Sanity check

Classes starting again in a few day... whoopee!

Erqk! WRONG! I don't want to go back to uni! *whining*.

I haven't fully enjoyed my time off yet and now I have to go back to the hellhole and start bullying my brains to churn out academically based stuff. Aaarggghhh!! Why? Why? Why? I swear to GOD that after I finish off my thesis I'm gonna take a LOOOONG break and nothing and noone can stop me. How can certain people stand studying ALL the time? Don't they at least get a little depressed?

Depression... the main reason why I was silent for so long. I'm a little okay now but would a couple more semesters be the downfall of me. Me actually getting A FULL BLOWN DEPRESSION? It's a truly scary thought. Depression at the (not so) tender age of 23. *shudder*

Seriously I just can't wait to finish off my Masters. PhD can just wait. I value my sanity even more.

What's up with Asian chicks?

I've just watched episode 9 of America's Next Top Model 7. There's another Asian chick but this time she's Indian. So yeah for sure I was rooting for a fellow Asian though I didn't really see what Tyra meant that she was SOO beautiful that it was scary and that she was too beautiful at times. Maybe I'm used to seeing pretty Indian girls back here in Malaysia that she's just borderline average to me. I seriously thought that the last Asian girl, Gina, was like any other chinese ah moi if she were to come to Ipoh. It's kinda weird seeing the judges raving on and on about her cheekbones and stuff when I see far prettier chinese girls at the wet market. But then again, Westerners have always been into the "Orient". It's a fascination towards the so-called "other", you know all that bullshit that anything that doesn't look and think like them is therefore weird. But I'm not gonna go into all that shit right now. I'll probably end up writing my thesis here.

What I wanna write about is the fact that these Asian girls, considered BEAUTIFUL by their white & black contemporaries just don't think of themselves as beautiful. Gina, the Korean, was chucked out after 3 episodes because she was so insecure about herself. And this Anchal girl was kicked out after the 7th episode for the exact same reason. I kinda knew she was gonna get chucked out sooner or later. Luckily it was a lot later than the Korean girl. I just don't get why she didn't think herself pretty. She considered herself fat and ugly. Yeah she was curvier than the other girls but HELLO! Asian women have always been curvy. And she wasn't fat at all.

I think those two girls are so brainwashed by the stereotype beauty of the West that they just don't realise their own uniqueness. I was so embarassed for the two girls that I was actually cringeing whenever I watched them humiliate themselves. But most of all I was disappointed that they gave up halfway. They claimed that they wanna model more than anything but they gave up when the going got tough. I mean what the hell?!! You don't give up. If you give up when you got that far might as well not enter at all. Sheesh!

I have a friend who's beautiful, confident and has a great personality to boot but she was rejected for a local reality show, Malaysia's Most Beautiful, just because she didn't conform to the stereotype beauty that Malaysian media wants. When somebody even halfway decent comes along they get rejected straight away. What's with that? I hate that girl who won Malaysia's Most beautiful. I think she's a bitch.

I just hope that one day there will be a contestant that would actually does Asian folks proud. I dont think I can go through another cringeworthy episode of an Asian chick making an ass of herself either on local TV or an International one.

Skin Issues

Was watching the 2006 American Music Awards (AMA) last night and there is one thing I've got to comment.... they SUCK singing live. I've always been a fan of the song 'Buttons' but that night's performance was bleargh to say the least. Even their dancing didn't save them, one of them actually fell off a chair while dancing. I guess the only thing they could do was just be as sexually provocative as possible, though in my opinion with the awful singing going on it was probably impossible to achieve.

Still what got my attention the most (other than that awful singing) was the backup dancers. Have you ever noticed that when white singers perform their dancers are sexy but understatedly so but when black singers perform their dancers actually toe the line of being naked. I'm not generalising here, I mean there's plenty of black singers who are ok and there's white singers who actually cover what's 'necessary' too, but then if you watch MTV you'll know what I mean. I was watching Gwen Stefani perform and her dancers were decked out in babydoll dresses but when Jay-Z performed his dancers were in micro-bikinis.

I know plenty of parents that blocks MTV and Channel V so that their kids don't watch them. And I don't blame them really. Even at my age, I avoid watching those channels when my mom is around. Damn embarassing! Some of the performers might as well put out porn videos and call them their music videos. But then again... Sex sells nowadays. I mean just look at Nelly Furtado and Jewel, they sexed up their image just so that she can sell albums.

It's funny though these people would bite your head off if call them names (sluts, hoe, etc) but then they still insist to portray that image. Irony at it's best. It's their individual rights I guess...

Quoting Aristottle...

Anyone can become angry - that is easy.
but to be angry with the right person,
to the right degree,
at the right time
for the right purpose
and in the right way - that is not easy.
-aristotle-

I got this off from a friend. The words really struck me. Especially with the things that's going through my head right now. There's a lot of anger there and also ideas of getting even. Lots of stupid and ridiculous ideas of pushing people off a cliff or electrocuting somebody. Pretty bizarre ideas but mostly stuff that would inflict the most pain. You know, just so that people can feel the pain that I felt. But like I said... mostly delusional stuff that you have in your head. Things that you wish would happen but knows aint never gonna happen.

It sucks when things don't go your way. Especially if it goes the total opposite of how you really want to be. You try to accept it but seriously... as a human, how can you deal with something that hurts you and make you feel like crap at the same time? How can you bleed inside and pretend that it doesn't hurt? How can you not be angry and want to lash out at the person who did it to you?

But as Aristottle has said, to be angry at the right time, the right purpose and the right way is never an easy thing to do. Humans are at the very basic, an animal. Animals never have a logical approach to thing, all they do is lash out. And that's what you wanna do at first. You never think of doing something the right way. All you want to see is the exact same pain in the eyes of those who hurt you. Because at that moment that is what you feel is right. So why does something that feels so right can be so wrong?

It's wrong cause it wont solve anything. It'll just make it worse. All you get is satisfaction but oh, how the satisfaction satisfies...

Somehow it's just not worth it. A fleeting moment of satisfaction but countless hours of pain and agony. It just doesn't compare. As time passes by, you know that the only way to heal is to let time do its work. Again this sucks, humans dont really have the capability to sit still and do nothing. We were born to persevere and to never give up. When God gave us minds and intelligence, it was the greatest test that he had given on mankind. The test of using the mind wisely. As Aristottle would say... "in the right way." And in the case of anger, patience is the key. Hard to swallow but yet you have to do it.

It sucks... I know.