me...

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

My life

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

MY blogging personality

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Depression

What's important in a relationship? Honesty? Trust? Respect? Communication? Love? All of the above?

What if you had none? Would it still be a relationship?

what makes a relationship work? Would it work if only one side is doing all the work while the other just turns a blind eye?

All I ask for is openness. Push aside the anger and listen. And maybe... perhaps maybe you'll hear my pain.

Thanks friends...

I never realised that there were unseen people out there who cares. I gotta thank all of you. I was going through a really bad week and after seeing comments people left it was... uplifting.

BUt in truth... I have yet to find my zest for blogging. Or doing anything else for that matter. I dunno what's wrong so I don't know how to fix it. I worry, I ponder and I hope that I'll get out of this feeling.

But thanks people. Thanks for caring...

I REALLY HATE LIFE

It's been awhile...

Wow it's been awhile since I last updated. Why? A simple explanation. I was just LAZY. Besides there wasn't any interesting thing going on in my life that warranted a blog anyways. It was just an exhausting routine of going to work, working my ass of and then coming back and collapsing on the bed still in uniform just to wake up the next day and repeat the whole mundane activity.

Still... there were perks. I gathered close friends and we had a blast. Now that I'm here I hope the friendship will last too. Thankfully they're all in the KL area so it wouldn't be too hard to see them once in a while. *sigh*

I dunno why my heart is not into blogging anymore...

In fact my heart is not into most things any more...

Something is not right but I dont know what it is. God! Give me strength...

I'm a student again. But it's a whole different ball game now. No more playing. No more fooling around. It's time to gear up for MASTERS now. God! Give me strength...

Deeparaya

HAPPY DEEPAVALI & SELAMAT HARI RAYA!!!

Will I ever get connected again?

I'm kinda getting worried. I've been out of the studying and student environment for so long that I dont think I connect with that aspect of my life any longer. To tell you the truth I find the stuff being talked about as a student as somewhat trivial and immature.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

Yeah sure I love my days as a student but now thinking back I only see it as something that I've already went through and now I dunno if I want to go back. Life was simple and protected but also pathetically naive and sheltered. We don't live in the real world there.

Everytime I go to work I see the real problems people face. No money, job search, making ends meet, the problems of doing overtime and whatnots. Now I think back on the things I went through as a student it seems that they were all things that is so minute compared to the things I hear and see now. Will I ever connect with normal students again?

I'm not demeaning the problems that students face it's just that will I be able to shift my mind back to accept that the problems students face are just as traumatic to students as problems face by the working community. Knowing me I might be sarcastic enough to actually push away all my friends.

*sigh* I HATE MY SARCASTIC WIT AND BIG MOUTH!!

Come on... MOVE IT!!!

It's an off day today. Something that all TGV workers look forward to the whole week. It's the day where we don't have to dress up like penguins and shove popcorn all day or face hundreds of strangers demanding good seats or questioning why do ladies get rm2 off on a Tuesday.

So what do I do on an off day. I vegetate. Yep... the bed is my best friend on this particular day. After 6 straight days of being on my feet at ungodly hours this is the only day that I can catch up on my sleep. Sweet heavenly sleep bliss. Aaahhhh...

But you hafta wake up sometime. Today I had to wake up to cook for the family's buka puasa dinner (a practice run to prepare for Ramadhan), to send a long overdue letter to my penpal of 8 years and to secure a ticket to KL for the 10th (yey! I'm meeting up with Matt again!). But foolish of me I didn't even consider the fact that it's the end of the month (people are flush with money) therefore the post office was jam packed with people paying their bills. So there I was lining up with a SINGLE letter for 45 minutes.

What I dont get is how come people behind the counter just don't get that feeloing of urgency in trying to move things along when that tiny little post office was brimming with people (some even lined up outside the post office) and there they were dawdling along and even had time to joke around with buddies in between customers. It took all of my effort to not shout out "Will you please hurry it along!!" Luckily the lady in front of me did it for me. She wasn't too subtle in her complaints. I had a feeling that the workers heard her and slowed down further just to spite her.

This is a problem that I see all the time. And sadly it's usually in Malays. These kind of people would prefer coming to work and get paid to do nothing. Or as the Malays call it 'GAJI BUTA'. Post offices close at 5pm and I know those clerks were trying to slow things down so that they can close in time. That's the only aspect of their work where they actually follow to the T. They're punctual when it's time to go home. Sometimes they're so punctual that by 5 they're already home. Nak makan gaji buta but when people get promoted for excellent service these people will be the first to spread malicious rumours and badmouth people who actually wants to make their lives a whole lot better.

No wonder government agencies always get badmouthed. It's actually getting that bad. I see it all the time in UIA too. Students know better to never ever go to STADD or any administration building at 2pm coz there wont be a soul to help you out. To be on the safe side go at 3pm though technically lunch hour ends at 2. Ape ke hal?

How do we expect to develop the country and turn it into a 1st world nation if the people's mind aren't developing along with the nation's progress? Seriously... something has got to be done. Wake up people! Kita melayu bukan me-layu!!

TGV life...

It's been over a week now since I started working at TGV and I must say that I'm beginning to enjoy my stint there. It's great being able to start over and create a whole circle of friends who knows nothing bout my past and just spends several hours trying to make the waiting and labourous job more fun. No stress about who's getting the better marks or who's failing or who's gonna get barred from exams. Sure there's worries but they're more to 'Will I be late for work?' or 'I hope I'm not short when on cashier duty...'. I dunno, somehow at TGV it's like I'm worrying bout more real stuff and no longer trivialities. Stuff that matter.

Don't get me wrong... education is important but I guess when worrying about assignments and all those shit I still feel like I'm still a kid. But then that's just my opinion.

Being round these people has also made me realise something else... I realised that most uni students don't know just how much better they are than others. You're in uni so more or less you have a bright future and if you need money there's always PTPTN and the parents :P Your sole responsibility is to go to class, study and do well. Uni students have it made.

But what about those who didn't get into public uni? Well... they'll be the ones working at TGV working hard and sometimes holding two jobs a day to pay their way through private colleges which costs a bomb. Taking a PTPTN loan is an option but most don't take it due to the fact that they prefer to be debtless later in their life. To tell you the truth I regret the decision of changing the status of partial loan to full loan. Now I'm in debt for the next 15 years after I graduate. AAArRRGGGHHH!!!

So what's with the different mindset? Why do uni students who are bright individuals waste away their loan money on stuff that'll only last for a short time while these so-called turndowns think ahead, spend wisely and have already laid out a path for the future? Most uni students are still unsure on their plans once they graduate (me included) while these guys already know what they want to do. So the question is how come most uni students don't think that way too? I mean both groups of people are of the same age group and same needs.

I think the answer lies through them facing life's harsh realities way earlier in their life than the others. They've already learned the value of money and knows what really matters in life. Experience will mould a mind in a different way. I think back on my uni days and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wasting so much money on stuff that didn't even matter while my mom is back home working away to provide me money. The guys at TGV are all working to be financially independant from their parents. They know that one day they have to step out on their own so it's better now than later.

Seriously I think I have gotten my priorities all screwed up. Yeah sure I worked during uni and I'm working now but not for the same goals as most of the others have. I'm working so that I'll have money to buy stuff that my mom won't get me. Not exactly a noble thought. In uni you're protected and in a way you're still treated like a school kids due to rules and regulations. So in a way the minds of most uni students would be stuck at the mindset of a kid just wanting to only have fun in life. It's true that there's no bettertime to have fun other then during uni but should it be at the cost of your family's discomfort? I don't think so.

I think it's time now for me to ponder about my life and straighten up my priorities *sigh*

Long distance relationship...

I wonder how some couples survive long distance relationships. I think its the kind of relationship that sucks the most! So much work and money goes into maintaining a line between two people.

I'm going through the whole long-distance 'shebang' right now and just as I had predicted it aint all roses and hearts plus there's plenty of fists and cussings to go round.

I dont know... maybe I'm just being my usual paranoid self (and it doesn't help that there are songs out there about other girls hitting on your BF- Dont Cha? by Busta Rhymes & Pussycat Dolls). Or maybe I'm not giving him the trust and understanding that he deserves. But then again I'm not exactly calling him up every hour on the hour just to know what he's up to.

God I hate fighting. It makes me feel down, guilty and lonely. Loneliness... the feeling that I hate the most. I just dont know what to do now... dont know what I could say to make it all better... is sorry the right word for it? Will love be enough in this case?

I just don't know!

Night shift

Last night's work was WAY better than Thursday's shift. Probably due to the fact that night shift people are way cooler than those during the day shift. I'll probably sound racist or close minded here but bear with me. I dont mean to be racist or narrow minded in any way whatsoever. But I think why I enjoyed last night's shift better was because there were more Indians than Chinese.

I kinda noticed that the chinese tend to shy away from people wearing tudung. I think wearing tudung signals to them that I'm a close minded person who'd rather stick to my own people. I dont really blame them. All this segregation and seperatism goes way back in history and it's even being practiced now in schools and universities as well as the workplace. How many times during my search for part time work I see a sign saying 'Chinese Only'. We still see schools dominated by a certain race and some would travel out of the way just to send their kids to schools where their own race is dominant. It's kinda sad really. Because of all this seperation a lot of people are now somewhat handicapped when it comes to racially mixed environments.

This attitude has also something with religion. I'am ashamed to say that most Muslims stay away from chinese is due to the fact of ignorance towards their ways and customs and the lack of understanding of Islam itself. Just because Islam forbids the consumption of pork as well as keeping dogs as pets it doesn't mean that you stay away from those who do not abide by the same rules. Indians are more accepted by Malays because of the fact that some of them don't eat meat therefore they don't eat pork. Thus the notion of them being 'jijik' doesn't come up.

We live in a sad world don't we?

You'd think that the society now are more tolerant to racial unity and mixed marriages but it's not. Most of my fellow TGV workmates when they saw the picture of Matt. They all thought he was Indian and how could a Malay girl (who wears tudung somemore, though the tudung disappear at times :P) dates and Indian guy. It may not be a big deal like it was before but it's still something that is not wholly accepted.

This issue concerning race will go on for a long time yet and who knows whether it's gonna get better or worse. I just hope it turns out for the better.

As for me I'm just gonna enjoy getting to know my new found friends.

Da TGV experience...

I still havent recovered from Langkawi yet there I was manning the Candy Bar post at TGV Kinta City. What was I thinking?

Now my whole leg aches from the stairs of Langkawi (both telaga tujuh and cable car ride- what is it with Langkawi and stairs?) and now from standing the whole day handing o0ut popcorn and snacks to people watching movies. *whiny* I dont want to be the one selling snacks, I want to be the one buying them so I could enjoy them while watching my movie! *UWAAAA*

Back to reality- I really need the job. I cant expect to sit idle for the next 3 months. And what if I dont get a place for masters after all? Then what am I gonna do?

It's not like the job is hard or anything. Manning the candy bar is pretty easy once you get the hang of it. I also tried my hand in telesales. Also a no clincher. I guess the only drawback is working people I dont know at all. And from various races too. I guess after MRSM and UIA I've been so cut off within my own race that I've forgotten how to interact with people of other races. They all seem pretty nice but then again how would I know if they suddenly talk in chinese about me right in front of my face. There's only a handful of other Malays and even then you cant really stick together much due to conflicting work schedule. I just feel alienated coz I still dont have anyone I could stick to just yet. I need someone to show me the ropes. But I wore my new Nike bag to work and that was the only thing that kept me happy all day coz people kept commenting how cute it was. I am so GLAD that I bought it.

I dont look forward to going back to work tomorrow (today is an off day). Partly because I havent found myself a friend yet, and I have to work the night shift tomorrow, but also because I feel that I dont fit in at all. All my life I am surrounded by people pursuing higher things in life but here all of them seem to be content with where they are and what they do. Most were shock when I told them that I already finished my undergrad and now waiting to do Masters. Because of their shock I decided to say that I'm on holiday instead. Why alienate myself even further? I miss being in uni...

I just hope to God that it'll get better. I'm no quitter and I hope I'll never become one. Please god send me a new girl or guy that I can really relate to. Just to make my short working stint there a little bearable. Please God please....

Langkawi heaven...

Langkawi was da BOMB!! I spent the best and most tiring 3 days and 2 nights there and although I came back with screaming muscles and total lack of sleep, I would not hesitate to do it all over again!!

I had the best travelling buddies I could ever ask for. My stranger to protect me and cuddle me whenever I feel like it and Ash, a guide and a 'mad' companion for my stranger and Anis, something for Ash to hold on to so that he'll be sane. Pretty much like my role with Matt *wink* I've never been on a trip with anyone other than my family so it was great to share my experience with these people.

Yeah... there was s ome minor bumps we encountered like getting stiffed on our ride but no damage done since we managed to get the money back. For me all the bumps we encountered was cool since it left some pretty funny memories like the time when Matt wanted to make a U turn and got stuck in soft earth at the shoulder of the road. So both guys had to get out and start heaving. THAT was kinda funny. Matt got sprayed with mud all over his face. Haha!!

So since this was a trip to the beach and all, why would my muscles be screaming? Well to get to this one particular place we had to hike a Batu Caves like stairs and for me who had no exercise whatsoever for the past few months it was total agony. I was already cursing Ash halfway up those stairs. Luckily the place was worth the climb. Telaga tujuh is definitely a place that even Puteri Bunians would undergo rigorous stair climbing to get to. It was totally beautiful. The water was so clean that you could even drink it without fear of contamination. The view was... WOW! What made it even more worth while was when all of us got on board the cable car, we finally realised just how far up we actually climbed to get to the infamous waterfalls. Imagine going halfway up to Genting on foot. That's how high up it was.

I just wished that we had time to enjoy Langkawi more. We still havent covered half of the island. And we didnt manage to sample any of their local ikan bakar joints either. But I'm glad that after a long while I could enjoy the beach again. Oh well... there's always a next time! We already have plans in the works.
The waves may not be as big as those in Australia and Hawaii but they're pretty huge for Malaysian standards.

This is the view of Porto Malai Harbour Langkawi all the way up from Langkawi's cable car.

As for the other pictures... I'm waiting to for some broadband connection so I can finally upload my pics without difficulty. Using dial up sucks!!

My 1st EBAY experience...

I've never been one to surf round for stuff in ebay since I'd rather go through the actual shopping experience. The smell of new clothes and things on sale, the feel of crisp new material and the rush that you get when you get an item which is a bargain is definitely an experience that you can never have enough of. But with all this highs there's always a downside. Like just now, I thought that I just bought myself a nice pair of sneakers which was a bargain when suddenly I saw another pair in another shop which was way better (branded too) and yet the price was pretty much the same. Oh what a blow! Til now I'm still reeling from the shock.

I guess that's the positive side of ebay. The chances of that happening is slim coz it all depends on the bidding. You bid low and you probably wont get the stuff. You bid high... well, you'll get the stuff but not at the price you might have hoped.

As for me, I saw a Nike bagpack which was cute and cheap (considering its a Nike, though there's doubts that it is a real Nike bag). I waited till the very last minute and VOILA! I got the bag! And at the lowest price possible too. For that I'm proud of myself.

Yeah... ebay is cool but I kinda miss the shopping experience and the fact that you can always wander round the mall... think about the sale and decide if you really want the item or not. With ebay you kinda lose that experience. Once you press bid it's a contract and like it or not you have to make that sale.

But anyways, my first ebay experience was cool but it'll probably be my last. I just hope that this bag is way worth my money. I hate not being able to see how it looks in real life.

Merdeka!!

Every year it's the same routine for me... either lounging around in my room with a couple of friends shouting 'MERDEKA' or lounging around in front of the TV with the family and shouting 'MERDEKA' as soon as it is the 31 of August. Although it sound so unspirited and unpatriotic, trust me the spirit of Merdeka is deep within me.

Thus I'd like to wish all Malaysians out there 'SELAMAT HARI KEBANGSAAN ke-48'!

MERDEKA!!

I'm back...

Convo is over and done with. It was exactly as I expected it... exciting, loads of people and a bit of a letdown (Yeah, I expected this). But it was fun meeting up old friends all dressed up, and seeing how they got along in the world. Some are already career folks and family men while there are some like me who's still not ready to embrace the working world just yet. For people like me, the working world is something that you do part time and to fill up time in between semesters where your mind doesn't go idle and you'll get paid so that you'll have pocket money. Far from the actual working for a living concept. Yeap, I'm a coward when it comes to facing reality.

So many things happened before convo itself that if I were superstitious I'd probably stayed at home and not go out at all that day. Firstly I found out that the shoes (sandals) mom bought were not allowed so I had to get another pair. Then I found out that my baju kurung was an unexceptable colour so I had to wear Ika's baju (which was a pity coz I loved the fabric and colour of my baju kurung) and lastly on the actual convo day itself the video camera didn't work. So there goes the recording of my convocation. So to make up for it we took plenty of pictures. Even that didn't come out half as much as I wanted it too. So now all I have ia few large pictures the photographer took (they're really bad since there were too many of us on stage and the picture of me had someone else's face in the background) and two small albums of personal pictures. Oh well... it was still a memorable day. Hopefully my Master's convo will be much better.

Besides that, my wounds are doing nicely too. They've closed up perfectly though they still hurt. I still can't make extreme movements like jumping vigorously or go on a roller coaster just yet but healing progress is great. The only setback of actually getting the lumps out of me is that nearly everybody said that my 'rack' is smaller now. Darn! And to think that people actually pay good money to get my natural sizes. Pity Matt. He wont be too happy. Haha! So now all I have to look forward too is my holiday. It's just a week away!!

Langkawi here I come!

Off you go bandages!!

My bandages are off and I finally saw how my operations wounds looks like. Quite gruesome to tell you the truth. I just hope that all the ikan haruan that I've been eating will work it's magic soon. The last time I had the operation the scar is barely visible and even the doctor was impressed. So this time I'm hoping for the same results.

I'm relieved though that the bandages are off. It means that I can finally move round now. I can drive and go out again. Though unfortunately due to the haze I'm not advised to go out at all. The nice doctor gave me 1/2 dozen masks coz I'll be going round to KL next week. That was sweet and it was FOC too. And I used to think that private doctors would suck your money dry for every little bit of healthcare that they give. I guess I was wrong. Though this whole operation and lumps thingy are wrapping up (the biopsy came out negative for cancer by the way, I AM SO RELIEVED!) I still hafta go to him for follow up checkups. Mum was really worried so doctor is gonna check again to ease her mind. Did I mention that this doctor is really sweet. Definitely someone you'd go to again.

Right now, I just need to concentrate on getting over the haze. I wish the haze would just disappear soon. I cant believe that there's still people out there burning things out in the open when the country has announced a state of emergency. How selfish can some people be. And since the situation is getting worse by the day, you just can't help but be angry at the Indonesian government for not anticipating the burnings and putting a stop to it before it actually affected people.

I pity those people who depends on good weather to make a living like food hawkers and peddlers. When people stay indoors nobody would want to buy their food. Maybe next time leaders would think about the consequences before pushing aside matters concerning the environment. It's not trivial for if we lose the earth we're living in now where else are we gonna live?

Hazy days...

The haze is getting worse by the day. I cant believe that the 1997 haze pehenomenon has hit back with a vengeance. Kinda brings back a whole lot of memories for me.

It was days like these that Abah died a few years back. And eeriely he just got out of a major surgery too. Just like me, except that his was far more major and life threatening than mine. He was fine after the surgery, in fact the doctors were optimistic about his recovery. What they didnt expect was the haze. It got really bad and finally Abah's weakened lungs (after effects of chemotherapy) couldn't take it any longer. He passed away and we've been devoid of his presence ever since.

I really miss him. I always look at other families with envy whenever their dads spend some quality time with them. Sometimes I feel that I was robbed of that. But in a way it has led me to get a relationship with my mother that most people don't have. A mutual respect and understanding. Not the kind of relationship potrayed by the Gilmore Girls but an embracing independance where we need each other but in detached sort of way. We have room to move and make our own choices in life but at the same time we know there's always a limit and there's always someone we can lean on if we feel the need for support. It took me ages to achieve this with my mom but If Abah was still alive I probably wouldn't ever get this kind of bond with my mom.

So it's true when they say that clouds do have silver lining. And in this case the lining was in fact GOLD!