MERDEKA for a hypocrite!

It's the eve of Merdeka and I bet that half the young Malaysians population has probably made plans for the night. And if they havent there's plenty of activity going around town tonight, the biggest would be the Merdeka countdown concert in KLCC and of course THE Merdeka event which is the countdown in Dataran Merdeka. As for me... I only wish that I could go and watch the happenings but minus the crowds. I HATE crowds. I hate being pushed about by other people(coz I'm a midget u see at being only 5 feet tall) and I hate the heat not to mention the smell. Phew! How can those people stand it is still a miracle to me. It's because of this that I usually avoid crowded places and events. If I had to go I'd rather stay on the sidelines, thank you! But by not going to the Merdeka parade I wont be able to see the fireworks display. The inner child in me screams with frustration! It sucks that fireworks has been banned coz nowadays Raya and other festive occasions just dont feel right. I guess I was lucky coz I managed to experience the days when fireworks was still legal. Now we just have to smuggle :P

Back to the Merdeka thing, I seriously dont know how many of us truly understand the real meaning of Merdeka. I dont think I do either. All I know is that this was the day in 1957 that Malaysia was liberated from the British Empire. I think I speak on behalf of most teens that this is basically all that we know. For me Merdeka doesn't mean much except for what the media feeds us. Nowadays Merdeka is a holiday where we're supposed to promote racial harmony, watch great ads made especially for Merdeka and of course shout MERDEKA at the top of our voices as soon as the clock hits 12 on 31st August. Seriously that doesn't sound much like Merdeka at all. Why do what the media tells us. Why can't we celebrate uniquely in our own way?

So what is MERDEKA? Are we truly MERDEKA? One thing for sure I know I'm not. For me Merdeka is being free from the constraints and bonds that holds you back and I think everybody is still bound by their own private noose. As I said to Sheena last night I think I was born in the wrong country. My ways of thinking, my actions, my ideas are not of this country. They're too radical, too forward and definitely not Asian. For me my constraint is the ideal of having to be the perfect malay girl. I dont know what happened but I grew up far from being the perfect malay girl. I'm a loudmouth, opinionated, go-getter and definitely do not like restraints that the Malay society holds on girls. Call me feminists but the phrase 'Girls should be seen and not heard' doesn't hold a thing on me. But then being the hypocrite that I am, I act this image out to a tee whenever I'm in front of my mom and my family. ALthough I still have my core personality when I'm with then but I feel suppressed and wished that I could just break free. Why can't I liberate myself? I want to be Merdeka too!

I dream that someday I could go somewhere and truly be myself. I'd go somewhere where nobody knows who I am and there no one would criticize or comment. There I would never be a hypocrite. BUt as for now... I shall continually be honing my acting skills by being one personality when I'm in campus and another when I'm at home. *sigh*