Still being punished?

Whew... my hectic days are over and yet I still havent fully recovered from the effects. I'm still tired, still lazy to actually get back into gear to start school work and also very lazy to start doing my part time job again. So much work that I need to catch up on! At least when I was busy I had a reason to say why my work is so 'ketinggalan' but now no reason but just plain MALAS! God, give me strength.

The after effect of my busy days was not only the lethargy, the surreal feeling that its over and also the laziness but there's also this hollow feeling. I hate this feeling because it can just suck every other feeling from you leaving you void and empty which usually gives way to depression. How did I end up getting this feeling? Let's just say it was through a realisation that somehow I'm still being punished by people I care about for actions that I myself was not made aware of until it was too late. Admittedly I was wrong through and through but I was kind of hoping that somehow I wouldn't be punished this way-through abandonment. All I ask for was support but somehow I lost that too. It was something that I didn't expect when I scanned the crowd for familiar faces and yet I see none. It saddens me but I am helpless to do anything for it was of my doing that brought it on. What little hope I had that somehow things may be as it used to be now grows smaller and smaller. Maybe things will never be the same again. Somehow I must learn to gather my own strength and learn to be on my own. Depend on myself and achieve through my own wit and cunning. It wouldn't be easy but I have to try.

Still, I thank God for giving me something else in return. Another type of support that until today I never thought that I'd get so soon or ever. I was ready to live my life on my own but God is fair although life itself is not so fair. Without him I'd probably be a bitter person right now. I'd probably be blaming myself and others for not understanding my plight but with him around I feel that those things doesn't matter after all and perhaps in due time my friends will understand. Hope is diminishing but it has not disappeared yet.

F**K You cheaters!!

What's with you people and cheating? Why do you guys have to put so much grief on other people by playing with their hearts? Why can't you people just make up your minds and save everyone the grief? Why do you guys have to cheat?

 

Maybe some of you are pondering why with the sudden enraged rantings. Well... that is how I am. I'm enraged. I'm mad. A friend of  mine has just become a victim of infidelity today. What's even worse it was done by another close friend of mine who should've known better. Now, I feel pissed at the guy as well as torn between my loyalty to the girlfriend and the boyfriend. I can never deny that sometimes a relationship can turn sour and not work out but I wholeheartedly disagree on anyone using that excuse to cheat on another person. Why can't people just get to grips about yoiur failing relationship and just end it and not put more salt on a wound by going out with someone else without ending the first one.

 

Cheaters are assholes and do not deserve any respect. I am not saying this because I'm enraged on behalf of my friend but I'm writing this because I know how it feels to be cheated. I've had experience wioth these things. Although the pain may not be as deep as how others would feel but the effect is rather permanent. The effect is distrust. You just can't help but doubt the words of thers especially those who want to be with you. I should know because that's what I'm going through right now. And believe me it is definitely unfair towards those who are sincere and wants to be with you. But because of cheaters they are punished.

 

So i implore all of you. Don't cheat!

Relationship? I'm in a relationship?

Can you believe it? I'm in a relationship. Yep... finally. After nearly two years of swinging single I actually found a guy who convinced me that maybe going double is not so bad after all. At one point I became rather cynical of this whole dating and relationship thing. There wasn't anyone out there who actually managed to get my attention (minus one or two crushes) so basically my dating life was a desert. Pathetic huh! Well... it doesn't help that my social life itself kinda revolves in UIA alone as my cynical side told me to concentrate on my upcoming career. And when it comes to guys, UIA is a barren wasteland. Until now...

Sometimes when you're searching for something you'd always find it in the least expected place, a place where you'd never thought of looking at all. And when you find it it's even better than what you wanted and was searching for originally. I think this is how it is with this guy and I. In normal circumstances I probably wouldn't look twice at him let alone date him. He is SO not my type. I usually go for guys that have the strong and silent look. Someone with a deep, thoughtful expression and don't usually say much. But this guy is total opposite of what I want. He's loud, very expressive and has a lot to say. So how did I end up with him? God knows?! But let's just say that he 'caught' me. Quite a feat for a guy as I'm famous for my independance and stubbornness. Quite a feat a feat indeed for he is also younger than I am. He had all this obstacles stacked up against him and yet he still 'caught' me.

But then doubt will always unnerve you. It'll make you uncertain and you just can't trust. It's wrong I know but I can't shake it off. Experience has taught me to be wary and now I fear that this wariness and doubt  might somehow spoil everything. Although I'm happy being with him and hanging out with him I just can't bring myself to trust him. I question his every word and his every action. I feel sorry for him sometimes. He knows of my uncertainties and my doubts but somehow he's still around. He still cares. So I thank god for making him a persistent person. This doubt of mine will probably take a while to disappear but I seriously hope that it does disappear and soon. Being in a relationship means trusting one another thus it really unfair for him to be in a relationship where there's so much doubt.

Still... life for me has taken a turn for the better. Now at the end of the day I always have something to look forward to and someone that I can lean on to help me ease my worries. Geez... I've gone all mushy now :P Oh well... love works wonders on everyone.

What happened?

Aaarrgghhh... can you believe it al my hard work gone down the drain just like that!? What the **** happened? I had already modified my blogpage to be just right when suddenly it's all gone! Imagine my despair, my pain, my sorrow. *sigh* Now I have to start all over again and it couldn't have come at a worser time. My life is now at hyper speed where every single second of my day must be accounted for and must not be wasted. I NEED more time! Last week I was juggling ETW as well as rehearsals for PTS not to mention my studies. This week I have to juggle PTS rehearsals, my studies, a presentation, a quiz and (perhaps this is less of a burden) a new love life :P I'll elaborate more about that later. Anyways, I dunno when my page will be up and running like it was before but I'm pretty sure that it wont be anytime soon since time is the only thing that I don't have much of. Maybe during the upcoming holidays.  To everyone who tried to enter my domain I'm really sorry and I promise you that it'll soon be back to its former splendour :)

Weird analogy!

I just got this emailed to me and I somehow feel that this analogy is rather true especially for girls. Sometimes we do tend to look too much in something that we want that in the end we miss the bigger picture because the deatils takes too much of our focus. For those who don't understand malay... I'll see whether I'm rajin enough in the future to actually translate the whole thing in English :P

Tentang Cinta

This is funny but may be true.......
Tahu tak, cinta sebenarnya sama seperti seseorang yg menunggu bas.

Bila bas tu datang, awak nengok bas tu dan awak kata pada diri awak, "Eee...penuhnya...tak de tempat duduk." Jadik, awak katakan pada diri awak, "Saya akan tunggu bas yg lain." Awak pun biarkan bas tu berlalu dan awak tunggu pulak bas yg lain.

Kemudian, datang pulak bas yg kedua.
Awak nengok bas tu dan awak akan cakap, "Eee...bas ni buruk sgt... mesti tak selesa. Dan mungkin bas ni akan rosak kat tengah jalan." Jadi, awak pun biarkan bas buruk tu berlalu dan awak bercadang untuk tunggu bas yang seterusnya.

Setelah beberapa ketika, datang lagi sebuah bas.
Bas yg datang tu kosong, tak penuh dan tak seburuk bas yg tadi tapi kali ni awak kata, "Emmm... tak de air-cond...cuaca pulak panas. Lebih baik saya tunggu bas yg lain." Dan sekali lagi awak biarkan bas tu berlalu dan awak bercadang utk menanti bas yg seterusnya.

Tiba-tiba awan mula gelap, cuaca semakin mendung dan baru awak perasan yg awak pula dah terlambat rupanya. Awak mula panik dan terus naik bas yg datang ketika itu, walaupun bas itu tak sebegitu sempurna.

Dan kemudian barulah awak sedar bahawa...awak dah naik bas yg salah. Jadi, selama ni awak dah membazir banyak masa dan wang untuk menunggu apa yg awak nak.

pastikan bahawa bas tu tak akan rosak di tengah jalan atau mungkin bas tu tak terlalu sejuk untuk awak?

Jadik, mengingini apa yg awak idamkan tu memang tak salah. Tapi, tak salah juga kalau anda sanggup memberi satu peluang pada orang lain, kan?

Sekiranya awak dapati "bas" itu tak sesuai dengan awak, apa yg perlu awak lakukan hanya tekan loceng dan turun daripada bas tu.

Tapi...saya pasti awak semua tentu ada pengalaman yg macam ni. Awak nampak sebuah bas datang (tentulah bas yg awak nanti-nanti kan), awak tahan bas tu tapi pemandu bas tu pulak buat tak faham dan pura-pura buat tak nampak awak dan terus berlalu tinggalkan awak!

....Bila ada bas yang lalu melintasi saya macam tu, apa yang saya lakukan ialah BERJALAN!

Bodoh sebenarnya untuk mengejar bas tu sebab setiap kali, awak akan terjatuh dan menyakiti diri awak sendiri.

Jadi, bercinta tu adalah ibarat menunggu bas, sama ada awak nak naik dan beri peluang pada bas tu...semuanya terpulang pada diri awak.

Dan bila awak berjalan, awak sebenarnya cuba melarikan diri daripada cinta!

Analogy by:
~ibnu yaman al-kurawi

I FEEL GOOD!

I know I shouldn't feel overjoyed and should maintain my cool but its hard for a passionate and emotional creature like me to keep cool. I am happy and overjoyed and I'll show it! Why am I feeling this way?It's because I've been asked OUT! YEY! Now don't begrudge me for my happiness! I know it's not such a big deal but for someone who is as picky as I am and who hasn't found the right guy to go out with for the past 1 year this is something major for me. And it's even a bigger bonus that the guy asking me out is quite a hottie! It's usually a guy that I'm never attracted to at all who would ask me out. But this time I've kinda hit gold!!

Ironically this guy is also younger than I am. (What is it with me and younger men?) He's the same age as the guy on whom I have a crush on. What's even more ironic is that they're friends. Not close friends but friendly enough to make me feel confused and somewhat guilty. Confused because I don't know what to do with the both of them and guilty because my crush already knows that I have a crush on him so it'll be weird if I suddenly go out with one of his friends. But a date with Matt is too much to resist! Not only is he kinda cute in a tall dark and handsome way but he has mental substance-a quality that I value highly in guys. He's also a gentleman-something that you dont find often these days especially in malay guys.

Most people would say that I shouyld just ditch my crush and go out with the other guy but then... I still have my ethics and my ego to think about. I dont want him thinking that I'm a player or something. Argh what to do!?!

What's up with you lah?

Don't you just hate it when people just get moody for no apparent reason. But don't you just hate it even more when they get moody for no apparent reason and when you ask them they just wont tell you what's bugging them and you end up feeling irritated and fed up with their attitude and not too mention ahealthy dose of guilt for feeling that way towards one of your friends. Yeap... this is what I getting right now. The silent treatment. I've always hated the silent treatment. It's the worst torture that someone could do to a friend or a loved one.

I've always been able to handle all kinds of emotions from people but guilt and silent treatment just doesn't go well with me. I seriously hate this feeling.

Anyhow, I wont give up. Maybe this gal really needs help and I just havent found the right way to approach her yet. But still it doesn't mean that I like being treated this way. Seriously being on the receiving end of a silent treatment sucks!

I miss Sheena!

The first week of the semester has just officially ended and I must say that I'm quite relieved. I desperately need a time to relax and regain my strength before I really start cranking up my brain and start studying as well as working my ass of for theater club. I seriously think that I should get paid.

This is the first semester ever that Sheena and I finally break free from each other and start living our student life independantly. Our different interests have been too much of an obstacle for us to really hang out with each other and its already up to the point where Sheena has to keep everyone's daily class schedule just to know where everyone is. As much as I love being in the classes that I like and doing activities that I love, it can get rather lonely and I really miss my best friend. Unfortunately I'm also the type who is absolutely lazy to go to other people's rooms so that makes my time hanging out with Sheena even more limited. I guess I hafta start making regular walks to Maryam then.*sigh* All for the name of friendship. I'm just glad that at least I'm able to see my other friends on a regular basis since they're not as super busy as Sheena and I is.

Anyways, something happened today that was totally unexpected. I managed to have a little quality time with Kie. Woohoo! At first it was like usual where we started off talking about work related matters but the only difference about this time is that it was the first time we managed to talk to each other alone. I guess that really made all the difference :) Anyways we went on to talk about other stuff like music and I must say its nice although my knowledge about the music industry is rather limited and even more so in Metal which is his all time favourite. The only thing I could do was nod and look like I knew what he was talking about :P BUt it was nice talking to him and I really hope that I get more chances to talk to him and get to know him better. Maybe I'm wrong in my deduction of his mental depth. The only drawback to the moment was the other juniors watching and snickering at us from the other tables. It was really embarassing and I had hoped that this thing about Kie and I would be so hyped up. I guess the idea of a 4th year female student showing interest on a 1st year male student was too much scandal for any student to handle. I admit that if I were in their shoes I'd probably be as curious as they were.

But things are cool at the moment I can't say I can see anything yet. We might end up just being friends after all. But then again who knows...

Me and physical attraction...

I have to admit that I'm guilty at having a serious physical attraction to this guy in uni. He's even in the same course as I am. He is like THE type of guy that I've always wanted to date. He's definitely the strong and silent type but maybe not so strong since he's rather on the skinny side;P But hey he fits the bill in other areas. He's so hot! I just love the way he looks at people like he's gazing right through you. I could just melt but then melting would totally ruin my image so I control ler. Hehe! This crush has been going on like forever! Yeah... yeah it may sound normal to you guys but the catch is this guy is 2 year younger than I am!

It's like today's trend to go after younger guys huh? I mean just look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher or Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. The guys are way younger than the girl but they date just the same. So i guess it shouldn't bother me all that much if I like a guy who's only a couple of years younger than I am. But it does bother me! Why does he have to be younger?

Nina gave this theory that we both somehow like each other but we both have isssues about approaching one another. I have doubts about me liking him but Nina insists that he does from the way he acts around me. Does being awkward for coming late to a meeting where I'm present count as being shy towards me? I dont think so but then again Nina is a budding psychologists. I must say that I enjoy exchanging eye contact with him. We seem to do that a lot. He looks at me I look away. I look at him he looks away (so cacat!) Anyways, my alasan for not going further with this attraction is that I'm his director for a program so it wouldnt be professional if I suddenly get up close and personal with my own 'anak buah' now would it?

The only thing about him is that he lacks the mental depth that I'd like in a guy. It may be due to our age gap but then again it might be him. Everytime I talk to him about stuff other than work related matters I always get stumped. We definitely do NOT have that much in common. If only he had the same mental depth that this other guy has. He's also another crush of mine. This guy is like the total opposite of Kie (my physical crush :P I can't believe that I'm announcing this to the world.) This other guy is older, currently pursuing his Masters in political sciences and is a debater. He also has a wicked sense of humour. Definitely a guy that I could relate with and talk to at hours on ends. But sadly he lacks the physical attractiveness that Kie has. Now idefinitely know that this guy has no feelings whatsoever for me and its safe to say that we'll probably won't go further than just being friends but that won't stop me from admiring him from far. He's definitely a guy that would make one lucky woman really happy one day. If there was a guy out there who has Kie's looks and Abang Azhan's brains I'd be the happiest girl alive. It'll be like a dream come true! But in truth I feel like I'm in a reality show where I have to choose between looks or brains and personality. If I choose looks people would brand me shallow but if I choose the other I would probably be branded snobbish or just trying to avoid reality or something.

Anyways, the situation is kinda hard at the moment for me because I'll be spending a lot of time with Kie for the next few months. It'll definitely be a test on my patience by being close to him and yet maintaning my distance for professionalism's sake. Don't get me wrong I'm not gonna jump his bones or what. Just maybe get to know him a little better since I won't get that kind of opportunity anymore. Aaaggghhh... this is what you get when you're hormones start taking over your brains! Help me!

Money... money... money

Why is it that people can be so kedekut with money? Why can't people just help us out a little? *sigh*

English Theater Week (ETW) is in 2 weeks time and I still need to raise money to ensure that the program is a success. By the looks of things I dont think that ETW is gonna be a success after all. My first time as a Program director and its goping to be a flop. What a blow that'll be on my ego.Its not that I have a huge ego or something but of course everyone would want the things that they're involved in to be great and since theater is my passion I want ETW to be something that everyone will remember. I feel so helpless right now.

It's sad to know that theater is a venture that most people would put their money on. Why? It's a booming business right now and even the Minister of arts and culture suggested that Malaysia is turned into a cultural country and not just a tourism country. So why people are still not interested in sponsoring? It's not that we're not giving anything in return. There's tax exemption and even publicity not to mention free tickets. Maybe to some it's not much but we're not asking for much either. I mean RM2000 ONLY what. *sigh*

Anyways, I wont give up just yet but I feel somewhat disheartened with the things that have happened so far. I'm glad that I'm surrounded by people who are willing to help and still have faith in me. That is the only thing that still gives me strength to go on (as corny as it sounds).

On a lighter note I just had a meeting with the cast and crews of my Midsummer team and I'm glad to say that I definitely picked the right people. Even Emirul my co-director said so. See... have faith in me laa! I love the group because everyone is such a fun bunch. So that's cool because I'm not in this to win but just to have fun. But winning will be great bonus! So I'm really looking forward to start practice. I'm in desperate need for fun. Go Catalysts!!

First Day...

Today is the first day of the semester. I have yet to get to class because I decided to go to the lab first. Why? Because little absent-minded me forgot to take the diskett out of the computer at home and that particular diskett has all my class schedule and also the info on which class I should be at. AArrghh! So I have to come to the lab and check out my schedule online. Thanks God that everyone is busy doing add drop so the computers are rather free for my use. I pity these people who because doing add drop now is such a huge hassle. Thank God that I've never had this problem before unless you count the time hwen I was a still confused freshman. Even then there wasn't that much hassle.

But it's great to be back. I missed my friends but most of all I missed having something to do. But then... work hasn't snowballed yet and when it does I'll be the loudest one complaining. Even before the holidays was officially over yet there's already a call about meeting here and meeting there. Ack... is that an indication of how my new semester is going to be? What have I gotten myself into? Even my body knows in advance trhe stress that I'll have during this semester and it's already started rebelling. There's like a huge zit right in the middle of my forehead and no amount of concealer will be able to hide it. Agh... the agony of being a young adult. Still have to handle zits.

Anyways class is starting in a mo' so I gotta go. Journalism class. Woohoo! I've been waiting to take thius class. Pray to god that the lecturer is cool. Gotta go! Ciao!!

Back to school... *sigh*

Another two days left before holidays are officially over. I cant say that I'm jumping for joy at the thought of going back to campus but I'll be glad to finally have something to do for a change. Lazing all day can be fun the first two weeks or so but more than that I'll probably explode from boredom. I am just NOT the type to sit around with nothing to do. That is why sem 3 is a must for me. If not I'll go cuckoo. Luckily this time for the 1 month break, I had an ample supply of Japanese drama to help me pass the time and also a healthy dose of travelling.

Anyways, this sem will be my second last sem at UIA (I hope!) I'll be graduating soon and to tell you the truth it kinda saddens me. It makes me feel so old! I cant believe that I'll be graduating soon. Everyone else is like 1st year or second year while I'm in 4th year. Ack... I'm old!! But then again its cool getting all that awed look from the juniors. Makes you feel all high and mighty. Hehe! But what saddens me most is the fact that I might be leaving UIA soon. As unbelieveable as it sound but I love my life in UIA. It was here that I met all my friends, the ones that you'll wanna keep all your life. And its in UIA that I really learned a bunch of stuff and I dont mean just the lesson but about life as well. I hated my days in high scool. One because I hated science stream and two because I din't have much friends. Real friends whom I could confide in. But it's different in UIA. I love my course. I love the people but most of all I love my new friends. Some of them have been with me through thick and thin and these are the people that I'll hold on to all my life.

Another reason why graduation saddens me is that it is finally the time for us to step into the rweal world. Not a happy prospect I tell you. Right now we can still live in bliss considering that there's nothing much to worry about. No bills, no worries about getting fired and such. Ignorance is such bliss. Student life is bliss actually. But then everyone hafta face reality some day and for me it might be another year or so. It's really scary when I think about it. So I wont think about it lah. t I'm gonna take each day as it comes. If i do think about it I'll end up getting premature wrinkles and then I wouldn't just feel old but look old too. So now I'm gonna enjoy life to the fullest!! And of course live life so with no regrets!!

RESULTS!!

Results are finally out!! And I must say What a RELIEF!! I was really worried about my research methodology. I felt that didn't write a good enough paper for Dr. Subra and he is one of the toughest lecturers to score with. Luckily I managed to scrape through and I managed to bring up my CGPA a little. Yey! Thank you Dr. Subra. I wonder how Sheena did. Although she's my best friend and I love her and all but she's also my ultimate rival (in a good way of course!). So if you're reading this Sheena... be flattered because I hold you in the highest esteem :)

So now that results are out I dont have to worry anymore. Now I can just fret. Semester 1 is going to start soon so that means more classes and more work. *sigh* Oh well... I did put it upon myself. So bring it on! Next sem will be my final sem doing major extra curricular activities. I have to retire in sem 2 because I have to make sure that I get an award during graduation. That's my ultimate goal now. Something that I have to work for and dream about. Yeah! However I do hope that everyone who took sem 3 managed to get good results. I love the feeling of getting good grades when you least expect it.

On a more sombre note I just saw a crazy (gila) man walking down a pathway when he saw an empty paper cup lying on the sidewalk. Without hesitating he just took the cup and threw it in the nearest rubbish bin. His actions got me thinking... how many of us 'sane' people actually do that. Not many. Even I myself dont do that and yet this crazy homeless guy just did it without even thinking about it. It makes you wonder sometimes whether these insane people are really insane or not? Or are they just people sent down to send other people as a message that perhaps the things that we look down upon are probably much better than we expect it to be.

The Reason

I really love this song. The lyrics are sweet and the guy singing it is not too shabby either so that's why i felt like sharing it with everyone who reads this blog. Hope you'll find someone like in the song as I wish I would too.

The Reason
by Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Lyrics from:Letssingit.com

Liberation from 'P'

Finally after two long years I have transcended from a 'percubaan' to full license! Yey! I know that some of you might say 'why so lambat one?' well... let's just say a road full of 'lori balak' while I was just learning to drive threw me off driving for a while. Then during my second year of uni I just thought 'I really need a driver's license. I need FREEDOM!' Thus begins my journey with my driver's license.

So today is the day that I finally get my adult diver's license. Having a 'P' was cool and all but you just don't feel like you're there yet. But the cool thing about having a 'P' is that people gives you a lot of slack. They don't mind you doing a minor mistake or two because you haven't fully passed yet. So now that I have the full license I wont get that much slack anymore. Hmm, maybe getting of the 'P' is not a good idea after all, not that I make that much driving mistakes. Okay maybe just a little. But still the libertaion I felt when I had my full driver's license in my hands was exhilirating! I felt like I achieved something (it's not easy driving in KL). In fact I actually feel proud of myself :P

What bugs me though is that my mom still wont let me drive whenever we're on the road. She thinks I'm not competent enough. How am I supposed to get competent if she won't let me drive? Parents... they're a hard bunch to understand. I just hope that with my brand new license she'll finally let me drive. Tomorrow I shall finally officiate the first time use of my adult's driver's license. WooHoo! Hmmm... maybe I can take the WAJA out for a spin(oops... Don't tell my mom).

WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

I just got back from the worst day ever in my semester break. It was university registration day and ironically it wasn't even my registration but my sisters'. All i can say after going through that ordeal was What were they THINKING? It was chaos! I dont mean to brag or anything but UIA's little slipups during my own registration day is considered nothing when compared to what happened at USM (oops! I wasn't supposed to let that out actually). It didn't help much that the sun was scorching hot and the fact that the whole thing was doe out in the open hence the chaos. Why chaos? what do you expect when parent have free rein to accompany their kids every step of the registration process. It's even in the news where there's still people not satisfied with the course that they got so they used this opportunity to try and get information on how to fix this. As much as I sympathise with their plight but HELLO... there's like ten million people lining up in front of you in the hot sun!!

Zealous and over protective parents are one thing but the management itself is another. Management was all over the place and nothing was satisfactory and trust me I' not the only one grumbling. Again I must ask WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? People had to line up for hpours just to get a measly file and I know for a fact that it's not because there were to many people but they just didn't think to hand it out during registration. It was just a measly file! I practically fell asleep waiting for my sister to return and 2 hours of waiting for again - a measly file! Where was the free t-shirt that you always get during orientation? What about stationery and notebook? I even got myself a bag (although a nerdy one) in the process. To make matters even worse all the kids will have to get their own food during the entire orienation. Geez... I can just imagine 2000 students rushing to buy food in a teeny canteen in a matter of 2 hours. Nopt to mention rushing off to pray and perhaps a little snooze. I pity my sister. And thought my orientation was bad. I just hope she survives the ordeal.

All in all she's lucky though. USM looks like a cool place. Good location. Lush scenery. Plenty of people from different background and most importantly she got to do a course that she likes. Well... I'm glad that ordeal was over. I never want to go through that experience ever again! Thank god that Aimee (my youngest sister) is only thirteen.

Experience 'Oghe Kelate'

I’m finally back from Kelantan! What an experience! I never fully realized that I love visiting Kelantan and that it’s a great place to be (although I wouldn’t necessarily want to live there). It’s a great place to get away from it all and each time I go back there’s bound to be major changes done especially now that Barisan has taken over a lot of the areas in Kelantan. I guess they fear losing whateever power that they have gained in Kelantan so they feel that they must show the people that choosing them was the best choice they did. For me… I’ll leave it to the ‘real’ Kelantanese to decide.

This time my trip to Kelantan was more than an occasional visit to see my family or for shopping but instead it was more towards discovering my birthplace. It all happened by circumstances really because if we weren’t lost in getting our way round Kota Bharu we probably wouldn’t have found this quaint little tourist village smack dab in the middle of the city. The guy working there even admitted that not many of the locals know about the place because it’s hidden away by the bigger and grander old Sultan’s palace and of course the main shopping attraction the ‘Pasar Siti Khadijah’ and ‘Bazaar Buluh Kubu’. You should have seen the way my mum, my sister, my cousin and myself going around taking pictures of everything on site. It was really cute but the funny thing was to the locals we probably would have looked like any tourist visiting Kelantan for the first time but as we drew near we were all talking rapidly in Kelantanese. Everybody must have thought that we were ‘orang ulu’. It was fun finding out stuff about my native state. At least now I feel more of a Kelantanese rather than someone whose origins is in Kelantan but knows nothing much about Kelantan. Now I don’t feel so lost.

Another reason that made this trip fun was that I get to watch the ‘Bargain Queen’ at work again. Who is she? None other than my MOM herself. She is a wonder at getting the things she wants at the price she is willing to pay for. Can you imagine she managed to get 4 meters of exquisite silk cloth with batik prints at only RM100 when the original price was RM280. Not impressive enough? The price for the same cloth for tourist was set at a whopping RM350. I wonder how she does it. If people were to say she gets that price because she’s a Kelantanese well the sellers can tell that she’s not living in Kelantan because they always ask her where she lives. My mom’s slang has become like mine, a watered down version of Kelantanese slang- fluent but not like the locals. So every time she goes shopping in Kelantan I make it a point to follow her. I have to know her secret! It may be a long and tiring walk from one store to another but in the future its way worth it because with the stuff that I buy I can sell it to other people at twice the price! Muahahaha!! Money!!

It was a great trip this time and I’m glad that there weren’t that many people like during raya season. I’m really looking forward to my next trip back to Kelantan. Who knows there might be other little treasures that I might find accidentally while I’m there. As for current plans, Penang is my destination for the weekend. Ferringhi Beach… here I come!!

Proud to be Kelantanese?

I’m a Kelantanese born and bred. Both my parents were Kelantanese and so were my grandparents, both paternal and maternal. Come to think of it I don’t think any of my ancestors were ever from another state. So I guess it’s safe for me to say that I’m a purebred Kelantanese girl. Can get anymore pedigree than that, I guess. The question is though… do I say ‘I’m a Kelantanese’ with pride? Truth is I’m not so sure. Although I never deny that I’m a Kelantanese but I never readily own up to that fact either. People tend to assume that I’m from Perak since I’ve been living in Ipoh for the past 12 years of my life and I do nothing to stop people from assuming it. Is it because of shame? I seriously don’t know. Does it make me a traitor to m y own state? I certainly hope not.

Kelantanese are always associated with the term ‘asabiyyah’. It means a really strong sense of origin and belonging to people of the same background. The reason is because Kelantanese has always had a strong bond with each other. ‘A Kelantanese would never let another Kelantanese down’, the famous Kelantanese motto. This motto is even apparent when shopping. My mom, the bargain queen, sells tudung and baju kurung cloth for a side income and somehow she would always get a fraction of the actual price set down by the dealers. Why? Because her dealers are all Kelantanese and they like the fact that she’s one of them too. Even in another state you can always tell those who are Kelantanese and those who aren’t. Kelantanese always stick together. Kelantanese are also people who are not afraid to reveal their identity. When you’re hanging out with a bunch of Kelantanese you’ll feel like you’re in Kelantan itself. They never abandon their slang and mindset.

This is why the term ‘asabiyyah’ is used. It’s a rather negative term used to people who are stubborn to conform to the norms of society. It is meant for people who are different and feel that they are better than others. However I think in this aspect Kelantanese are really the better ones here. No offence to the other state but that kind of loyalty and confidence about one’s own identity is hard to come by nowadays. Kelantanese are proud of their state and their culture and are not afraid to show it. Their slang, which are the Kelantanese most distinct features are spoken everywhere even overseas. I should know because the only malay that I spoke when I was in UK was Kelantanese Malay. Kelantan is one of the culturally richest states in the country and its uniqueness is very distinct from the other state and I’m not saying this because I’m a Kelantanese either. I’m saying it because it’s true. So what makes me reluctant to proudly say that I’m a Kelantanese?

Recently at the SUKMA games the Kelantan football team was involved in a fight with the Negeri Sembilan’s team. That wasn’t the first time it happened. In fact this is the third consecutive fight that the Kelantan football team had been involved in. There were countless other fight cases involving the Kelantanese football team in the past years too. Kelantanese supporters would usually add to the chaos too. Now, people seem to expect that there would be a fight at all Kelantanese football games my mom included. I distinctly remember her saying ‘mesti gomo (gaduh) nanti. They always fight.’ This is the reason why I never readily admit that I’m a Kelantanese. It’s not because of the fight but because of Kelantanese attitudes.

From what I have observed Kelantanese are so proud of their own identity that they tend to not respect the identity and culture of others. When they’re in numbers they become cocky and feel that it is other people that must follow their style and their ways. They won’t even bend a little for others. I’ve seen Kelantanese refusing to lose their slang even though the person that they’re talking to have a hard time understanding what they say. It’s not that they can’t lose the slang they just don’t wan to. I’ve also seen people refusing to hang out with certain people just because they’re not Kelantanese. And all of these incidents happened in other states and not in Kelantan itself. Why must they act this way?

I myself has been asked on several occasions by my fellow Kelantanese on why don’t I speak Kelantanese with them. Not because I can’t but or because I don’t want to but because I don’t want any of my friends who are present at that time feel left out because they’re from another state. Talking in Kelantanese would just make her feel like an outsider. That feeling is the worse feeling in the world because you’d feel like you’re intruding on something that you’re not supposed to know about.

Kelantan has always been associated with religion and of course PAS. It’s a good thing really but not when it’s associated with religious fanaticism and political obsession. All Kelantanese are always associated with this and I hate that. I try to change this perception not because I oppose PAS or do not believe in preaching Islam myself but because I want people to realize that there’s more to Kelantan than that. However, it’s hard when Kelantanese themselves tend to support these claims through their actions. I feel helpless when any of my friends bring this issue up in conversations and although I try to reassure them that it’s otherwise, I know it’s useless because there’ll be other countless things that would back up what they said. The football fight would be one example of a Kelantanese fanaticism.

Undeniably there are Kelantanese out there who are like me, a Kelantanese but is not considered a Kelantanese through and through. Don’t get me wrong, I love my native state and there’s no other place that I’d love to go back to during my holidays but I just wish that Kelantanese would open up a little. There’s a bigger world out there that extends way beyond the border of Malaysia. Keeping our identity is important in life but if we stick to the rut that we’re accustomed to then we’ll never have progress, the one essential thing that Kelantan needs.

Who are you going to be?

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

Do the words ring a bell? They should because they're from Linkin Park's song 'Numb'. Or do they ring another bell... you probably heard all the latest buzz about 128 top scorers being rejected from doing medic. Quite a commotion! I pity those kids but sometimes I just cant help but wonder how many of those 128 students really want to do medic or are they just merely following the mindset that has been set in Malaysian society nowadays, that if you're smart and have high scores then you must do medic because other subjects will just be a waste of your potential. Trust me... I myself has been put through this lecture and now I see my sister going through the same routine. Ironically it's not coming from my mom but from my aunt.

My aunt is not the only one who has this mindset. I see it in a lot of parents and sometimes in young adults and teens too. I see parents telling their little kids that they have to be a doctors. Parents not giving their kids a chance to find out what they actually want in life. It's sad that society would push you aside just because you're not doing THE subject (medic/engin/pharmacy). I came from a boarding school where I did pure science and about 90% of my friends all wanted to go into THE course but then only 40% did. As for me... well lets say people hasn't still gotten over the fact that I took a literature course instead. I still get the occasional 'how come you're doing literature? You went to MRSM kan?' *sigh* To them... my potential is wasted.

Now it's happening full force on my sister Yuni. Yuni did matriculations directly after SPM and everyone knows how cempetitive matriculations can be. Anyhow because of competition and the fact that her results weren't as impressive as others... she didn't get into medic or pharmacy or even engineering. Instead she was given her 7th choice (out of 8). She was lucky... there were others who got auctioned off to any university who were willing to take them in dspite their getting good results. However that wasn't enough for my aunt. She came down on Yuni with a vengeance. She insisted that Yuni appeal for medic. Pressure... pressure... pressure!

Yuni can get away with it because my aunt lives in another state but then again who can escape the feeling of letting someone down. It's quite a letdown when people closest to you don't give you the support that you need. But then my mum has been cool enough to respect our wishes and now she's even mighty proud of me for excelling in a course that I really love. I know she wishes the same for my sister too.

In life we can never get away from people's expectation either big or small. But what I learned is that we try to rise to people's expectations of us but only to the level that we know we can reach too. But most importantly is whether those expectations are really what you yourself want and not the wishes of poeple around you. It's your life. YOU'RE living it.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be

Questionnaires... Questionnaires... Questionnaires

Lately I’ve found many of these questionnaires posted on the net. There’s a whole variety of them… short, long, stupid ones, sweet ones etc. Maybe it’s because of the school holidays and people just don’t have anything better to do other than making up new questionnaires for people to answer. And as for the others who aren’t making up questions they’re answering them. I’m among the second category. I just don’t have the patience to actually think up all the questions for the questionnaires (salute to those who actually does them!). These questionnaires are kinda fun actually. Some of the questions are really funny while others can be thought provoking too. But one major thing that these questionnaires provide is as deeper insight on those who answer it. In fact it also gives a deeper insight on yourself. Like I said before some of the questions are thought provoking so they force you to think about your answers. Sometimes you can even surprise yourself with some of the answers that you come up with. Anyways, for me these questionnaires are a source of meaningless fun. It’s a way for other people to know me better and also for me to learn more about other people too. Answering questionnaires is definitely better than staring into space doing nothing all day (which is what I do most nowadays… can’t wait till the holidays are over!). So whenever you find questionnaires posted on the net just take some time off and answer them. You’ll never know whom you might meet because of your answers.


PAST

1. When were you born?
1st April 1982 Yeap, I was born on April Fool’s Day – no pranks PLEASE!!

2. Where were you born?
New city, Kelate

3. What was your first grade form teacher's name?
Geez have to think so far back meh…

4. What was your first pet's name?
I don’t think my memory goes back that far. My first cat was when I was three or four months old

5. What was your worst accident (medical)?
I’m a walking disaster! I had two major accident firstly I chopped off my ghost finger (it’s about 2 cm shorter now and look like a claw – but I kinda like the outcome better) and secondly I nearly hacked off my left pinkie toe too hehe!

6. What was your favorite cartoon?
-My little Pony!

7. Who was your first best friend?
-Bayani! Lost contact then met up again and then lost contact again until now 

8. When was the first time you ever went on a
plane?
-In 2001

9. What used to be your favorite color?
-I dunno… according to pictures my clothes is pretty much covered with mud and dirt (saya anak kampung)

10. Did you ever wet your pants at school?
-At school… No.

11. Did you ever get sent to the principal?
-Twice if you count the disciplinary teacher’s office too. Even got threatened that I might have to get a class downgrade. Muahahaha all for stupid things that I do :p

12. Did you ever start a food fight?
-nope! I’d love to experience a food fight!

13. What was your worst fear?
-IT coming to get ME! (hey… this is about my past rite?

14. What was your favorite toy?
mud… trees… stones… and as I got older roller blades!

15. Did you ever suck your thumb?
-no

PRESENT

1. What time is it?
10.37am

2. What's the date?
31st May 2004

3. What is your favorite movie?
-Shawshank Redemption, Amelie Poulain (French), The Green Mile

4. What is your favorite song?
-I don’t know the actual title but I think it’s ‘Nobody knows it but me’ by The Tony Rich Project

5. Do you have any pets?
- sadly… no

6. If so what are their names:
-bbbwwwaaaahhhh… I wanna cat!

7. What color hair do you have?
-black but at the ends still have a little red colour from the last time I dyed it.

8. What kind of music do you listen to?
-Rock mostly,r&b n indie.

9. Do you still watch cartoons?
-oh yeah..i love cartoons… Spongebob squarepants is the BEST!

10. What is your favorite TV show?
-Queer eye for the straight guy, America’s next top model n CSI

11. Do you get online often?
-Whenever I can! I hafta make my blogs great!

12. What state/province do you live in?
-Ipoh, Perak

13. What's your favorite type of food?
-I love to try food but Italian pasta is my fave n anything with cheese on top, inside, under, all over..! I love cheesee...

FUTURE

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
-a theatre producer/ an event planner/ a journalist/ a magazine publisher or editor/ a manager to a bigshot

2. Do you want to go to college?
I'm in uni

3. Do you want to get married: who doesnt??

4. If so at what age... if not why?
a couple of years after I graduate

5. Do you want to have kids?
Yes, 2 boys, 2 girls. Just nice!

6. What kind of car do you want?
-it'd be a bonus if we could afford a 3 series BMW..hehe but i'd settle for a Rav4 or any stylish 4wd.

7. At what age do you think you'll live to?
-173!

8. Where do you want to live when you're 35?
-Brunei/ Kay Ell (other places is for my vacations:P)

9. What movie do you want to see next Saturday night?
- Harry Potter with my kid sister but I wanna watch Pontianak!!

10. What time do you think you will go to bed?
-I slept late and woke early… I’d calculate anytime at 3 there’ll be a nap. At nite… depends on the availability of the net hehehehe(evil laughter)

11. Do you think you will have the same friends as you do now?
-there’ll be a few that I’ll definitely stick with.

12. Do you want to walk on the moon?
-for the kick of it… Hell, yeah!

13. What kind of house do you want to live in?
-I want a house with a traditional design like the Perak house or like the traditional English cottages. So cute!!

14. Which country would you like to visit?
-Definitely Morocco. Night life is way HAPPENING and ooh DISNEYLAND!!