Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Insomnia's dillemma!

I tried calling Matt a while back and I couldn't get through. I'm trying to be careful with telephone usage nowadays since mom has been dropping hints about the phone bill. Erk! But sheer boredom made me pick up the phone and call him. I just need to do something or have someone to talk to. But alas! Can't get through so here I am typing away aimlessly. His birthday is coming up this Thursday though and he's FINALLY turning 20!

I'm in love with Matt and I think that he's like the greatest guy I've ever met but I must admit that him being 19 somewhat bothers me. All this while I've been thinking of myself as a liberal thinking girl and I try to take things with an open mind but somehow this matter bothers me. I'll be happier if he was 20 rather than 19.

I guess its because I've been brought up in a society where traditionally its preferable that guys should be older. Even in religion girls are asked to find a guy who are older than they are. Reason: girls mature faster than guys. In a way its true. But there are cases where this is the opposite like with Matt. Certain times he's proven himself to be way more mature than most guys his age. He looks more matured too. I have a friend who thought that he was already working. It's the 'MALAY' in me. Susah sikit nak terima:P

I dont think its the looks that bothers me but more towards where we are in life right now that bothers me. I'll be graduating in sem 3 and he'll still be in uni. To me somehow that just doesn't feel right. The thing is I've been trying to shake this feeling off but I can't and that bothers me even more. I guess in this relationship of mine that'll be the biggest obstcale that I have to face. Age.

Confusion is what I mostly feel at the moment. I'm confused why I'm feeling this way and what I should do about it. I know that people nowadays doesn't care about age anymore but why does it bother me? Even my family sems cool with it. I just can't understand it.

Despite all the apprehension, confusion and doubt I know that I love that guy and that no matter what I'm gonna try to make this relationship work. He means more to me that what mere numbers represent. I guess its that contradictory nature in me. Like I always say to people... I'm a head full of ironies and a body full of contradictions.

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