Thursday, February 03, 2005

Ruining everything....

So he wants his space? Fine then I'll give it to him. But I hate this. I hate the fact there's matters that went unresolved between us. I hate the fact that its me, myself who is doing things that is ruining this relationship.

Why? Why does it always happen like this? I know that I am so in love with this guy and yet I pick on the most trivial of matters and enlarge it until it becomes an issue on which my whole life depends on. I was told that if two people who were in love spend so much time with each other probems would usually arise from things that people usually don't think twice about. And that is exactly what's happening between us. And most of the time I'd be the one who'd nitpick. Finding faults and starting arguments.

Know the saying "the past shall come back and haunt you"? That's exactly the case here. My past is still haunting me. Making me feel scared. Vulnerable. Ashamed. You can never erase your past. It'll be there always to remind you of all the things that you're definitely want to forget. And just when you thought that you have finally put your past to rest it resurfaces, opening up old wounds, releasing all the emotions that you never ever want to feel again.

My tears are my constant companion nowadays. Releasing in me my desperateness, my pain, my fears. I know that no one could possibly understand how I feel. Maybe I'm destined to be a loner. Forever wandering, searching for someone who could reach out and hold my hand. But when I do grasp a hand I know that my inner demons would make me hold back and finally let go of the hand which is ready to offer me salvation.

But luckily God is merciful. He still loves me. I have noticed that even during my times of despair there would be little things happening around me that would lift my spirits and give me a flicker of hope. In tonight's case... it came in the form of my favourite animal. The cat. A beautiful stray cat which I took care of last semester but moved on when a new owner offered him better food than I did. He came back to me today. He's still here right now, keeping me company. A strange coincidence perhaps but a very welcomed one.

Right now all I ask of God is to give me strength to battle my inner demons and give him patience to bear with me a while longer. Give me time to sort out all the mess that's inside my head. And I thank God for giving me someone that could bear with me and putting up with all the shit that I'm putting him through. I also ask God to give me strength for today I shall reveal to him something that I've been hiding all this while. Something that I've been desperately trying to forget. I just hope that by revealing it he'll finally understand all the things that I'm going through right now.

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