Monday, January 31, 2005


I just can't help it times but I am definitely a full blown pessimist. I have all these negative thoughts in my head that even the littlest things can be blown up to extraordinary proportions. I'm shaping myself to turn out like the grinch who stole christmas.

The thing was I was not this way before. I wonder how I suddenly developed this kind of thinking?

My relationship with Matt is probably the most affected by all this negativity. Everytime we fight I start thinking 'Is this gonna happen again?' or 'will our relationship last when all we do is fight?'

I dunno... there's just so many issues in my head that I feel as if I'm just bringing the guy too much trouble for him too handle. It's like when bad things happen between us, a part of me wants to push him away so that he won't see what a wreck I am inside and this other part of me just wants to hold on to him and never let go. See what I mean by me having this internal conflict? I definitely think that I am a psycho in some ways.

I wish that somehow I could rewire my brain to think more positively in matters. I guess there has been too much shit happening around me that my brain just becomes cynical and my heart refuses to see the positive things in life.*sigh*

The ironic thing is right now is that I'm working on the Quality Quest which has a theme of "Positive Ideas". I'm doing articles telling people how to be positive and yet I'm not practicing what I preach. Irony... Irony... Irony...

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