The road not taken...

Made another tough decision today. Up this very moment I'm still unsure whether the decision I made was the right one. I just hope that it was. It's not like I was given much time to ponder on the consequences. It was either ANSWER IMMEDIATELY or FOREVER BE BLACKLISTED FROM OUR COMPANY!. *sugh* So due to circumstances, prior obligations and educational reasons I turned down a job interview to one of the biggest advertising firm around. *sigh*

Well... no use crying over spilt milk. It's too late now. The 'Thanks but no thanks' email has been sent. I just hope that they dont blacklist me in the future. Who knows maybe one day I'd apply to that company again.

In a way I feel relieved. Somehow I feel that I'm not quite ready to really step into the working world just yet. Sure I'm working right now but look at what I'm doing now... I'm blogging during office hours. Shows how laid back this job really is. But so far I seem doing okay for a fresh undergrad. Got a job offer to be a kindergarten teacher in PJ. I'll see how it goes. If they're willing to only let me stay til November then it should be cool. Not something to do on a permanent basis though.

*sigh* I hate the predicaments of being an adult...

Easy money?

I know that I've been banging my head about finding a job lately so I guess I finally found something that's simple to do and I'll get paid for it. I checked the website and everything seems fine. This job (well not exactly a job) sounds way cool. Definitely something for students to do in their free time. Those who loves to surf the net (like me!) will definitely enjoy it. You can even do it while you're doing another job in the office or something which is definitely a plus for me since I have to spend from ( to 5 every day gawking at the computer screen. Might as well get paid for it. Though I'm quite convinced you guys should get some more info from this website. Signup is FREE. No strings attached and No obligations whatsoever. Check it out who knows maybe it'll be your calling. You guys can go through the link below or click on the ad that's just above the tagboard. Whichever suits ya...


Readclick.Com

Average Joe

Hang in there Average Joe!!
I owe it extreme boredeom to actually find myself in front of the TV watching 'Average Joe', a dating reality TV show where Miss America or something gets to pick either an average Joe (common not-too-good-looking men) or some stud that the show provided for her. Last night was the grand finale where she had to choose between this sweet, short, average looking guy (see pic-left. He's better looking on TV) and a hunky, blonde, actor wannabe.

So as usual you know what happens. The actor wannabe was picked although he blatantly say to the girl that he hopes to launch an acting career from being in that TV show. Duh! How dumb can you get Miss America! And finally she got what she deserved bybeing rejected in the end by the very guy who she said 'I think you're the one' just because she used to date Fabio, the PLAYBOY that every mothers warns their kids about. The guys whose pictures appear on cheesy, erotic romance novels. The kinds that guys can easily get a hard on to by just reading the extremely graphic details. I guess the guy's insecurity just can let it pass that he would never measure up to Fabio's performance *winkwink* if you know what I mean.SO at the end of the show all she could say was 'Shame on me...' Well, shame on you then for making such a dumb choice.

Beauty vs Brains or Beauty vs Personality is an ongoing battle that is extremely one sided. Beauty always wins. Last night's show was proof enough. In fact the previous season of 'Average Joe' also came up with the same results. The beauty also picked another beauty. Even at the start of the this season Miss America was struck dumb when she saw all the average Joes lined up for her. Miss America thought that she was way too good for them (yeah sure the shows are scripted but these sentiments are usually true. Ask out any supermodels or gorgeous babes out there and you'll know what I mean). Now I know why I do NOT follow these kind of shows. They're insulting. I'm happily living in my world where only guys go for looks and now on national TV girls are proving themselves to be just as shallow.

So is there any hope at all for us girls who are a little low in the looks department but are high in personality. These kind of things do not help in my paranoia that someday some busty, bottle-blonde bombshell is gonna swoop down and grab my guy. Men and hormones. Does it mean that I hafta present myself in that way just to keep a guy? I dont think so. If a guy shows that looks plays a deciding role in a relationship then its 'Sayonara' baby. Guys like that aren't worth the fight. But if some barbie doll do try to steal your man... be prepare to fight to the death!

Jobs...

Looking for a job... the bane of all graduates existance. It's the benchmark signaling that you're no longera carefree kid who could spend mommy and daddy's money anymore. Now you spend yours.

It probably wont be too bad if not for the fact that the country generates thousands of graduates each year and only a handful would go on building their own empire while the rest would just be satisfied in being a teeny weeny part of another empire. Myself included.

A society only produces a few Donald Trumps and Bill Gates every generation so that hundreds of thousand of people could work for these few gifted individuals. Sure these people would say that you hafta work for it and bla.. bla.. bla but you still have to have what it takes. A whole lotta luck.

In my case my dreams of actually having something to do during the intermission from undergrad to postgrad was brutally crushed by the news that the Unit does not take non-student working here. Sheesh... couldn't they just at least give an exception since I am technically still a student here. And it's only a matter of time that I'll be accepted back for postgrad. Sounds cocky? Well... you would be if you heard that even those with CGPA 2.4 is accepted for a Masters nowadays. Oh how the standards have fallen.

So everyday I go through the routine of checking jobstreet for a job and hopefully some employers would notice my resume and say... "wow! this is an outstanding gal. We must have her work with us!" But alas... that may only remain as a figment of my imagination. So hopeful work lined up 1) Freelance mystery shopper 2)Content writer. Other companies havent even viewed my resume so I'd say that they're not interested.

Oh what a materialistic world we live in now. We are governed by money! We work coz we need money... money and more money. I need money now to pay for my PTPTN.

Living alone

I've never been one to enjoy being alone. Well... at least not for a long period of time. Sure I enjoy the moments on my own to reflect aboout life and to rest and gather up my strength. But what I'm doing now... purposely putting myself in a situation which I have no one to talk to, no one I can go to in case I feel lonely and no one to call me up to see coz they're a whole state away, is totally out of my character.

My biggest fear... is being alone. I'm not afraid of the dark or scary spirits (though I dont go provoking them either). What I fear the most is the fact that I come back to a place where it is void of other beings. No laughter, no small talks, no shouting. Just the sound of my own breathing. I guess my being here on campus when all other souls are at home was my challenge, my need to confront my fears and learn that being alone was not as bad as it seems.

The first night was the hardest. Nobody was around and I guess the silence just got to me. I cried like a pathetic lonely bitch that I am. It was horrible but thank God for Alexander Graham Bell. If it weren't for the handphone I'd probably would have cried myself to death. The weekend was the only thing that kept me going. It was my escape from being alone. My escape from the opressive silence.

But its getting easier. Just hafta know how to kill time. Work helps... games help and thank GOD anis left her computer. I am so starved for human interaction that the mere sight of another person around me soothes me. Everytime I feel the pressure of being alone I open the front door and look for signs that there's other girls going through the same loneliness. Even the sight of another room with it's lights turned on calms me.

Phobias are a bitch and one way or another you hafta fight it. I'm fighting a battle now but I wonder if I'll ever win this war that rages on within myself. The war of loneliness.

Old but alone?

Being old scares most people... I mean who'd want to be wrinkly, frail and with practically no energy even to move to the couch right in front of you. As for women being old means losing one's beauty and it might even mean losing the love of your life. So basically not a lot of people looks forward to getting old.

Losing the love of your life is hard enough but what about losing the love of your children. We hear stuff nowadays bout kids sending folks to the home and leaving them there to die.BUt is that much better than staying with your kids and having them scorn at you and hurting you with their words. I'd rather go to the home and live in pampered ignorance rather than put in the line of barb and scorn every single second.

People always say that they'll never ignore their old folks but how many actually put that to action and even if they do put it to action how many of them does it willingly? If the case was the latter then probably death is not a bad option after all for most folks.

Love your parents... they're the only ones that you have.

Ice

Amazingly this turned out to be so true.

Your element is Ice. This element may seem a little odd, but this is a side-effect from when the element of Water gets hurt. Once you were a content soul, and happy with life. But then something happened. Not necessarily in one day, it probably happened gradually over time. You lost your will to care and became even more reserved from the world. People had hurt you in ways you do not want to remember and now you isolate yourself from them. You have turned into an outsider and probably dress more in black than you used to. Your depression is eating you up and tearing you apart and the worst part is that no one is willing to help, or so it seems. In school you are often by yourself or one single friend and you rarely seem to be truly happy anymore. Your sad, distant eyes and constant frown seems glued to your face and you need a saviour from this world. You may turn to music for understanding and sing/scream along in the lyrics to get rid of some pain. You are not very open about your problems to your family/friends, and wish that they would just notice it and make it go away.

What is your element?

LIDV

After nearly four years of campus life I'm finally gonna do something that I thought I'd never have to do, something which no sane student would even wish to consider... Live IN During Vacation (LIDV). *sigh* I know that I desperately wanted something to do before I enroll (AGAIN!) so God answered my prayers. The price? A whole 2 weeks of solitary confinement. There'll be no one around (except for those unfortunate few who have to stay on campus) and there'll be little food (what the hell am I thinking?) and of course everyone I know will be safe and sound at home eating good home-cooked meal while I suffer here for the sake of a few bucks. So again... why am I doing this?

But to take things on a more positive note maybe I can finally lose weight. No food means less eating. Less eating means lose weight. Yey! I guess this can be kind like a training ground for me so that when I get my own place I'll know how it feels. Living on campus doesn't mean its free just cheaper that's all. And convenient. I mean who wouldn't want a room at RM3.50 a day which includes water and electric charges as well as security. A heck of a good deal if you ask me. SO what if there's no one around its not like I'm the socialite of the year anyways. Sp things'll be cool. Everyday go to work. Earn some moolah then go back, watch some movies and read good books, zone out and then the process will repeat itself all over again. There... before I know it two weeks have gone by just like that.

Sheesh... who am I kidding? It's gonna be a horrible 2 weeks. Please somebody! Come keep me company!

Confusion

What do you do when you heart starts playing games with you?

A heart of rock can sometimes be shaken to its core by a mere amber that once burned with an intensity that can consume its vessel if not for the will of iron in which it is contained. Thus when there is nothing to burn the fire dies out. But sometimes when a fire is doused it does not go out completely. For a spark will always be left behind just waiting for the catalyst to ignite its fire once again.

But what do you do when it ignites within a crystal, an entity of purity, a place in which you are safe from all that is unpure, your home. It is a place of safety, protection and contentment. A place where fires are not supposed to rage. But the presence of flames excite you and somehow you are drawn to it. Your crystal is your sanctuary but the fire beckons.

Never is the time for recklessness. for only a fool would even think about playing with fire. The flame leaps and dance to seduce you but in the end it'll just burn you.

Your safe place is where you stay but the calmness and serenity will forever leave an emptiness inside you. Forever making you long and pine for the searing heat of the fire...

Slow down the pace! I can't keep up!

The world is revolving too fast and I am definitely havinga hard time trying to cope. Well actually I'm having a hard time procrastinating and trying to get stuff done at the same time. Oh hell... same difference. But THANK GOD that semantics final assignment is done so I can finally move on. Have I mentioned that I DO NOT like linguistics. I detest the subject. Imagine the joy that I'm feeling knowing that I'm finally leaving that behind me forever. Boo Yah! *dancing around like a mad women*

But one more hurdle to go until I'm free of my undergraduate bondage... my hafazan. Bleargh! UIA loves to 'menyusahkan' its students. Arabic la, tilawah la, ibadah camp la, usrah la... and now hafazan. So again... bleargh! And now that semantics is out of the way I have no more excuse but to actually start memorising. Waaa... I'm not good in that too.

Exams are next week and I am proud to say that I have not even started studying. Yeap... as always I am the procrastinator. Putting things to the very last minute. It worked so far so why not. I'll keep on doing it then :P

It's always at a time when you're at your busiest that things socially start looking up. Now Yuni manged to get some really good tickets to genting which includes board, rides and even transportation at sucha ridiculous price and she wants to go next week. Yeap exam week. Genting is also doing a promo for their 40th annioversary and their charging RM1 per room IF you manage to get up there on the 10th or the 11th to do your booking. How am I suppose to manage all that in a span of a few days AND study as well. *shaking head* Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma!

Ika is finally back from UK so I'm heading back to Maluri soon. Can't wait to taste all that good ZBritish chocolates. I can't remember how many cavities I had during my stay there. But hey... it was all worth it. The choccies are soooooo good (geez, and I question why I gained so much weight.)

Iskandar decided to do the disapearing trick again. Not sms-ing nor answering my calls. Maybe he read the blog about him, misunderstood it and ran away. If that really happened then there's only one thing I can say... SO PERASAN! Just for your info, DOY, I no longer have feelings for you. I am in love with my boyfriend MATT. And I know that it's gonna stay that way for a long time yet and probably (hopefully) until I die. So please... stop your perasan case!

Guys! Sheesh!

Traditionalist vs. Opportunist

What is going round in a guy's mind if a girl actually walks up to them and starts being friendly? (what I mean by friendly here is not the I-just-wanna-do-thing-with-you friendly but the usual kinds where you just wanna be friends type.) According to my guy friends the first thing that usually comes comes to mind is the fact this girls has guts which then leads to the (usually wrong) conclusion that the girls is fast, easy, social, etc. Why? Why? Why does it have to be that way?

It's okay for a guy to approach girls and get friendly but its not okay for girls to do that? What happened to women's liberation? And though it exists then why are there plenty of strong, gorgeous women still bound by this mentality? why? why?

Girls have every right to pursue happiness so if she spots a guy that catches her eye then why cant she go up to him and be friends? It's so unfair!

Maybe its due to the fact that men are very vain creaturess and when women go up to them they'll start to think that they're all that. Urgh! Seriously guys... sometimes you should look at yourselves in the mirror. And then all these 'perasan' guys will start to get all macho and think that they're irresistable and in turn they'll start thinking that maybe this girl wants something more than friendship. And so the vicious cycle continues.

As for me I just think that opportunities shouldn't be passed by and if there'ssomething or someone that you feel is right for you then go ahead and grab it. Life is too short. Live it or forever be in regret.

Abuse

What would you do when you see a friend in a busive relationship? Talk her into leaving the guy... knock some sense into her and tell her she deserves better. Or maybe round up some strong burly guys and go up beat up that a**hole who likes to beat up girls. You know the saying... Fight fire with fire, give him a taste of his own medicine. Whatever the solution is you know that the first thing to do is get the girl away from the guy.

But what if the girl doesn't want to be kept away. What if she's so stubbornly stupid to realise that it's just gonna get worse. What would you do then...

This is the dilemma of a friend who's helpless to help a friend. You could advise, talk to her till you foam at the mouth but she still wont budge. In a situation like I said before, that's a case where the girl is just too weak. In this case... the girl is strong but her strength lies misguided. Love is powerful. So powerful that it'll turn a sensible, sane, strong minded person into putty in a matter of seconds.

You know what's even worse the girl actually knows that she's in a bad situation and she knows what could and may happen but she's just too proud to actually give up on the relationship. Girls have this weakness where they think that they can change the guy's "bad habit" if given more time. HELLO!! If more time was given in this case you'd probably be dead.

So again I ask, what should be done in a case like this? It's easy to just let things be and pretend that this whole thing isn't happening but you cant... not when the friend keeps getting more and more battered up. And the fact that she drags you into her domestic affairs as well. *aargh* That is another problem to be elaborated for another day.

So if there's any good ideas out there about this matter PLEASE run them by me. I'm here at my wit's ened trying to figure out what to do. Let's hope that by the end of this ordeal I'll still have hair left after tearing chunks of it out due to frustration.

Rejection

Never in the world would I ever want anyone to feel the sheer disappointment of being denied of somthing that one has hoped for so long. I never realised just how much I wanted something until the very instant that I found out that I have been denied of the very thing that I covet.

Wanting things is an integral part of life. You want things all the time. Food, clothes, accesories, toys and other stuff that'll make your heart complete. But sometimes there are things that you want that goes beyond mere wants and needs. It becomes your focus and an obsession.

As for me, what I wanted would change my life in a myriad of ways. BUt most of all it would help the one person that I've come to cherish aove all things in my life. My mother. All the time that I've wasted trying to rebel against her can never be returned and now all I ask is just one chance to prove myself. And yet it was denied.

I have never been good with rejection. So much hurt and pain would well up inside me whenever I encounter yet another rejection but somehow in life there are areas in which I excel and never rejected. I guess God wants me to taste the bitter pill in life by showing me that sometimes you can get too cocky.

And when you fall... you fall hard. Coping with rejection is one thing but letting others see you in that vulnerable state is definitely another. Alas... I have suffered both today.

I just know that I just can't give up. Don't give up. I have too much riding on this to just give up.

And he's back

An old flame suddenly resurfaced in my life and suddenly I find myself confused which then led me to question myself 'WHY SHOULD I BE CONFUSED?' I'm in that place in my relationship that I shouldn't be bothered with these kind of things aaaanddd the guy has never been interested in the first place. It's all me. So mengapa perasan lebih ni? But you know how the saying goes... First loves die hard *sigh*

School days were the worst for me. I hated school especially when I was in the last two years of high school. I guess that period was my first lesson in life. Shit will happen and they're merciless. Life can just drain you up to a point when you'll think what's the point of living anymore? But life works in twisted and wonderous ways. Just as much as it enjoys fucking people up it'll somehow give something to let you hold on and not give up. Sometimes you realise what they are sometimes you dont. As for me... I didn't know how much I valued the friendship of a couple of friends until now. And this guy... was one of them.

At a time when life sucks I found solace in solitude, sarcasm, a true friend and a crush. I guess these was the things that kept me sane when everything else was as chaos. To the world I was an outcast; not to be befriended because I was stupid and I excel in the one thing that I am good at. That's the Malay dilemma for you. Never wanting to see others succeed. I hated that life with every fibre of my being and to this day the feeling just grows and grows. But with this guy he wasn't just a crush but a kindred spirit. Someone who understood and was going through the same thing that I was but lucky for him he had and advantage of being MALE. Females are ruthless and they'll do anything to keep another down. Yes... I know I'm a female and I shouldn't bitch about my own sex but hey... it's the truth.

To cut things short... things didn't work out relationship-wise. In a way I'm glad... who knew what could've happened to the bond that we shared if things did work out. Love is a gift and a blessing but sometimes it'll change things for the worse. This is the guy whom I could talk to without holding back and with love in the picture he might vanish just like that. Friend like these are hard to find and you'll be lucky if you could find even a handful. They are the friend you want to keep. Friends who'll always have your back.

But having said that... I just realised. How can I be so stupid! I already have the same comraderie and friendship that I have with that guy but with the added bonus of love as well. I have it in Matt. The guy who'll listen and criticise as brutally honest as he could be. A friend and a companion. A 2 in 1 deal.

Thanks friend...

Dullness overcomes me...

I know I havent updated lately and trust me I've gotten several complaints about it too. So don't think that I've been let off easy about my not-so-sudden laziness to write. It's just that I want my blog to be an outlet of release where I write down my thoughts and views on certain aspect of life. I never want my blog to be nothing more than an online diary (though most people enjoy reading them-it's like a friend is willingly letting you read her diary.) So all I'm saying is that at the moment my life has been nothing but dull and monotonous.

I guess the only conflict in my life right now is what to do next and what is there to eat besides boring old UIA food. I've also found a way to fund myself through my postgrad years which would put me in further debt in say... the next 20 years. *sigh* Everything has a cost nowadays, next thing you know they'll be charging you for breathing.

So that's it... that's my pathetic life. Horrible aint it. I just wish that I had a dillema like Fynn to write about. Revenge to all the people that shunned me before in my life. It's nice but been there, done that. My sweet revenge has passed. I've proved my point. I'm not dumb! (so there you stupid MRSM snobs!) Besides I think I'm groen enough to let bygones be bygones :P

So basically the next three years of my life wont be any different than it is now. Boring...boring...boring. I just PRAY that someday I'll hit gold like Firdaus. Lucky guy... he already has a high paying job and the firm he works with is gonna fund his master's degree. AAArrRrRgGGGGhhhhh! Some people get all the luck while I'm here burdened by more and more debt.

I seriously think I should reconsider my study vs working options. *whimper*

Star Wars: Episode III

Star Wars episode III is exactly what it says it is. It's so Star Wars. No other words can describe it. All that high tech CGI and lasers nad imagination-nothing short of an A+. But if you expect good acting... bleargh!

I dont know whether I should say this with shame but I have never ever watched the old Star Wars Episode *gasp* Yeap... its true. Some may say that I come from a galaxy far, far away.

Well... I can't help it. I've never liked sci-fi. And since I'm on the subject of hating sci-fi I have to admit that I've never watched any of the Matrix trilogy either *double gasp* I think its boring *triple gasp* (Gasps are kindly contributed dramatically by Matt-a true sci-fi fan)

Back to Star Wars, I now fully embrace the Star Wars legacy and is now looking forward to watching the other episodes of Star Wars especially the original ones. I think Matt is ecstatic that he manage to convert a non-fan into a grudgingly-afraid-to-say-it fan. You know I'm seriously contemplating buying myself a light saber. They're ever so cool!

Eyes aflame with Light! Turn your eyes on ME!

Never in my life have I ever stuffed myself till I threw up. God... what was I thinking? Why did I eat so much? I feel like a pig. Just a weekend at my aunt's place and all my resolutions of actually controlling my food intake and toning down my body flew out the window. Am I that weak?

Staying in this hellhole has at least one advantage. Here I get to control what I eat since I hafta pay for it. Yes I sound like Miss Scrooge but hey... rm10 nowadays dont go far anymore. It'll probably last you three days tops. Trust me I've been through the days of utter starvation when my mom decided to teach me a lesson and decided to let me starve for being too loose with money.

But back to the issue... My one and only weakness 'FOOD'. I dont know how to control it. I'm just glad that I'm worried enough as not to stuff myself silly with food. At least I'm vain enough to not want to be called Obese. Sometimes I look at those extreme obese cases on TV and I swear to myself to do something but somehow I always lose the battle. God! Help me! What am I supposed to do.

I hate today's world of superficiality. Why must beauty conquer all? Why is it put second next to intelligence? And WHY must FAT people be considered ugly?

HELP

Just when I complain that Matt does not pay me much attention, God decided to teach me a lesson (to be grateful, of course) and sent in a guy (weirdo is more like it) who suddenly showers me too much attention for me to handle. A foreigner with dubious agendas; a)he really like Malay girls b)he wants "some" c)he's hoping for a free ticket to stay in the country.

Yesterday I was practically hunted down like a rabbit just so that he can take down my number and shower me with proclaimation of love at first sight and offers of marriage. Freaky? You got it. He told me that the minute that he saw me he knows that he wants to marry me and all because my "aura" was beautiful. Sheesh!

I supposed I should be flattered but I'm NOT. I have a BOYFRIEND. Even if I was single this guy is definitely out of the question. And what is freakier is the fact that he wouldn't back off even though I told him I was in love with someone else. Aiyoo! Headache! He even called last night to tell me that he loved me. *SCREAM* Help me!

And amidst all the running and ducking into empty classes I was stupid enough to be threatened to give my number (cowering in shame). Don't blame me! I was scared! And... he practically took my phone and made sure that the number was correct. I did give Matt's 013 number at first but he knew I was bluffing. *sigh* And this had to happen on the one day that Matt balik kampung.

I just hate the fact that I'm going round campus and looking over my back all the time to see if he is stalking me (which he did after despite me practically running from him after the whole "talk". Luckily Along Syerina was driving that day) Next time I'm gonna call him up and bring Matt along. This is a perk of having a boyfriend who works out other than the fact that he looks yummy:P

If any of you suddenly notice that I'm missing in action... Please contact Matt and lookout for a foreigner named Mustafa.

I dont know if I'm asking too much or I'm just being irrational. Is it too much for me to ask for my boyfriend to pay me a little attention once in a while when we're not together. Is it too much for me to ask for something as small as a miscall just to say that I'm still on his mind. Or have my life dwindled down to nothing and everything that happens in my life now revolves around him. Has it? What happened to me? Am I that pathetic? So devoid of everything else in life that my one and only social salvation is my boyfriend. God...

I'm just so lonely. So very lonely. Everyone have gone off their seperate ways so I'm left here alone with only one person to hold on to. I guess I have turned into a hermit. Estranged and pathetic with very few friends to call my own. No wonder I enjoy spending time in the dingy office. It has become my hiding place. A place where I can pretend that in reality I'm a loser, a nobody that no one wishes to have any connections with. There I can pretend that I'm someone important and that I can pretend that I'm actually needed for something. At least there I'm not rejected.

Rejection has been too common for me nowadays and yet I've still not learned how to handle it. I doubt that I'll ever learn. God... just give me strength. PLEASE...

THIS BLOG IS ONE YEARS OLD!!