might vanish just like that. Friend like these are hard to find and you'll be lucky if you could find even a handful. They are the friend you want to keep. Friends who'll always have your back.

But having said that... I just realised. How can I be so stupid! I already have the same comraderie and friendship that I have with that guy but with the added bonus of love as well. I have it in Matt. The guy who'll listen and criticise as brutally honest as he could be. A friend and a companion. A 2 in 1 deal.

Thanks friend...

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Dullness overcomes me...

I know I havent updated lately and trust me I've gotten several complaints about it too. So don't think that I've been let off easy about my not-so-sudden laziness to write. It's just that I want my blog to be an outlet of release where I write down my thoughts and views on certain aspect of life. I never want my blog to be nothing more than an online diary (though most people enjoy reading them-it's like a friend is willingly letting you read her diary.) So all I'm saying is that at the moment my life has been nothing but dull and monotonous.

I guess the only conflict in my life right now is what to do next and what is there to eat besides boring old UIA food. I've also found a way to fund myself through my postgrad years which would put me in further debt in say... the next 20 years. *sigh* Everything has a cost nowadays, next thing you know they'll be charging you for breathing.

So that's it... that's my pathetic life. Horrible aint it. I just wish that I had a dillema like Fynn to write about. Revenge to all the people that shunned me before in my life. It's nice but been there, done that. My sweet revenge has passed. I've proved my point. I'm not dumb! (so there you stupid MRSM snobs!) Besides I think I'm groen enough to let bygones be bygones :P

So basically the next three years of my life wont be any different than it is now. Boring...boring...boring. I just PRAY that someday I'll hit gold like Firdaus. Lucky guy... he already has a high paying job and the firm he works with is gonna fund his master's degree. AAArrRrRgGGGGhhhhh! Some people get all the luck while I'm here burdened by more and more debt.

I seriously think I should reconsider my study vs working options. *whimper*

Friday, May 20, 2005

Star Wars: Episode III

Star Wars episode III is exactly what it says it is. It's so Star Wars. No other words can describe it. All that high tech CGI and lasers nad imagination-nothing short of an A+. But if you expect good acting... bleargh!

I dont know whether I should say this with shame but I have never ever watched the old Star Wars Episode *gasp* Yeap... its true. Some may say that I come from a galaxy far, far away.

Well... I can't help it. I've never liked sci-fi. And since I'm on the subject of hating sci-fi I have to admit that I've never watched any of the Matrix trilogy either *double gasp* I think its boring *triple gasp* (Gasps are kindly contributed dramatically by Matt-a true sci-fi fan)

Back to Star Wars, I now fully embrace the Star Wars legacy and is now looking forward to watching the other episodes of Star Wars especially the original ones. I think Matt is ecstatic that he manage to convert a non-fan into a grudgingly-afraid-to-say-it fan. You know I'm seriously contemplating buying myself a light saber. They're ever so cool!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Eyes aflame with Light! Turn your eyes on ME!

Never in my life have I ever stuffed myself till I threw up. God... what was I thinking? Why did I eat so much? I feel like a pig. Just a weekend at my aunt's place and all my resolutions of actually controlling my food intake and toning down my body flew out the window. Am I that weak?

Staying in this hellhole has at least one advantage. Here I get to control what I eat since I hafta pay for it. Yes I sound like Miss Scrooge but hey... rm10 nowadays dont go far anymore. It'll probably last you three days tops. Trust me I've been through the days of utter starvation when my mom decided to teach me a lesson and decided to let me starve for being too loose with money.

But back to the issue... My one and only weakness 'FOOD'. I dont know how to control it. I'm just glad that I'm worried enough as not to stuff myself silly with food. At least I'm vain enough to not want to be called Obese. Sometimes I look at those extreme obese cases on TV and I swear to myself to do something but somehow I always lose the battle. God! Help me! What am I supposed to do.

I hate today's world of superficiality. Why must beauty conquer all? Why is it put second next to intelligence? And WHY must FAT people be considered ugly?

Friday, May 06, 2005


Just when I complain that Matt does not pay me much attention, God decided to teach me a lesson (to be grateful, of course) and sent in a guy (weirdo is more like it) who suddenly showers me too much attention for me to handle. A foreigner with dubious agendas; a)he really like Malay girls b)he wants "some" c)he's hoping for a free ticket to stay in the country.

Yesterday I was practically hunted down like a rabbit just so that he can take down my number and shower me with proclaimation of love at first sight and offers of marriage. Freaky? You got it. He told me that the minute that he saw me he knows that he wants to marry me and all because my "aura" was beautiful. Sheesh!

I supposed I should be flattered but I'm NOT. I have a BOYFRIEND. Even if I was single this guy is definitely out of the question. And what is freakier is the fact that he wouldn't back off even though I told him I was in love with someone else. Aiyoo! Headache! He even called last night to tell me that he loved me. *SCREAM* Help me!

And amidst all the running and ducking into empty classes I was stupid enough to be threatened to give my number (cowering in shame). Don't blame me! I was scared! And... he practically took my phone and made sure that the number was correct. I did give Matt's 013 number at first but he knew I was bluffing. *sigh* And this had to happen on the one day that Matt balik kampung.

I just hate the fact that I'm going round campus and looking over my back all the time to see if he is stalking me (which he did after despite me practically running from him after the whole "talk". Luckily Along Syerina was driving that day) Next time I'm gonna call him up and bring Matt along. This is a perk of having a boyfriend who works out other than the fact that he looks yummy:P

If any of you suddenly notice that I'm missing in action... Please contact Matt and lookout for a foreigner named Mustafa.

Monday, May 02, 2005

I dont know if I'm asking too much or I'm just being irrational. Is it too much for me to ask for my boyfriend to pay me a little attention once in a while when we're not together. Is it too much for me to ask for something as small as a miscall just to say that I'm still on his mind. Or have my life dwindled down to nothing and everything that happens in my life now revolves around him. Has it? What happened to me? Am I that pathetic? So devoid of everything else in life that my one and only social salvation is my boyfriend. God...

I'm just so lonely. So very lonely. Everyone have gone off their seperate ways so I'm left here alone with only one person to hold on to. I guess I have turned into a hermit. Estranged and pathetic with very few friends to call my own. No wonder I enjoy spending time in the dingy office. It has become my hiding place. A place where I can pretend that in reality I'm a loser, a nobody that no one wishes to have any connections with. There I can pretend that I'm someone important and that I can pretend that I'm actually needed for something. At least there I'm not rejected.

Rejection has been too common for me nowadays and yet I've still not learned how to handle it. I doubt that I'll ever learn. God... just give me strength. PLEASE...

Sunday, May 01, 2005



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