Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Who are you going to be?

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

Do the words ring a bell? They should because they're from Linkin Park's song 'Numb'. Or do they ring another bell... you probably heard all the latest buzz about 128 top scorers being rejected from doing medic. Quite a commotion! I pity those kids but sometimes I just cant help but wonder how many of those 128 students really want to do medic or are they just merely following the mindset that has been set in Malaysian society nowadays, that if you're smart and have high scores then you must do medic because other subjects will just be a waste of your potential. Trust me... I myself has been put through this lecture and now I see my sister going through the same routine. Ironically it's not coming from my mom but from my aunt.

My aunt is not the only one who has this mindset. I see it in a lot of parents and sometimes in young adults and teens too. I see parents telling their little kids that they have to be a doctors. Parents not giving their kids a chance to find out what they actually want in life. It's sad that society would push you aside just because you're not doing THE subject (medic/engin/pharmacy). I came from a boarding school where I did pure science and about 90% of my friends all wanted to go into THE course but then only 40% did. As for me... well lets say people hasn't still gotten over the fact that I took a literature course instead. I still get the occasional 'how come you're doing literature? You went to MRSM kan?' *sigh* To them... my potential is wasted.

Now it's happening full force on my sister Yuni. Yuni did matriculations directly after SPM and everyone knows how cempetitive matriculations can be. Anyhow because of competition and the fact that her results weren't as impressive as others... she didn't get into medic or pharmacy or even engineering. Instead she was given her 7th choice (out of 8). She was lucky... there were others who got auctioned off to any university who were willing to take them in dspite their getting good results. However that wasn't enough for my aunt. She came down on Yuni with a vengeance. She insisted that Yuni appeal for medic. Pressure... pressure... pressure!

Yuni can get away with it because my aunt lives in another state but then again who can escape the feeling of letting someone down. It's quite a letdown when people closest to you don't give you the support that you need. But then my mum has been cool enough to respect our wishes and now she's even mighty proud of me for excelling in a course that I really love. I know she wishes the same for my sister too.

In life we can never get away from people's expectation either big or small. But what I learned is that we try to rise to people's expectations of us but only to the level that we know we can reach too. But most importantly is whether those expectations are really what you yourself want and not the wishes of poeple around you. It's your life. YOU'RE living it.

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Tired of being what you want me to be

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