Tuesday, February 01, 2005


Have you ever loved someone up to a point where it hurts?

Have you ever loved someone up to a point that it becomes scary because now your whole life centers around that person. Now you're afraid that you'd do something that might take away this someone. Or you're scared that someday the person might look at you and say that maybe the relationship was meant to be.

People say never ever let your heart be dominated by a love towards another. But how can you control your heart? You may be able to control your feelings but if the feelings are there all you can do is deal with it.

Right now I am in love with this fantastic guy. Someone who I never thought I could possibly be with. He's smart, sweet, intelligent, caring... everything a girl could possibly wish for and yet I am scared. I fear that someday I will be hurt again by this guy to whom I have given my heart to.

I know I should be happy. I should embrace the fact that I finally have found someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. In a way I am. But deep down inmy heart the fear lurks. And it surfaces every now and then. And its during those times that trouble usually happens. Sometimes I feel as though I welcome ttrouble. Sometimes this sick person inside of me just cherishes the idea that its better if I hurt him rather then he hurting me.

I have come to depend on him. Emotionally. Physically. And again that scares me. I have always prided myself on being independant. And when this person comes along it feels nice to lean back and relax but the idea of letting my guard down is another terrifying matter. I am so scared to actually let him in.

And yet this contadictory part inside me knows that without him my life is worthless. And that part of me will die out leaving me an empty shell.

Is this what love does to you? To be emotionally unbalanced that your mind spins and your life passing by in just a blur.

I am so much in love... that I cannot deny. My heart belongs to him and it'll probably stay that way until the day I die.

I love you Mohamad Ezamir Azral.

I love you
because the Earth turns round the sun
because the North wind blows north
because the Pope is Catholic
and most Rabbis Jewish
because winters flow into springs
and the air clears after a storm

Nikki Giovanni (1943– )

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