I've always been able to handle all kinds of emotions from people but guilt and silent treatment just doesn't go well with me. I seriously hate this feeling.
Anyhow, I wont give up. Maybe this gal really needs help and I just havent found the right way to approach her yet. But still it doesn't mean that I like being treated this way. Seriously being on the receiving end of a silent treatment sucks!
This is the first semester ever that Sheena and I finally break free from each other and start living our student life independantly. Our different interests have been too much of an obstacle for us to really hang out with each other and its already up to the point where Sheena has to keep everyone's daily class schedule just to know where everyone is. As much as I love being in the classes that I like and doing activities that I love, it can get rather lonely and I really miss my best friend. Unfortunately I'm also the type who is absolutely lazy to go to other people's rooms so that makes my time hanging out with Sheena even more limited. I guess I hafta start making regular walks to Maryam then.*sigh* All for the name of friendship. I'm just glad that at least I'm able to see my other friends on a regular basis since they're not as super busy as Sheena and I is.
Anyways, something happened today that was totally unexpected. I managed to have a little quality time with Kie. Woohoo! At first it was like usual where we started off talking about work related matters but the only difference about this time is that it was the first time we managed to talk to each other alone. I guess that really made all the difference :) Anyways we went on to talk about other stuff like music and I must say its nice although my knowledge about the music industry is rather limited and even more so in Metal which is his all time favourite. The only thing I could do was nod and look like I knew what he was talking about :P BUt it was nice talking to him and I really hope that I get more chances to talk to him and get to know him better. Maybe I'm wrong in my deduction of his mental depth. The only drawback to the moment was the other juniors watching and snickering at us from the other tables. It was really embarassing and I had hoped that this thing about Kie and I would be so hyped up. I guess the idea of a 4th year female student showing interest on a 1st year male student was too much scandal for any student to handle. I admit that if I were in their shoes I'd probably be as curious as they were.
But things are cool at the moment I can't say I can see anything yet. We might end up just being friends after all. But then again who knows...
It's like today's trend to go after younger guys huh? I mean just look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher or Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. The guys are way younger than the girl but they date just the same. So i guess it shouldn't bother me all that much if I like a guy who's only a couple of years younger than I am. But it does bother me! Why does he have to be younger?
Nina gave this theory that we both somehow like each other but we both have isssues about approaching one another. I have doubts about me liking him but Nina insists that he does from the way he acts around me. Does being awkward for coming late to a meeting where I'm present count as being shy towards me? I dont think so but then again Nina is a budding psychologists. I must say that I enjoy exchanging eye contact with him. We seem to do that a lot. He looks at me I look away. I look at him he looks away (so cacat!) Anyways, my alasan for not going further with this attraction is that I'm his director for a program so it wouldnt be professional if I suddenly get up close and personal with my own 'anak buah' now would it?
The only thing about him is that he lacks the mental depth that I'd like in a guy. It may be due to our age gap but then again it might be him. Everytime I talk to him about stuff other than work related matters I always get stumped. We definitely do NOT have that much in common. If only he had the same mental depth that this other guy has. He's also another crush of mine. This guy is like the total opposite of Kie (my physical crush :P I can't believe that I'm announcing this to the world.) This other guy is older, currently pursuing his Masters in political sciences and is a debater. He also has a wicked sense of humour. Definitely a guy that I could relate with and talk to at hours on ends. But sadly he lacks the physical attractiveness that Kie has. Now idefinitely know that this guy has no feelings whatsoever for me and its safe to say that we'll probably won't go further than just being friends but that won't stop me from admiring him from far. He's definitely a guy that would make one lucky woman really happy one day. If there was a guy out there who has Kie's looks and Abang Azhan's brains I'd be the happiest girl alive. It'll be like a dream come true! But in truth I feel like I'm in a reality show where I have to choose between looks or brains and personality. If I choose looks people would brand me shallow but if I choose the other I would probably be branded snobbish or just trying to avoid reality or something.
Anyways, the situation is kinda hard at the moment for me because I'll be spending a lot of time with Kie for the next few months. It'll definitely be a test on my patience by being close to him and yet maintaning my distance for professionalism's sake. Don't get me wrong I'm not gonna jump his bones or what. Just maybe get to know him a little better since I won't get that kind of opportunity anymore. Aaaggghhh... this is what you get when you're hormones start taking over your brains! Help me!
It's sad to know that theater is a venture that most people would put their money on. Why? It's a booming business right now and even the Minister of arts and culture suggested that Malaysia is turned into a cultural country and not just a tourism country. So why people are still not interested in sponsoring? It's not that we're not giving anything in return. There's tax exemption and even publicity not to mention free tickets. Maybe to some it's not much but we're not asking for much either. I mean RM2000 ONLY what. *sigh*
Anyways, I wont give up just yet but I feel somewhat disheartened with the things that have happened so far. I'm glad that I'm surrounded by people who are willing to help and still have faith in me. That is the only thing that still gives me strength to go on (as corny as it sounds).
On a lighter note I just had a meeting with the cast and crews of my Midsummer team and I'm glad to say that I definitely picked the right people. Even Emirul my co-director said so. See... have faith in me laa! I love the group because everyone is such a fun bunch. So that's cool because I'm not in this to win but just to have fun. But winning will be great bonus! So I'm really looking forward to start practice. I'm in desperate need for fun. Go Catalysts!!
But it's great to be back. I missed my friends but most of all I missed having something to do. But then... work hasn't snowballed yet and when it does I'll be the loudest one complaining. Even before the holidays was officially over yet there's already a call about meeting here and meeting there. Ack... is that an indication of how my new semester is going to be? What have I gotten myself into? Even my body knows in advance trhe stress that I'll have during this semester and it's already started rebelling. There's like a huge zit right in the middle of my forehead and no amount of concealer will be able to hide it. Agh... the agony of being a young adult. Still have to handle zits.
Anyways class is starting in a mo' so I gotta go. Journalism class. Woohoo! I've been waiting to take thius class. Pray to god that the lecturer is cool. Gotta go! Ciao!!
Anyways, this sem will be my second last sem at UIA (I hope!) I'll be graduating soon and to tell you the truth it kinda saddens me. It makes me feel so old! I cant believe that I'll be graduating soon. Everyone else is like 1st year or second year while I'm in 4th year. Ack... I'm old!! But then again its cool getting all that awed look from the juniors. Makes you feel all high and mighty. Hehe! But what saddens me most is the fact that I might be leaving UIA soon. As unbelieveable as it sound but I love my life in UIA. It was here that I met all my friends, the ones that you'll wanna keep all your life. And its in UIA that I really learned a bunch of stuff and I dont mean just the lesson but about life as well. I hated my days in high scool. One because I hated science stream and two because I din't have much friends. Real friends whom I could confide in. But it's different in UIA. I love my course. I love the people but most of all I love my new friends. Some of them have been with me through thick and thin and these are the people that I'll hold on to all my life.
Another reason why graduation saddens me is that it is finally the time for us to step into the rweal world. Not a happy prospect I tell you. Right now we can still live in bliss considering that there's nothing much to worry about. No bills, no worries about getting fired and such. Ignorance is such bliss. Student life is bliss actually. But then everyone hafta face reality some day and for me it might be another year or so. It's really scary when I think about it. So I wont think about it lah. t I'm gonna take each day as it comes. If i do think about it I'll end up getting premature wrinkles and then I wouldn't just feel old but look old too. So now I'm gonna enjoy life to the fullest!! And of course live life so with no regrets!!
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
So today is the day that I finally get my adult diver's license. Having a 'P' was cool and all but you just don't feel like you're there yet. But the cool thing about having a 'P' is that people gives you a lot of slack. They don't mind you doing a minor mistake or two because you haven't fully passed yet. So now that I have the full license I wont get that much slack anymore. Hmm, maybe getting of the 'P' is not a good idea after all, not that I make that much driving mistakes. Okay maybe just a little. But still the libertaion I felt when I had my full driver's license in my hands was exhilirating! I felt like I achieved something (it's not easy driving in KL). In fact I actually feel proud of myself :P
What bugs me though is that my mom still wont let me drive whenever we're on the road. She thinks I'm not competent enough. How am I supposed to get competent if she won't let me drive? Parents... they're a hard bunch to understand. I just hope that with my brand new license she'll finally let me drive. Tomorrow I shall finally officiate the first time use of my adult's driver's license. WooHoo! Hmmm... maybe I can take the WAJA out for a spin(oops... Don't tell my mom).
This time my trip to Kelantan was more than an occasional visit to see my family or for shopping but instead it was more towards discovering my birthplace. It all happened by circumstances really because if we weren’t lost in getting our way round Kota Bharu we probably wouldn’t have found this quaint little tourist village smack dab in the middle of the city. The guy working there even admitted that not many of the locals know about the place because it’s hidden away by the bigger and grander old Sultan’s palace and of course the main shopping attraction the ‘Pasar Siti Khadijah’ and ‘Bazaar Buluh Kubu’. You should have seen the way my mum, my sister, my cousin and myself going around taking pictures of everything on site. It was really cute but the funny thing was to the locals we probably would have looked like any tourist visiting Kelantan for the first time but as we drew near we were all talking rapidly in Kelantanese. Everybody must have thought that we were ‘orang ulu’. It was fun finding out stuff about my native state. At least now I feel more of a Kelantanese rather than someone whose origins is in Kelantan but knows nothing much about Kelantan. Now I don’t feel so lost.
Another reason that made this trip fun was that I get to watch the ‘Bargain Queen’ at work again. Who is she? None other than my MOM herself. She is a wonder at getting the things she wants at the price she is willing to pay for. Can you imagine she managed to get 4 meters of exquisite silk cloth with batik prints at only RM100 when the original price was RM280. Not impressive enough? The price for the same cloth for tourist was set at a whopping RM350. I wonder how she does it. If people were to say she gets that price because she’s a Kelantanese well the sellers can tell that she’s not living in Kelantan because they always ask her where she lives. My mom’s slang has become like mine, a watered down version of Kelantanese slang- fluent but not like the locals. So every time she goes shopping in Kelantan I make it a point to follow her. I have to know her secret! It may be a long and tiring walk from one store to another but in the future its way worth it because with the stuff that I buy I can sell it to other people at twice the price! Muahahaha!! Money!!
It was a great trip this time and I’m glad that there weren’t that many people like during raya season. I’m really looking forward to my next trip back to Kelantan. Who knows there might be other little treasures that I might find accidentally while I’m there. As for current plans, Penang is my destination for the weekend. Ferringhi Beach… here I come!!
Kelantanese are always associated with the term ‘asabiyyah’. It means a really strong sense of origin and belonging to people of the same background. The reason is because Kelantanese has always had a strong bond with each other. ‘A Kelantanese would never let another Kelantanese down’, the famous Kelantanese motto. This motto is even apparent when shopping. My mom, the bargain queen, sells tudung and baju kurung cloth for a side income and somehow she would always get a fraction of the actual price set down by the dealers. Why? Because her dealers are all Kelantanese and they like the fact that she’s one of them too. Even in another state you can always tell those who are Kelantanese and those who aren’t. Kelantanese always stick together. Kelantanese are also people who are not afraid to reveal their identity. When you’re hanging out with a bunch of Kelantanese you’ll feel like you’re in Kelantan itself. They never abandon their slang and mindset.
This is why the term ‘asabiyyah’ is used. It’s a rather negative term used to people who are stubborn to conform to the norms of society. It is meant for people who are different and feel that they are better than others. However I think in this aspect Kelantanese are really the better ones here. No offence to the other state but that kind of loyalty and confidence about one’s own identity is hard to come by nowadays. Kelantanese are proud of their state and their culture and are not afraid to show it. Their slang, which are the Kelantanese most distinct features are spoken everywhere even overseas. I should know because the only malay that I spoke when I was in UK was Kelantanese Malay. Kelantan is one of the culturally richest states in the country and its uniqueness is very distinct from the other state and I’m not saying this because I’m a Kelantanese either. I’m saying it because it’s true. So what makes me reluctant to proudly say that I’m a Kelantanese?
Recently at the SUKMA games the Kelantan football team was involved in a fight with the Negeri Sembilan’s team. That wasn’t the first time it happened. In fact this is the third consecutive fight that the Kelantan football team had been involved in. There were countless other fight cases involving the Kelantanese football team in the past years too. Kelantanese supporters would usually add to the chaos too. Now, people seem to expect that there would be a fight at all Kelantanese football games my mom included. I distinctly remember her saying ‘mesti gomo (gaduh) nanti. They always fight.’ This is the reason why I never readily admit that I’m a Kelantanese. It’s not because of the fight but because of Kelantanese attitudes.
From what I have observed Kelantanese are so proud of their own identity that they tend to not respect the identity and culture of others. When they’re in numbers they become cocky and feel that it is other people that must follow their style and their ways. They won’t even bend a little for others. I’ve seen Kelantanese refusing to lose their slang even though the person that they’re talking to have a hard time understanding what they say. It’s not that they can’t lose the slang they just don’t wan to. I’ve also seen people refusing to hang out with certain people just because they’re not Kelantanese. And all of these incidents happened in other states and not in Kelantan itself. Why must they act this way?
I myself has been asked on several occasions by my fellow Kelantanese on why don’t I speak Kelantanese with them. Not because I can’t but or because I don’t want to but because I don’t want any of my friends who are present at that time feel left out because they’re from another state. Talking in Kelantanese would just make her feel like an outsider. That feeling is the worse feeling in the world because you’d feel like you’re intruding on something that you’re not supposed to know about.
Kelantan has always been associated with religion and of course PAS. It’s a good thing really but not when it’s associated with religious fanaticism and political obsession. All Kelantanese are always associated with this and I hate that. I try to change this perception not because I oppose PAS or do not believe in preaching Islam myself but because I want people to realize that there’s more to Kelantan than that. However, it’s hard when Kelantanese themselves tend to support these claims through their actions. I feel helpless when any of my friends bring this issue up in conversations and although I try to reassure them that it’s otherwise, I know it’s useless because there’ll be other countless things that would back up what they said. The football fight would be one example of a Kelantanese fanaticism.
Undeniably there are Kelantanese out there who are like me, a Kelantanese but is not considered a Kelantanese through and through. Don’t get me wrong, I love my native state and there’s no other place that I’d love to go back to during my holidays but I just wish that Kelantanese would open up a little. There’s a bigger world out there that extends way beyond the border of Malaysia. Keeping our identity is important in life but if we stick to the rut that we’re accustomed to then we’ll never have progress, the one essential thing that Kelantan needs.
Do the words ring a bell? They should because they're from Linkin Park's song 'Numb'. Or do they ring another bell... you probably heard all the latest buzz about 128 top scorers being rejected from doing medic. Quite a commotion! I pity those kids but sometimes I just cant help but wonder how many of those 128 students really want to do medic or are they just merely following the mindset that has been set in Malaysian society nowadays, that if you're smart and have high scores then you must do medic because other subjects will just be a waste of your potential. Trust me... I myself has been put through this lecture and now I see my sister going through the same routine. Ironically it's not coming from my mom but from my aunt.
My aunt is not the only one who has this mindset. I see it in a lot of parents and sometimes in young adults and teens too. I see parents telling their little kids that they have to be a doctors. Parents not giving their kids a chance to find out what they actually want in life. It's sad that society would push you aside just because you're not doing THE subject (medic/engin/pharmacy). I came from a boarding school where I did pure science and about 90% of my friends all wanted to go into THE course but then only 40% did. As for me... well lets say people hasn't still gotten over the fact that I took a literature course instead. I still get the occasional 'how come you're doing literature? You went to MRSM kan?' *sigh* To them... my potential is wasted.
Now it's happening full force on my sister Yuni. Yuni did matriculations directly after SPM and everyone knows how cempetitive matriculations can be. Anyhow because of competition and the fact that her results weren't as impressive as others... she didn't get into medic or pharmacy or even engineering. Instead she was given her 7th choice (out of 8). She was lucky... there were others who got auctioned off to any university who were willing to take them in dspite their getting good results. However that wasn't enough for my aunt. She came down on Yuni with a vengeance. She insisted that Yuni appeal for medic. Pressure... pressure... pressure!
Yuni can get away with it because my aunt lives in another state but then again who can escape the feeling of letting someone down. It's quite a letdown when people closest to you don't give you the support that you need. But then my mum has been cool enough to respect our wishes and now she's even mighty proud of me for excelling in a course that I really love. I know she wishes the same for my sister too.
In life we can never get away from people's expectation either big or small. But what I learned is that we try to rise to people's expectations of us but only to the level that we know we can reach too. But most importantly is whether those expectations are really what you yourself want and not the wishes of poeple around you. It's your life. YOU'RE living it.
