A new look maybe?

Hmmm... I'm getting bored of this layout. I'm thinking of getting a new skin. I think I should.

Well... gotta go surf for some skins.

Astrology reading

I know that astrology reading is a bunch of crap but I seriously like this reading of my relationship with Matt. I'm missing him like crazy and its bad enough that with me graduating soon I may only have a couple more months to lepak with him. After that is the possibility of us going through a long and difficult long-distance relationship.

Waa... I'm gonna miss you stranger!


THE READING

Sun Conjunct Mercury

Your relationship may not be so much an emotional relationship as it is an intellectual one. Yours is perhaps a relationship where you can exchange thoughts and ideas, study, research, spend hours in conversation and enjoy mental stimulation rather than physical. For you, sex takes place mentally rather than physically. Rather than having an emotional rapport, you may be more detached and logical in your relationship.

Your conversations will be excellent and since you have so much in common, you probably think the same ways about life in general. You will have no trouble understanding what the other person is talking about. There are very meaningful discussions indicated here and should you be involved in creative or business ventures together, then this aspect is an added boost for the conception of new ideas.

You can feel very close to each other with this aspect, without feeling vulnerable, and doing your "own thing" will be a prerequisite for the two of you. Trips and travel, whether local or long distance, are also part of this aspect. Sitting still may be difficult for you both.

Sun Conjunct Venus

This aspect signifies that you just plainly love each other. The attraction is so strong between you that even though you may be incompatible by other standards, you still feel like being with your partner because of that love you feel for them. It's not that they won't occasionally drive you nuts - they will. It's just that the bottom line is that there is real love between you and there is no stronger emotion in the universe.

By being together you can create beauty and form as well as appreciate art and music. Your home can easily be filled with "treasures" that reflect the talents you have. But as always with Venus, be careful of overindulging in the good things of life so they do not become a noose around your neck instead of an object of desire. Remember, the more things you have, the more trouble you are likely to have. You will not mind showing off what you have accrued together, but vanity can become an undesired side effect of this aspect if it is not kept in check.

Avoid hiding any difficulties in your relationship and bring them out in the open so they can be resolved or at least recognized in order to avoid major problems down the road. You may also be drawn to speculative ventures with this aspect, so just remember to be practical in your expenditures.

With this configuration, no matter what difficulties come along to challenge you, you will always feel a need and desire to make peace, reconcile and create harmony and cooperation in your relationship. This aspect offers a great stability that will keep you from turning against each other, unless the obstacles become totally overwhelming.

A great deal of time and effort can be put into social activities and if you are involved in creative ventures together, then this aspect adds support and form to your ideas.

Sun Square Pluto

This aspect is an indicator of either a very strong love-hate relationship or a relationship that possesses magnetic attraction and repulsion at the same time. This stems from the qualities of Pluto that want to try to dominate, to wield the power, to manipulate and to control. If you try to use this Plutonian energy in negative ways, there are likely to be some very violent responses to your efforts. This relationship may be headed for some real heavy-duty conflicts!

One or both of you may feel a strong need to dig deeply into the abyss of your partner's mind, ferreting out any and all information until there is nothing left but mush. If you are going to make this relationship work, then teamwork is required. You need to treat each other as equals with neither one of you holding the balance of power. If you cannot do this, then you may not want to get involved at all, as if you could avoid it! The relationship's positive potential is not impossible, but the greatest caution is advised to recognize the pitfalls.

Another word of caution, if you do marry and decide you can no longer live with the heat this oven produces, then I suggest you dig a trench and get set for open warfare while you decide at great risk to life and limb who gets custody of the goldfish! Possessiveness is obviously one of the negative traits of this aspect.

Power struggles, misunderstandings and quarrels can easily develop between you and your partner. Any dishonesty between the two of you is sure to be brought out into the open and you will have a heck of a time dealing with it. This is not a light or frivolous relationship, and, in time, you will get to know each other completely and once the bond is forged, it cannot easily be undone.

In case you have not figured it out by now, this relationship may be a fated, meant-to-be, irresistible, unavoidable connection and circumstances beyond your control may have shackled you together in order that you may learn valuable lessons.

It may well be advised that you think carefully before getting involved in business dealings together because they probably would prove to be both disruptive and destructive if you do. Perhaps the biggest reason for this is the power struggle that is likely to occur between you. Remember, both of you can't wear the same pair of pants at the same time, although you will try. Jealousy, fanatical behavior, impulsive acts and a modicum of physical suffering define the energy of this aspect. Problems can also be seen in joint finances, insurance claims, wills and taxes.

The good news is that there is a great deal of sexual energy present between you. Just so it isn't a total loss!

Back home

Exams Over (YAY!), Holidays started (DOUBLE YAY!), Back home (emm), Daily routine of cooking and cleaning and doing absolutely nothing (Blah - boring!).

Yeap it's gonna be a long 3 weeks.

Screaming Banshee

I've heard of people being obsessed with religion before and I've seen the footage on TV what people would do when the obsession overcomes then but I never imagined that one day that I'd actually see the wrath of these religiously obsessed people right in front of my eyes and actually spar with them. (Though I don't actually call it sparring since they were shouting at the top of their lungs while I was meekly pointing out that they were wrong.) Anyways, I'm just lucky that I wasn't the target of their anger so I didn't get much heat from them. I probably should start at the very beginning so that you'd know what I'm talking about.

Last night after a fight with her better half, a friend of mine wanted to cool off and asked us out for a drink at NZ. While we were there the same friend saw her old dance instructor and of course him being the polite guy that he was came over to the table and said hi to everybody. I think that was sweet because they were already halfway across the restaurant (which is really huge). So with a reunion there's usually the normal pleasantries and such and at the end of the whole thing was the goodbye hug. A hug between a student to her old teacher and an old friend. Basically a 3-second kinda thing. Though I must admit it wasn't really 'manis' for her to do that to a guy in public but it wasn't anything to go berserk about either.

So the guy left and we're waiting for food when suddenly this woman in her 30's came over and nicely said... (in a nica tone)

"Assalamualaikum, saya minta maaf sebab saya terpaksa cakap nie tapi saya rasa ini tanggung jawab saya sebagai orang Islam...."

And this is when the whole screaming banshee ordeal started. She started going on and on and on about being embarassed seeing my friend hugging the guy and being embarrassed that a Malay was acting like that. All the while her voice rose higher and higher until the whole goddamn restaurant now knew what just happened. The woman was livid. She was waving her arms everywhere and pointing her finger to my friend's face which is something that I cannot accept. Hello... you're talking about Malay being proper but what the heck are you doing pointing like that right in her face. Not only that her arm waving nearly took off my tudung so you can tell how frantically she was waving her arms and ranting. Her face was purple with all the shouting that she was doing.

The 5 of us were shocked and I didn't know what came over me I just decided to say something. Luckily not out of anger or just trying to be rude but because she was embarassing herself. So I said...

"Akak... akak... sabar sikit akak. Sabar..."

After that she started to tone down a bit though she still hasn't stopped. Then I saw her husband with their baby (they were eating a table away from us which is how they saw the whole hugging scene) coming at us. My first thought was "THANK GOD! He's finally gonna calm this madwoman down." But no... he just came to finish what the lady started. He yelled at me asking how can I not be angry at that kind of behaviour and then he turned back towards my friend at started yelling at her. This time he was more vulgar bringing in all here ancestry into the picture which is again another big No-No for me. So I interject by saying (nicely)...

"Abang... jangan la jerit-jerit. Cakaplah elok-elok, bukannya dia tak nak dengar. Tapi kalau abang cakap macam nie siapa nak dengar lagi dia tak nak dengar."

He of course ignored me and started yelling at my friend again. My friend then recovered from shock and nicely and calmly thanked them for 'tegur'-ing her (which to me is very brave coz I would've just ignored them if I were her). My friend said she was sorry to both of them and again thanked them. But you know what the guy said...

"Apa mintak maaf kat aku? Ko kan ada tuhan ko, pergi mintak maaf kat tuhan ko tu. Budak-budak kurang ajar!"

And with that he returned to his table again. Seriously, with that remark he totally squashed whatever respect that any of us had for him. I mean what was this 'tuhan aku, tuhan ko' all about? Aren't we Muslims? Don't we worship the same god?

Sally raised a really good point then. Imagine what non-Muslim would think when they see Muslims treating other Muslims this way. No wonder Islam is so misunderstood and is considered as a terrible religion. The Terrorist religion. If that couple are so into Islam then they should know that Islam never teaches its followers to do da'wah like that.

All of us were traumatised but we knew that we didn't deserve to be treated that way. And I think most of the people there agreed with us since some of them actually came up to us and gave us their support. Two of my friends cried because of that treatment. As for me... well, I'm just glad that finally I had the courage to actually stand up for what's right. God I can't believe that there still people like those two left in this world.

Please god... give them the true light of Iman. Amin

Exam week.

Exam week has started so I expect A lot of the gang's blogs are rather outdated at the mo'. I'm just glad that I'm taking 12 credit hours this sem. Less exams! WOOHOO!

And now I'm celebrating coz my Desktop assignment is OVER! YEAH!

Oh yeah... Don't watch the movie 'Cursed'. It sucks. Totally not Wes Craven's usual standard. Watch 'Be Cool'. It's so... Cool!

I know you guys may be wondering whether I'm studying. I am, I am. Just need some break once in a while. Sides I still need to go to the office to finish up on Quality Quest's Special Edition newsletter. YAWN!

Gotta go. Need to reacquainte myself with old friends.

Please Yourself

You can never please people, No matter how hard you try. It's always been a bad idea to please everybody so you're better off putting yourself first no matter what happens.No, you're not being selfish or greedy or opportunistic but merely trying to survive in this dog-eat-dog world. Coz in the end you can never totally win.Why am I being pessimistic? Why the negativity? Well... its neither of those things really. Just relaying the cold hard truth. Nothing but the facts.

Just when you think that everything is going along fine you'd get run over by incidents that you weren't aware of before. Things that you're supposed to know but due to cultural and psychological barriers it was kept from you. So in the end you're suffering. BIG TIME! The irony of it all is that the barriers were meant to protect you. Not hurt you. Just so you know, it hurt me. It hurt me A LOT!

BUt then, out of respect you try to please them thinking that it'll all be better in the end. But no... it just adds up to everything. Now the problem comes from YOU. You're the one changing things. You're the one that's making people talk and comment. You're the one that's wrong. Now when did that come about? Just because things aren't the same any more and people tend to comment about it so the cause of the problem is you? Someone enlighten me please!


'Every man is an island'. A statement that rings true. In the old days people stick together to survive the forces of nature. But now sticking together could mean the end of you. No wonder there's more hermits in the world than ever before. Being in solitude definitely has its perks. No commitments. Just you and the world. I no longer believe in the best friend system. There are only good friends and possibly close friends. Best friends to me are just myths that people make up to feel a sense of solidarity outside the circle of family and loved ones. The days of best friends have perished with the death of the last 'Sahabah'. They were best friends in the truest sense of the word. Show me a friend like one of the sahabah and I shall eat back all my words and that's a promise.

Though my resolve is made but there's this niggling doubt in my heart asking could it just be me? My way of thinking? Maybe I'm on a level that is not parallel to others. My ideals being different. Someone once mentioned that I'm like an old soul with a youth's mind and body.COuld that be the real cause of my heartache? Could that be the reason why I'm so misunderstood or misunderstand others in return?

Or is it because I have now left the 'comfort years' in my life? The years in which I can be carefree and everything is provided for me. Did reality come too soon?

These questions is constantly going on in my head. Answers that I can only obtain if I go directly to the source-the people that made me ponder all these things in the first place. But I know I probably won't be satisfied anyways. This problem is like a vicious ghost that'll just keep haunting you no matter what you do

So in the end I'm back to my first conclusion which is you can never plese anyone but yourself. If you try to please everybody you'll end up destroying yourself. If you wanna survive you just have to do what's best and what's best for you does not necessarily mean it's best for everybody. Those who can't accept this will just have to learn to cope with it.

"Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation. It is better be alone than in bad company."-George Washington

PHOTOS

I know that I promised to post this up sooner but somehow my KEMALASAN got the better of me. So this is the links to all the photos that I took from BENL activities and Pics of people in BENL. Ur welcome to help urself to them and add to them if you want. There's pics from the ELC gathering, Nusantara Week and some others. Enjoy!

BENL PICS

Disappointment

It sucks having people let you down. It sucks even more when its something that you've been lookingg forward to for ages and suddenly plans have to be altered. It sucks most when the person that you really depend on is the one that lets you down.

Though you probably cant blame the person. You can never force somebody to do something when they're not in the mood. But can you blame me if I feel this way. Especially when you're led to expect that you can always rely on the somebody. And they'll always be there for you.

How would it feel if that someone says to you 'Aww. I'm just not in the mood. You go enjoy yourself.' How am I suppose to enjoy myself when I've been let down? And the reason that you've been let down is because they're not in the mood.

So don't blame me for feeling this way. It's only expected. I didn't force you to do what I wanted you to do so don't force me to pretend like nothing happened.

I never thought...

I never thought that someday I'd actually be doing... FILING. Probably the most tedious and cerewet job that you'd ever get. Imagine how much fun (read this with as much sarcasm as you could muster) I'm having sorting different sorts of papers into categories and putting them into files. It'll help a lot if the subjects on the paper weren't so ambigious so I could actually file them correctly. It's like filing a stone in either 'things that can hurt you' or 'hard object'. I salute to all secretaries everywhere who actually do this for a living. (SALUTE)

Quality Day today and I expect all classes after Friday prayers is cancelled. Always good news for us students if any class is cancelled. The idea that the semester is coming to an end is something that I really look forward to but EXAMS? No Way! Why must we have exams? Why? Why? Why? I hate exams.

My first exam is this coming Monday. Arabic speaking. Oh Boy! I wonder what kind of crap is actually gonna spill out of my mouth. I think I'm probably the worst student in the class but the Ustaz is too polite to actually say so. Please God, I really need you help for this. I need the POWER of ARABIC SPEECH! I just hope my roommates wont throttle me first with my arabic practices this weekend. It's either they throttle me to shut me up or die laughing at the bullshit thats spewing out of my mouth :P

Matt is headed back to Kedah at this vey moment. Hurmmpphh! Tapi... bagus juga. At least no distraction for me to practice Arabic. Waaa... this is gonna be a loooooooonnnnnnnggg weekend!!

Hide And Seek

'Hide and Seek' is a crappy movie. Don't watch it especially if you've watched 'Secret Window'. Why Robert De Niro Acted in that movie would always be a mystery to me.

The past shall haunt you...

"The past shall return to haunt you." God! How true is that. I've never felt the true power of those words before this and now I'm on the receiving end of it.

I never knew the naivety and stupidity of a girl, fresh out of high school and never had a boyfriend before, would actually come back and taunt me. I call them my 'Blind Days'

I just didnt realise that I was in a snag that would eat me up alive for years afterwards. I was blind for actually falling for a guy like him and stupid for actually ignoring the warnings of my friends. Until that very day my eyes was finally wrenched open and at last I could finally free myself from his cluthes. I could see there and then who the guy really was... a lying, cheating (the girl dumped him though and to this very day this thought just fills me up with glee), and undoubtedly useless guy who probably went out with me just because I was stupid enough to lend him money (which he hasn't paid back yet). But still emotionally I was quite bound. He was my first boyfriend and you can never forget your first love.

Love? Yeah right! It was probably more of a relationship to fit in and be accepted more than anything else really but still... I was bound. I only managed to free myself completely after a rebound relationship which turned into a real one. And for that I have to thank the guy although it didn't work out in the end. Rebounds never do.

*sigh* I thought that this incident was over. I don't have to ever bother myself about that piece of crap anymore (boyfriend number 1). I was wrong. DEAD WRONG! Yeah I've been seeing him round campus lately since he has another girlfriend from UIA now. But we pretty much ignore eac other and go our seperate ways. Yes I loathe him and yes I wish to do him bodily harm but I didnt think that the girl that he's with would appreciate me beating him to a pulp or suddenly marching up to him demanding my money back. So since I left him alone the least he could do was leave me alone. After all this thing had happened years ago.

But no... I think he's determined to screw up my life. I see that there's vicious lies about spreading from his friends or it could be just one person or possibly it could be him. Too chicken to actually start a ruckus himself. Whoever that person is the rumours are vicious.

Then again, I'm not bothered for they are after all vicious lies and they have nothing against me. No proof, no conviction. Just spite and the need to create mayhem in someone else's life. Well... you can say whatever you want but they're nothing more than words that'll just disappear like smoke. So whoever is doing it don't waste your time. They're not gonna hurt me and I know those who have faith in me will ignore it too.

Thanks though to those who have stood up for me. Appreciate the thought. But those brainless numbskulls are just waiting for a reason to attack and I think the best way is to ignore them. They'll soon run out of steam and in the end they'll just look like a bunch of brainless idiots who have no life except trying to ridicule the girls who dumped them. And you wonder why these girls dumped them (please note the heavy sarcasm here!).

But seriously thanks a lot to those who backed me up whoever you are. But let's not stoop to their level. They're just scum that lives off the shit of animals like pigs and the dung beetle. As long as people like you guys are still around then nothing can hurt me.

Off center?

Last night I was enlightened by someone that a certain of mine could actually be suffering from extreme depression or better known as manic depression. Since the play 'Off Centre" that we were studying in class was about 'off centre' people so naturally the guy started to talk about the symptoms that one who suffered from this illness have. And suprisingly this friend of mine do portray most of the symptoms. And what struck me the most then was when the guy said that sometimes these people don't even realise that they suffer from the illness.

Damn! Quite scary huh? Sometimes I wonder whether I portray these symptoms too without me realising it. What I do know is that I have the tendency to talk to myself sometimes :P Yes... what a lonely and pityful life I lead. But I find talking to myself clears my head and it makes me think straight. Does that make me 'off centre'? Hmmm...

Neways today is the day of the date and I'm excited. So excited that I decided to some to work early but to find that Dr. Nora is on MC. So now I have to find time to kill time till 12. I can't stay here since I'm not doing anything. I'm mostly doing secretarial job nowadays since I'm done with Quality Quest. Maybe I'll go to the library and use the computers there. I hate wasting time but what to do. Malas nak ulang alik to my room.

There'll be a Study in Canada Fair on the 6th and 7th. I'm gonna check it out. It'll be cool to study in Canada. I really wanna have the experience of actually studying abroad. My childhood experiences don't count since I only followed my dad. If I get to go then it'll be an experience all on my own. That is so exciting!

Neways I have to ciao now. Don't want them to think that I'm yaking advantage of my position as a research assistant to misuse the office's net connection.

The beauty of it all...

I've always liked Friday prayers although I don't go to them myself but I find myself enjoying the time during Friday prayers. Why?... for one thing the guys are so smartly dressed that it's just so hard to actually look away. Now would be the time when 'sampins' and 'songkets' all come out. Baju Melayu, jubah, kopiah, ties all being smartly clad by guys although you still have to put up with an eyesore or two with guys wearing complete rubbish to prayers. What the hell were they thinking wearing imprints of marijuana and words saying 'I'm a sex freak' to prayers. All I can say to that is Boy... you're dumb. You're supposed to salute God in that!

ANother reason why I like Friday prayers so much is that it brings out all sorts of people together. Walking past the Masjid during Friday Prayers is so cool. You'd get to see all sorts of nationality jumbled up togther and all sorts of national costumes in varying degrees of colours all moving in unison. It looks so peaceful but strong in a way. United. If only all Muslims were that way. The Masjid was definitely jam packed and there were people who were praying on the pavement outside the mosque. You pity them but somehow you salute them for actually doing it. No matter how late they are they still went for prayers. Gotta give them credit at least for that. There's still people who were openly not going to Friday Prayers.

Come on la People! It's like once a week. If you're like unwilling to hear the sermons just at least go for the prayers. You guys have that privilege. We women don't. There were guys just now who were still loitering around HS square even though the prayers have long started. Tak tahu Malu ke? Sedih! Sedih! What's even sadder is that they were Malays. Such an embarassment to the race.

Another reason why I love Friday prayers is that everything seems to be peaceful for a while coz all the guys are in the Masjid. Suddenly we have HS to ourselves and we can lepak however we want. I always feel that the world becomes quieter somehow and at times I wish that the prayers would be longer. Not that I don't like the guy's company but yeah... it'd be nice if they'd just leave for an hour or two so that us girls can enjoy.

Neways just got out from an interesting talk by Frank Lim this theatre guy and I am now definitely contemplating to stage Haresh Sharma's 'Off Centre'. That Play is so cool. I already have in mind what I wanna do with te sets and costumes and I already can picture several people playing parts already. All I need now is money! MONEY! MONEY!

I envy Singaporeans who get so much grants for arts. But then it's true what that guy said. Singapore is a country which is the size of a pinhead on the world's map so they can afford to support the arts. Not like Malaysia.

Takpe... takpe... I'll be the new revolutionary theater activist in Malaysia and someday I will conquer the theatre industry and then the world. MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

What a week!

Life has been pretty uneventful lately. So uneventful that all I can do right now to while away the boredom is stuff myself. I feel like a pig. I really have got to do something with my weight. I AM FAT!!!! Not only that I have to getrashes on my legs too. It probably wouldn't be so bad if it didn't itch all the time and spread faster if I scratched it. AAARRRGGGHHH!! Why?Why?WHY??

Yeah I know I sound like a complaining, whining bitch but what the heck . Since life is so boring right now at least I could derive some pleasure moaning about the pains in my life. Neway me got to go. Meeting the love of my life for our routine dinner every Tuesday and Thursday. As much as I love him and all but the routine that we have has now become too... routine.

Can't wait for our date on Saturday.

We definitely need to work on our attitudes.

Finally a section for semantics is opened but somehow it clashes with my arabic listening. So I had to drop Arabic and now I can't get into another section since it's friggin full. I had to reserve but I have a feeling I have to do it manually anyways during sem 3. This really sucks. I hate UIA. I can't wait to graduate.

Last night was the final staging of 'Hungry' in UIA and I guess it was quite a success. Although it did not rival the success of Midsummer (1st staging) but they definitely came close (Nak menang jugak :P). Again I must say that I'm impressed with their creativity. That is one aspect that I dont think that I can rival. But sad to say that some actors became a bit overconfident a little too soon and their performance last night was not as impressive as the night before but all in all it was still a fun play to watch.

I had fun too since I got more time to do the makeup and need not rush through the whole thing. So most of them look better (or should I say horrible) and scarier than before. I'm especially proud of my makeup of Mug the monk. It was fun pouring 'sirap' all over his face. Fierah said that they had an offer to perform in UUM, all I can say to that is GO FOR IT! Although sadly I may not be around to actually help out anymore. UIA's theater scene has definitely taken a turn for the better. So watch out Malaysia! Here comes UIA's theater troupe. WooHoo!

Though I must say that management definitely needs to be a little bit more 'organised'. I know that somebody might say "Eleh, she's Matt's girlfriend so mesti she's been fed all this story by him." Well BULLSHIT to that. This is my own personal observation so if anybody have a problem with it come to me straight and don't aim it at anyone else but me. I have my own brains.

I just think that the director and the producer should at least learn to express gratitude to those who actually helped out although they're not directly in the committee. These people are helping out because they want to and because friends are involved. So it shouldn't be too hard for the director to actually come down from that 'high place' and say thanks now would it? Azreen and I helped out for the makeup and for me the gratitude and expressed by the cast and the other crews was the best thing that I could receive during the two nights. But I feel unwelcomed when the director totally ignores my presence and not even mutter a reluctant thanks afterwards. Although I have to thank Fierah for making me feel like a part of the team. Thanks a bunch Fie!!

I dunno... I have to admit that I miss being part of the action of a production. I miss feeling the pressure of opening night and the anxiety whether the audience would like the play. Kaled mentioned that he's gonna produce in sem 3. I'm already in it. Maybe acting maybe backstage but definitely a part of the team. Can't wait for that. I'll definitely miss being in uni. Saying that the idea of graduating feels so depressing. Ack! I don't wanna think about it. I'm confused!

Anyways... now I hafta overcome this laziness of mine and actually get started on my long overdue assignment of World lit. DEADLINE IS MONDAY! AAARRRGGGHHH! Why am I so malas?

Pre-REG SUCKS!

I've been wasting my credit(well... not exactly wasting since it is for my education) since yesterday trying to find people who shares the same predicament as I am due to UIA and its friggin rules. You wanna know what predicament I'm in? Nothing disciplinary mind you but who knows maybe I'd just break a rule (yeah as if I havent done that before) just to be called in to Stadd. Build up my rep a bit. :)

But anyways back to my predicament. I'm supposed to be graduating in sem 3 and to do that I hafta complete 2 more subject which is arabic listening and semantics. Please don't ask me why I didn't take semantics earlier coz I've been getting that question all day and I'm sick of it. I didn't take it because... it didn't fit into my schedule. DUH! So the big prob was SEMANTICS was not offered. NO! I don't wanna waste another semester here just because of semantics.

What to do? what to do? what to do? Pre REG was at 5 and I hafta settle everything by then. Meet Subra, find and rally people to take semantics, persuade the department to open up a section. Now I wish that I was Wonder Woman or something. It's a drag that I end up sleepy every night by 10.30pm out of exhaustion. I hafta get my work done.

Luckily God still loves me. I remembered that a senior of mine wanted to take semantics so at least I'm not alone. Then she told me that her friend wanted to semantics too. Hope is rising steadily! Then Kaled said he wanted to take semantics too and so did Azanee. So now I have enough ammo to actually persuade (force is more like it) to open up a section. I just hope that wecan gather more people who'd actually make the group a little larger. I'm worried that they might close the section again.

So after all that worrying, discussion, rallying, going up and down the department everything is settled. Dr. Umar promised that he'll settle everything with Stadd and I hafta check out tommorrow whether the section is opened. Yey!! Oh and Thanks Sheens for registering for me. Love ya. Looking forward to Arabic listening with ya!

Now I'm just slightly nervous about Hungry Ghost makeup. Last time we just did it in a whole lotta rush. I knew some makeup sucked but I hope this time I can do better. I already did some sketches so I hope I just get enough time to do them. I'm so proud of my stranger. He looks so good on stage. He's so YUMMY!

However I was impressed with the whole presentation of the play. It was really good. Even I couldn't come up with an idea like that. Thumbs up for all involved. Anyways have to rush back. Need to start on my world lit assignment. Ack... AGONY!!!!

Boss woes...

I just got my first taste of being given a critical evaluation by a noss. Aaarggghhh. Never thought that it'd happen so soon.

There I was chatting away with Dr. Nora and Mei when Jeng... Jeng... Jeng! HE suddenly came in. I have never spoken to him before other than that initial introduction so you could guess how nervous I was. I mean COME ON! The BIG BOSS is right there with me.

Everything was fine until he spotted the first draft of QQ9. Oh No! Alamak. Why la of all times he decides to join in for a chat he had to pick a time when we were going through the QQ9.

Then it started... why this? why that? what's this? what's that? You shouldn't do this.... it should be like that... bla bla bla bla bla. No matter what I SAY IT'S JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH! (scream!) I felt like a dwarf being scolded for not being short enough.

So that's what working world is really like. hmm...

IF my real self were to surface at that time I'd be saying things like... "Hello! Why does this thing be so boring? You people don't have a life is it? A simple mind game pun takleh. What lah!" But thank god I kept my mouth shut. If not I'll probably be waving goodbye to QAU by now.

Anyways... just wanna wish happy new year to Chinese everywhere. and Happy Hols to all UIA-ans. As for me I'll be headed to dullsville aka Manal, Tanah Merah Kelantan. There's nothing to do there!! Bosan!! I can't live without Astro! Waaaaaa!!!!

Ruining everything....

So he wants his space? Fine then I'll give it to him. But I hate this. I hate the fact there's matters that went unresolved between us. I hate the fact that its me, myself who is doing things that is ruining this relationship.

Why? Why does it always happen like this? I know that I am so in love with this guy and yet I pick on the most trivial of matters and enlarge it until it becomes an issue on which my whole life depends on. I was told that if two people who were in love spend so much time with each other probems would usually arise from things that people usually don't think twice about. And that is exactly what's happening between us. And most of the time I'd be the one who'd nitpick. Finding faults and starting arguments.

Know the saying "the past shall come back and haunt you"? That's exactly the case here. My past is still haunting me. Making me feel scared. Vulnerable. Ashamed. You can never erase your past. It'll be there always to remind you of all the things that you're definitely want to forget. And just when you thought that you have finally put your past to rest it resurfaces, opening up old wounds, releasing all the emotions that you never ever want to feel again.

My tears are my constant companion nowadays. Releasing in me my desperateness, my pain, my fears. I know that no one could possibly understand how I feel. Maybe I'm destined to be a loner. Forever wandering, searching for someone who could reach out and hold my hand. But when I do grasp a hand I know that my inner demons would make me hold back and finally let go of the hand which is ready to offer me salvation.

But luckily God is merciful. He still loves me. I have noticed that even during my times of despair there would be little things happening around me that would lift my spirits and give me a flicker of hope. In tonight's case... it came in the form of my favourite animal. The cat. A beautiful stray cat which I took care of last semester but moved on when a new owner offered him better food than I did. He came back to me today. He's still here right now, keeping me company. A strange coincidence perhaps but a very welcomed one.

Right now all I ask of God is to give me strength to battle my inner demons and give him patience to bear with me a while longer. Give me time to sort out all the mess that's inside my head. And I thank God for giving me someone that could bear with me and putting up with all the shit that I'm putting him through. I also ask God to give me strength for today I shall reveal to him something that I've been hiding all this while. Something that I've been desperately trying to forget. I just hope that by revealing it he'll finally understand all the things that I'm going through right now.

Professionalism

I'm supposed to be in class right now but what the heck. I just don't feel like going today. Editing is interesting but with the wrong lecturer... erk!

It's kinda nice playing hooky once in a while (once in a while for me would be like-every other day:P). I'm getting kinda fed up with all this routineness. Get up... class... work... and back again. Urgh! Why lah something exciting don't happen to me!

Checked out Hungry Ghost rehearsals last nite. I must say that I've seen better management before. A friend of mine mentioned that some people are born actors while others are born managers (backstage, producer, office... and so on, so forth). Well... let's just say that I don't think the director is not a manager. I could be wrong since I only went to the rehearsals once but then again I think any experienced theatre enthusiast would probably agree with me. But to stick to my new motto 'Being POSITIVE', who knows maybe they'll buck up and give a fantastic show this coming Valentines although I have a teeny bit of doubt (Hey-I'm trying okay!) And although its cool to work with your friend because they're people who you're comfy with but professionalism should always be put in perspective here. Differentiate work from play and things will definitely look better. Anyways I just wanna say GAMBATE! to the crew and can't wait the performance.

During the rehearsal itself I saw more evidence on why most men are jerks (and this includes the love of my life too-at times). Why can't guys just treat us girls with a little more respect. And GIRLS... PLEASE... show yourself a little respect too. If you see yourself with a guy who hits on your best friend then dump him. He's definitely not worth the time and the effort. Every girl definitely deserve far better than an asshole like that (Especially if he's a downright weirdo who carries an umbrella around all the time like a walking stick). This jerkness is like innate. It happened so far back in history that somehow I think there's just no hope for MAN-kind anymore. It's even apparent in the epic of Ramayana & Sita which is the oldest surviving book in the entire world. Men is so boggling sometimes. No wonder Sheena actually turned prop-feminist. In a way I think she's probably doing the right thing.

But still... no matter how much you hate them, you just can't run away from them. As the saying goes 'can't live with them, can't live without them.'

Love...

Have you ever loved someone up to a point where it hurts?

Have you ever loved someone up to a point that it becomes scary because now your whole life centers around that person. Now you're afraid that you'd do something that might take away this someone. Or you're scared that someday the person might look at you and say that maybe the relationship was meant to be.

People say never ever let your heart be dominated by a love towards another. But how can you control your heart? You may be able to control your feelings but if the feelings are there all you can do is deal with it.

Right now I am in love with this fantastic guy. Someone who I never thought I could possibly be with. He's smart, sweet, intelligent, caring... everything a girl could possibly wish for and yet I am scared. I fear that someday I will be hurt again by this guy to whom I have given my heart to.

I know I should be happy. I should embrace the fact that I finally have found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. In a way I am. But deep down inmy heart the fear lurks. And it surfaces every now and then. And its during those times that trouble usually happens. Sometimes I feel as though I welcome ttrouble. Sometimes this sick person inside of me just cherishes the idea that its better if I hurt him rather then he hurting me.

I have come to depend on him. Emotionally. Physically. And again that scares me. I have always prided myself on being independant. And when this person comes along it feels nice to lean back and relax but the idea of letting my guard down is another terrifying matter. I am so scared to actually let him in.

And yet this contadictory part inside me knows that without him my life is worthless. And that part of me will die out leaving me an empty shell.

Is this what love does to you? To be emotionally unbalanced that your mind spins and your life passing by in just a blur.

I am so much in love... that I cannot deny. My heart belongs to him and it'll probably stay that way until the day I die.

I love you Mohamad Ezamir Azral.

I love you
because the Earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
sometimes
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm

Nikki Giovanni (1943– )