Friday, July 30, 2004

Still being punished?

Whew... my hectic days are over and yet I still havent fully recovered from the effects. I'm still tired, still lazy to actually get back into gear to start school work and also very lazy to start doing my part time job again. So much work that I need to catch up on! At least when I was busy I had a reason to say why my work is so 'ketinggalan' but now no reason but just plain MALAS! God, give me strength.

The after effect of my busy days was not only the lethargy, the surreal feeling that its over and also the laziness but there's also this hollow feeling. I hate this feeling because it can just suck every other feeling from you leaving you void and empty which usually gives way to depression. How did I end up getting this feeling? Let's just say it was through a realisation that somehow I'm still being punished by people I care about for actions that I myself was not made aware of until it was too late. Admittedly I was wrong through and through but I was kind of hoping that somehow I wouldn't be punished this way-through abandonment. All I ask for was support but somehow I lost that too. It was something that I didn't expect when I scanned the crowd for familiar faces and yet I see none. It saddens me but I am helpless to do anything for it was of my doing that brought it on. What little hope I had that somehow things may be as it used to be now grows smaller and smaller. Maybe things will never be the same again. Somehow I must learn to gather my own strength and learn to be on my own. Depend on myself and achieve through my own wit and cunning. It wouldn't be easy but I have to try.

Still, I thank God for giving me something else in return. Another type of support that until today I never thought that I'd get so soon or ever. I was ready to live my life on my own but God is fair although life itself is not so fair. Without him I'd probably be a bitter person right now. I'd probably be blaming myself and others for not understanding my plight but with him around I feel that those things doesn't matter after all and perhaps in due time my friends will understand. Hope is diminishing but it has not disappeared yet.

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